material girl

I have things to do, for myself. I can't sit around and wait for you to grow up. I can't hold your hand and tell you what's the difference between right and wrong. Acceptable and disrespectful. These are life lessons I'm sure you've stumbled upon more then a time or two. But you turn a blind eye, playing the card of naivety and innocence. As if anything you do ever has a consequence. Or that anything you do could ever be riddled with bad intention. Personal gain with no thought to the people's feeling you sweep carelessly under the rug. I've watched you toy with emotions as if it's just some sort of game to you. Hurt people, good people who would keep you close if only you gave them a reason to. You put me in a place where I had to be as conniving as you. Keeping your secrets a secret from people that mean things to me. Forcing me to be perceived and viewed at the same level as you because as the saying goes "That's what best friends do".

Echo train.

Let's make grown up decisions and do grown up things. Then at the end of the day you can go home and pretend your life is better off without me.

Nowhere near your heart.

Dear you,
There are so many things I want to say to you right now. Instead I'm writing this. So I guess you can say we are similar that way. I wish I could understand you. Or you me. It's complex. I know you would laugh after I said that, for oh, the hundredth time. But instead you are pulling away, pushing me away. But like I said, it's complex. You made me push the limits, made me question why I stopped things, why I do the things I do. You made me want to be a better person. To live for more then nights out and bottles of happiness. I don't think you could see through that though. You intimidate me. You asked why I'm reserved, that's why. I'm nervous around you. I can't make the words come out right and more then anything I wanted them to be right so we could be right. I guess. I don't even know right now. I miss floating. But I was never a good swimmer so it's expected that I would just sink. I can't even find the words right now. I want to blush when people bring up your name, not resentment. It was that way. You wouldn't know. I want to feel cute again and twirl and giggle. Lay next to you and giggle. But it's really over with before it even began. I don't know how to like you from a distance, so the only other option is just to let you go. We could have been something but you just never left the option open. It's sad living in the past. Dwelling on the feelings. It's hard when you can't accept that what's over is over. That people come and go from your life. But seasons change. I wish you could change with them. God, I wish you could just take a chance. Maybe just one on me, because I know I could and would try so hard to make you happy. So goodbye friendly giant. Goodbye big boy cuddles.
Love me.

hide and seek

Uncertainty,
So I'll take off another layer.





Maybe you'll like me then.

Corks and curry.

You make me smile. But I'm frail and small and broken. And all the pieces arn't there and some are a little too worn down to fit. I'm scared that even if I try real hard to glue it all together, to pick it up and lay it down that even then I'll still be too frail and broken beyond repair. But my hands feel small inside yours and your head feels real nice against mine. And I want to give without instantly pulling back and pulling away. I want to cave in and float away but I'm heavy in the heart and in the head and afraid that if I let it out you won't like what you see and I'll just float away. Alone. What I'm trying to say is, why can't I just give into you? To make a move and not be afraid. That I'm too broken and used. That I'm not who you think I am. That you'll reject me. That I'm not good enough. That I don't know what I'm doing or how to do this.

And it's too late for wanting.

Sometimes I wonder, let's just fall in love and be together.

Biology

And that's the thing, I'm a mess. And not a hot mess, a legit mess. I change my clothes at least 2 times a day because I can't even figure out an outfit enough for who I want to be. Who I should be. And I change my mind constantly and have fits of irrational thoughts, like if I am good enough or who will I become? And maybe half the time I'm just in for the trill of the chase. Out to prove to myself that I can get what I want and then after that, well, then what? And I don't have the answers to that because all that running has taken away my breath. And my boyfriend died and I'm easily attatched. But not to you but as who you could be, maybe by chance if you were him. Because I'm still grieving and taking it day by day and I never thought I could ever love again. And maybe it's forced feelings or my raging hormones that are attracting me to everyone and anything. But desires take over and as a species we aren't meant to be alone. So maybe this is all a great deal harder then I thought it was going to be, this whole growing up and living deal.

Today

Guilt is like white noise, grinding away at your ear drums.
You know, the sound that will eventually fade into background noise.
But for now it drones on, causing a headache even the strongest advil can't chase.

Lie, lie.

When it comes down to it, you are not going to like me for who I am. You are going on believing in the person you think I am. First impressions. Wrong impressions. The truth is, I'm always broke. I have nothing to show for the work I do. I live pay cheque to pay cheque with nothing to show in between. I spend my money on momentary happiness with compete disregard for the future. I function off caffeine and nicotine and I don't try to hide it. I go through extended periods where I just don't eat. Maybe I'll snack on this or that. Maybe I will forget. But mostly I just can't afford it. You could understand, or you could think I'm crazy. But you won't like it either way. I have two levels to me, or perhaps two sides. Too loud or too quiet. There is no inbetween. I'm always trying to fill the silence or fall into it. So I can't hide my emotions. Neither can my face. It says it all, no matter how hard I conseal it.

One mistake

If I take my vitamins and smoke alot that's almost the same as eating right?
Right..?

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday

Memories run deep. Deeper then the slivers of dead cells of which at moments like these I pick at constantly.
Sleep is the first and last thing on my mind.
Channel surfing through memories preventing me from the comfort and consolation of a restful state.
My bed is a pool of memories and I'm not ready to dive in yet.

Voicemails

I met him on a Monday, or that's how the songs always go. Truth is, it was probably a Saturday, just like any other Saturday really. I didn't know he was going to change my life. But do you ever really know? All I knew was there was a crazy magnetic attraction to him and I had to find out why. It was like for a moment things had aligned and I almost had it all. Didn't we almost have it all? He always left me with just a little bit more longing. Like when you are so close to the finish line and know if you push a little further you can take it. Just a little bit further, just a little bit more. It was as if I couldn't get enough of him. He was my drug of choice, but always just a little out of reach leaving me constantly fiending. There wasn't enough moments, seconds, hours in a day. There was never enough hellos and goodnights. There could never had been enough phone calls, pick me ups, car drives and text messages. I could get lost in the delicate seconds falling away behind us. Hearing him laugh, watching him move, breathing him in. He never knew this, I don't think I was strong enough to tell him. To connect feelings to words and let it soak into the universe. He made me want to be better. To do better. To push forward and never give up. Just never give up. He wouldn't let me. He wouldn't let me be down or turn into myself. He was there unconditionally, telling it like it was. Giving me what I needed, not what I needed to hear. He was the light in every room. The single ray of sunshine fighting through on the rainest of days. He never needed to be anything other then himself. He never had to put on an act, to hide how he felt. He didn't need liquid confidence or to be life of the party. It came naturally. He made life a better place. He kept me in place and on pace.He was mine and he left too soon. So I turned inward. I turned to the places where I could drown out my thoughts and numb my feelings. I turned to affection without attatchment. To a life a little more lost then me. Falling apart to bottle of rye and gin. To cases of liquid confidence and liquid courage. Liquid courage letting me face the world, transforming it into less of a bleak face. Turned to nights with memory loss so it wouldn't be that bad that I was forgetting the sound of his voice or the feel of his skin. Trying to hard to be the life of the party, to be the light in the life. Like he would have been. But it's tiring trying to fill that void and try to take over in his memory. I would have stopped the world for him so we could have a neverending moment together. I would have been the person he wanted me to be. Be there for him on the darkest days. I would have woke up every morning with a smile because I knew he had been up already watching me sleep. That's all he needed, to watch me in my sleep. I was done. I didn't want anyone else. There was no point looking because there was nothing better out there. Maybe there isn't anything better out there. But as the saying goes, the good die young. I think the good part of me died too.

Sunshine or Rainrainrain

The city lights that would blind some people is what keeps me alive. They tell me to push harder. Move forward. Petal faster and get stronger. The wind on my face and my tires beating down on the pavement is my freedom. The escape from the memories of thousands of yesterdays and the questions after question of unexpected tomorrows. But maybe that's just me, living the day-to-day dream.

Please, please, please be good to me.

I'm not in love with you anymore. I've mourned. I've cried. I've moved away and came back. I've done some growing; some healing. I can look back and smile at the memories we had. And laugh at the hardship. In the end it makes me stronger. I'll still think of you time to time. I'll still miss you from time to time. And you better believe I'll wonder what could have been. But I can say that I'm done and it's over with. Now it's time to do it all again. To collect the pieces. To mend the wounds and to pack up my pride and start along the road again. It won't be easy, some days I know I'm going to dread the fact I sleep in your bed. Some nights I'm just going to lie up and stare at your transformer toy and think about the nights where we laid wrapped up in each other. I can look back now and know that what we had is not what we had in my mind. I was blindsided. I was under a rose covered haze. It was what it was. I was awkward around you. You made me nervous. Even at the end, you made me nervous. I couldn't tell you why. I could make assumptions and lay down theories but it's the past now. Let's just call it nerves and leave it at that. I don't think you were ever mine. Not in a real sense. I was something you dabbled in to keep your mind and body preoccupied. I was something that was already there and already in reach. So you took away more then I had to offer. The truth is, I'm not expecting you to meet up with me. I'm not expecting you to be the mature one and sit down with me. Perchance we would wander onto the topic of "us" and you would have to feel guilt for a change. Or even feel anything for a change. You left me feeling hurt and vulnerable. You left me as a shell of who I once was. I've tried to fill it up with nicotine and alchohol but now it's time to call and end to that and really close it off. To cut the ties and let loose. I need to let go of the hope that maybe, just maybe, you had meant a single word of what you said that night. I need to forget the possibility that I crossed your mind even once during your trip. Realize that things end, people change and time can heal most wounds. So then maybe when I hear people happy in relationships I won't be consumed with anger and jealousy because I'll be happy with where I am once again.

This is the day everything changes.

Washing the puke off my tights. Goodbye summer o'ten. I'll miss you.

Wait for the year to drown

Life's sort of funny. It's like walking down familiar streets and ending up in a part of the city you've never been before. It suddenly changes from familiar into something new. And you're not too sure if you should be scared or venture in further. Because everything you do is a risk. You risk what is possible to come and you risk not taking the chance on something new. Every day it's a choice you make. Do you let your life linger in the past or do you wander aimlessly into the future. You just have to judge what's best in each situation. What you on your own are willing to risk and for what outcome. Sometimes I get stuck in the past. I like familiar settings. I like knowing that when I go to a set place I will see certain people there. I like my belongings to be in a set place. I like my people to be in a set place and I like my feelings to be in a set place. But you see, life does not like to follow these rules. It likes to pick up people and scatter them about. Taking emotions and placing them upon people and places without questioning you beforehand. I want to stand up and say I'm in control of my own life but truth is, who is really? I want to say goodbye to the past and walk heads up in the future but a part of me will always be stuck there. I miss more then I look forward to. I live in my memories. I live in past feelings and past places. Maybe it's because right now my future is day to day. Get up, go to work, clean, bed. Get up, go to work, get drunk. Get up.. go to work.. get up.. go.. get.. go. Over and over. What really do I have to look forward to? Sometimes I wonder what I have to offer people? I look at my situation. The life I lead and it all makes sense why I'm single. I wonder if I would really want to be a part of all of this if it wasn't my choice.
"One smoke is never enough and the drinks go down too easy."
Let's be real for a second. I'm glad for where I am. I'm so greatful to who I have in my life and where I have got so far in life. But there are so many things missing. I hide my feeling behind beer googles and laugh off life instead of facing problems head on. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of not being good enough and letting people down. It's so easy to just put it aside and act like there isn't a worry in the world. But the nights come when all I want is someone to lay beside me and be proud of me. I guess what I'm trying to say is, well. You left me behind. You went ahead in life. You followed your dreams, you followed your plans and you left me behind wondering every day if you're going to be okay and where you are. You left me behind and took a part of me with you. You left as the person I thought could fill that mold. You left as the guy that I would settle for. The guy that I thought was different from the others. You left. And now you are back. Back in my city. Your city. And it's raining because it's always raining when things happen. It's like the city is crying for me because I can't myself. Because deep down I don't know how I should feel. Maybe I put a little too much of myself on you. Maybe I had too much expectations or cared too much. Or maybe you realized what I'm realzing. That I just don't really have too much to offer. Or maybe it's just really over and I'm coming to terms with that.

11 St SW

I'm sorry I don't fit your mold but I'd rather stand for something.

Go-getter.

It's Saturday night. My room is a mess. There are crumbs all over my bed and I am alone. Alone with my thoughts and Sufjan Stevens. But, I think maybe I'm okay with this all. I think this is what I need. I need to wake up and look around. Realize that I need to start doing something. I need to start somewhere and get to somewhere else. I need a path. A goal. Anything. I need something other then nights filled with bruises and heartache. I don't know where to start but I think it's about time to figure it out. I don't know where to start or where I'm going to end up. But tonight, tonight I'm starting something. At least that's what I tell myself.

This time no.

I know I'm not supposed to say I miss you. But I miss you. Oh man do I ever miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss being the little spoon and kisses before you went to work. I miss laughing with you and having stupid inside jokes. I miss being happy. Happy because of you and because I knew I could come home to you. And even though you acted weird when I cried I knew it was because you cared. And you made me laugh it away. Ugh, and now that I think you might be coming back soon I don't know what to do because of everything that has happened. I don't want to sleep alone but I don't want to know you are sleeping with someone else. In someone elses bed. I don't know.

Best part for last

I'm rough. I'm the girl who likes to play dirty with the boys. The one that has a big enough potty mouth that sometimes even the boys cringe. I'm the one that's not afraid to get down and dirty. Who will not turn down a wrestling match or back down to someone double the size. I'm the girl who's always covered in bruises and scrapes. Most of which I'm not even too sure where they came from. I like to believe that showering is optional and is fine with pulling clothes off the floor and running out the door. I'm like to bomb through traffic with my music blaring and believing I'm invinsible. I'm the reason why people who drive hate bikers. I'm the girl who wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror and calls it good enough. I don't like to take ages to get ready or make sure every hair is in place. I'd rather put on something comfortable and skiddish then worry that everything matches. I hate bras and find them super uncomfortable. So chances are you are going to see my nipples from time to time and I'm okay with that. I'm not going to put on makeup to impress someone because this is the way my face looks. You'll see it with everyone eventually but I'd rather be upfront. I like to chase my beer with shots of tequila. And when I drink I smoke alot. It makes me happy. I can probably drink you under the table and still make it to work the next morning. So maybe when you get to know me you won't like me. Maybe that's not who you expect me to be but that's who I am. So love it or leave it.

battle ground

I got called out tonight. Called out on the fact that my life is slowly heading in a distructive direction. All I could do was agree and ramble out some half witted excuses because the truth is too heavy on a night like tonight. How can you voice the fact that maybe life isn't as smooth as it seems. That there are days where you just want the world to wait. To hit snooze on life and sleep for another five, ten minutes. And then maybe you will be ready to rub the sleep from your eyes and take babysteps forward. I don't know where to start. I don't know what is the most important and which is the least. So I just let things stack up. Piles and mountains. Collecting dust and laying down stress. But I don't know what else to do. It feels like all I can do is tell myself I'll do it later. I'll deal with it later. Hoping by some off chance it will just dissapear or work out on it's own. My room is cluttered and so is my mind. Lists and tasks to cross off and put behind. Maybe is it so hard to say, maybe I'm just, maybe I'm just not that happy? Not anymore.

6 in the morn.

Sometimes I just don't want to come home. Sometimes I don't want to end the night feeling worn down, hurt and angry. Sometimes I don't want to look around and see not what I have but what I don't have any longer. Sometimes I just want to feel like I'm coming home to something. Something that will last longer then a week, a month... something stable. Sometimes I don't want to have that constant worry that everything I have in my life is just temporary. I don't want to wake up every morning thinking about where I'm going to go next. When the next move will be. Where I'll have to go then. Or how another friendship will wind down. Another place to add to the list of settings that will go unfamiliar because I'm no longer welcome there or that time has past by. Sometimes I get tired of living out of boxes and not really having anywhere to call home. Sometimes I get lonely. Or maybe lately I just feel lonely all the time because I'm waiting for everything I have now to pack up and leave.

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing

And maybe I'm a little drunk. And maybe I'm a little bit scared of life. Scared of the future. What my life has in store for me. Maybe I don't know where I'm going or what path I'll take. What I'll stand for. But maybe I'll just stand for you, sweetheart. And the truth is I can't sleep without you. I can't think without you around. And I want to stand on my own two feet. I want to see the world with my chin held high. But the sad songs play and once again there's your face and those words and I can't help but to wonder and to worry. What if, what is to come? What would hav happened. But once again you are just another random connection of words on a page spelling out the events that never played out and the future I never had. The truth is, well, the truth is I miss you. I want to say more then anything that I don't. I want to smile and laugh and not to think that I'll come home to you and we will laugh it out and fall asleep in each others arms. I hung out with her tonight, I could see what you saw in her. I think maybe I saw a little in me too. Is that what you saw in the next? Something more then me? Do you miss me darling? Do you?

I wish the way I dress was your favourite kind of style

So I went to that party everyone they were kind of arty.
And I was wearing this dress 'cause I wanted to impress
But I wasn't sure if I look my best 'cause I was so nervous
But I carried on regardless strutting through each room
trying to find you

And when I saw you kissing that girl
My heart, it shattered
and my eyes, they watered
and when I tried to speak I stu-uttered

And my friends were like "Whatever, you'll find someone better,
his eyes are way too close together
and we never even liked him from the start.

And now he's with that tart,and I heard she'd done some really nasty stuff
down in the park with Michael.
He said she's easy and if your guys with someone that's sleazy
then he ain't worth your time cause you deserve a real nice guy

So I proceeded to get drunk and to cry
I locked myself in the toilets for the entire night

Rest your head.

Just talk to me. Oh god, please just talk to me. Let's pretend everything is okay. That nothing happened. Come sleep in my bed and be the big spoon and shove me over when I'm sleeping. Talk to me. Make me laugh and then tell me how halarious you are, because you know it. Push me around, play fight me. Kiss me with everything in you and then push me away. Just do anything but this right now because at the end of the day when everything is said and done I just miss you. You don't want to miss me and I don't want to miss you, so why are we doing this to ourselves right now when we can take the time we have left and just be happy. Because I know you make me happy, and I'm sure you make me happy too. Or maybe I'm just a girl about this all and it was what it was and it ended. Why is this ending exactly the same as every other thing ends?

Never Believed

I guess when you think about it, I have lead a really rough and tough sort of life. I didn't have the normal functioning family. I didn't have trust funds and a rational upbringing. I grew up in Red Deer, where it was the norm to have some sorr tof dysfunction around you. Where it was okay that you became acquaintances with the retard kids, or some would say friends with them. You live life rough. But until tonight I didn't really realize how out of the norm is is. When it comes down to it I like to believe I lived a normal life, never really scooping too deep into the back stories of things. I'd go along with the stories as if I had lived them myself but only knowing them from stories past on from another to myself. Truth is, I guess I've always sort of lived the ghetto life. I've never had a sense of stability or knowing what would come at you when. We lived in the moment, day by day and survived the best we could. I never grew up with any sense of responsibility or expectations because everyone had there own things to deal with and work around. Everyone was just doing the best they could in the situation and however they knew how. So your 14 year old daughter gets pregnant, what can you do other then support her? And now she has a 4 year old daughter and wants to party every night? If she comes home and looks after her and is good with her then why should I stop here. And if she decides at 12 then she wants to leave here there and pretend she has a normal life then what else can she do but take me in and raise as her own. I mean, I guess I have respect because of that. I learned how to live the rough way. Being able to keep on even when the situations drop and things might not have a white light in sight. Because in the end you know, you just know that there has been worse times, there will be more worse times but in the end it's worth it. It's worth it because you will have moments where you just forget that you're scumming it. Forget that you don't have much and that people look down on you and just enjoy it. Live in the moments where you are laughing so hard that you forget what you are laughing at and continue anyways. Times where you look around and say yeah, I live here and I love it. Yeah, this is my life and I'm happy. I wake up with a smile on my face and if you're not okay with that then why does it matter? You would do so much just to be able to say the same. And that made me realize that it's okay that you want your space. That you don't want to get attached because as much as you don't realize it we all are. We are all connected in a way that as much as we may fight it we will all need each other again. It's a bond that can't be broken. As much as you want to fight it I be live time brings people together and we will meet again. And share moments again and if not then I'll adapt. I'll find more people like this. I will connect and make bonds with other people and I will be fine. I will be happy and content and you will regret not taking the chances when you wanted to. Because like I said, some people come into your life for a reason. And as lame as it seems, there is no reason why we shouldn't.

I hang my clothes up on the line.

It's hard to get respect when you have BEER TIME across your knuckles. Fun fact of the day.

Also, what did I do? Why couldn't I just let it be the way it was?

Also, also the house looks great and I don't want Kendal to move out.

corbeau

I've been up for about an hour. Nobody else is home. I think I lost my smokes. Or someone stole them. I'm hoping for the first one and I was just drunk and lost them somewhere. I'm covered in bruises and my knees are bloody. I vaguely remember how. I think I tried to parkour something and fall. Maybe a bottle of wine to myself is not the best idea. But who would know at the time? Also body suits and drinking probably are not the best idea, I'm pretty sure I squatted in the bushes with Stacy.. maybe pulled down my body suit and peed. Ran around the liquor store like we were crazy and high fived this guy, maybe. I think he gave me something, haha I guess I will find out. Oh and having a trampoline is just a horrible idea. Even more when you are drunk. Or it's a great idea. I'm not sure. Katherine and Devon came for a bit. Don't remember much of that. Haha. Also, see I'm a classy lady Aaron slept over in my bed and nothing happened. You know why? Because I've changed. And even though you tell me you pretty much are done, I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. So if that's not grown up then I don't know what is. Also please please please tell me I didn't lose my ID, SIN card and bank card. Because I'm pretty sure I cried over losing it and if it's not gone I'm going to look like such a cock. Also, falling asleep to head massages is the best. Oh life.

Haha, oh and somewhere in there I smashed some glass in the balcony door and ate half of a pb&j tubby dog. Lifeeee!

This is the girl who won't settle down,

But I would for you.

High hopes, high losses.

I smoke too much and drink too much. I can't keep anything in, even worse when I drink. My feelings run rampant and are far too much to keep under control. I will always and forever be in love with Grey's Anatomy and relate everyone in my life to a character off the show. I miss my Christina and she doesn't even know what that means. I fall in love or lust with everyone I meet. But not real love, at least I don't really know. More then anything I want to love and be loved in return. I'm not the girl that you can bring home to mom, the one you want to commit to and show off. I'll never be the girl that everyone loves automatically, there will always be a warm up time and people that just don't like what I stand for. Sometimes I don't like what I stand for. I listen to songs that make me upset because they also help me remember. If I could I'd live in my memories, so I could replay the moments of my life over and over. I get easily attached, although nobody would know that. I come off like I don't need anyone, like I have no care in the world but I'm the biggest worry wort I know. I'm a sucker for things that are 100% girlie but once again you would never know. Almost every day I wish I could be one of those put together people, but at the end of the day I'll always just be me. I have a hard time sleeping by myself. I'm just not used to be being alone. I hate not having my bike and feeling like I'm trapped in one place for too long. I have a love hate relationship with change. I hate when it happens without my control, but my life and who I am is always a work in progress. I'm constantly torn between the two different parts of me. As such, I'm way too accurately a Libra that it's bizarre. I wish I stood for something. I hope that when you leave it's a see you later not a goodbye. I can't do goodbyes, I'm such a flake at them. I don't want you to walk away from me.

Breakbreakbreak

And maybe things will be okay.
Boiled water for a bath.
Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Enter the Ninja.

Boost you.

stomach bear

If feelings of loss of control, helplessness or powerlessness accompany your tooth loss dream, the dream is typically acting as a mirror of a situation in waking life. Dreams of tooth loss coupled with anxiety reflect a fear of change, fear of transition. Ask yourself if there is some transition that you are fearful of making.

quote-unquote

She’s the one you call when you’re bored or sometimes when you and your significant other had a fight because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s the one you spend time with between buddies, before you find “The One”. You know the one who hangs around in the meantime.

She’s too laidback, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real woman does. But she’s cool, nice, funny and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need an intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine.

You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

It won’t bother that you would text her sometimes just to say not to text you because you’re with your girlfriend. She’s just sooo cool…why can’t all women be like that? But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with.

Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs —- she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them does, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s not really your type. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman.

She’s just too thoughtful. She’ll sometimes buy you things you need; she’ll sometimes buy you or cook midnight snacks for you and personally deliver it in your place. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has the bigger heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is. She’s just your convenient excuse to fool around.

shesaid,shesaid

I want to stand for something more than just another notch in your headpost.

I'm not ready.

I don't want to go to bed alone. Not yet. Just not yet.

One more.

I see your face and I don't recognize it. Just another to add to the gone away and forgotten faces of the past. Remember what I told you, it was bound to happen. Maybe you never truely knew me at all, or maybe you knew me better then anyone else. I coudln't tell you, I'll never know myself.

Supersize

It's so weird to think that in a week everything about my life will be so different. That everything I know will pretty much be non-existant anymore. It's going to be so weird not coming home to this place because to me it is my home. It will be weird not having my other half to talk to about all the stupid thoughts of the day and just sit and talk about life on hours with. And for the first time in half a year I'll truly have alone time and more then just five minutes here and there. To be honest, I'm not sure if I like the thought of that. I don't know how well I'm going to sleep alone and not knowing when I will see everyone next. I don't even know where I'm going. Who I'll be with. If I will even have the money to be able to afford anything. It's as if life as I know it is about to pack up and leave. I'll miss coming home and wanting to come home because I want to see people. I'll miss dubstepping it and dealing with the cops on a regular basis. I'll miss how bad we all must seem like crack heads. I'll miss climbing trees and drinking any day of the week. I'll miss couchs in kitchens and broken sinks. I'll miss piggy back rides and constant bikes in the house. I'll miss late night, way wasted nights filled with laughter and memories. I'll miss all the laughing. I'll miss efukt nights and break.com nights. I'll miss all the "Now what?"'s and all the business talk. Going out for smokes afterwards and being super immature. I'll miss airplanes and "you're pretty and you pay attention to me". I don't know, I'll just miss so much and I'm not sure where this next chapter in my life will take me. I guess I'll just have to find out.

Too many churches

Looks like someone got in a little deep. And I like it. Time flys but I can slow it down and live in the moment, with you. I hope that's what you like.

Bouncing on 24'z

Pretty good right now. Pretty good. Got some sun. Ripped on a bike. Partied with my work girls. Pretty good. That's all.

Tick Tock

Le sigh. I don't want you guys to go. Well, that's a lie. I do. But the selfish part of me doesn't. I don't want things to change. I like them the way they are. I don't want to sleep alone. Or have to try to plan out my days. Who else do I know here? And now I get it. I get how it felt and it sucks so hard. And it feels like I'm going to pull the same thing as you did. Get hurt, get upset, get gone. Just pack up and leave and start over sort of thing. Because really, what else is really keeping me here?

beep beep

I woke up today and decided that this should by far be a write off day. And maybe perhaps a little bit of a wakeup call. Why you may ask? Well in the midst of a sea of Jim Beam and premium Gin there came a point in the night, after the police and ticket and before 5 am realization of needed sleep that the night shifted a little slightly for the worse. A point in the night where piggybacking seems a little too innocent and the friendly bike or two comes into play. Now to you this may seem all fun and good but no. You are mistaken. After climbing onto Tophers back and him attempting to track stand came the moment of truth where we both plummited to the ground and thusly my head cracked against the wall. Now think this over. Bike + grown man + peite girl on top. Now think of the height involved in that and the damage that must have down. To state the obvious I'm pretty sure I have a concussion. I came to this conclussion after I passed out and during the uncontrolable vomiting with spurts of blacking out inbetween.

hotline

jim beam and bad decisions.
lawl. puke time.

wednesday fright night

gin + juice, gin + juice, gin + juice <3

good times. why not be happy while you can and embrace life when you can even though times are a'changing.

girl, i want yo body, i need yo body.

Cioa bella.

I don't want this to end. Why does everything I do have time frames? An end date in site? Why do things have to end when the goings are good?

You can forget it, I get it. I just don't let it get to me.

It's funny how people change and act differently when they find out that you could be dying. Maybe I made a mistake? Maybe it's time for a do-over. Maybe I need something to get me out of this weird rut that I'm in. Or maybe I shouldn't be thinking this hard this early.

Oh and maybe I didn't want to know these things. Maybe I wanted to go on in a false world believing that I was the only one and that what you said had some merit. That the things you said weren't to get what you wanted and some mind game. But that's just me, I fall for these things because I want so bad to love and be loved in return. And maybe I'm just not lovable.

Love eveything you've always,

So I guess almost dying put your life in perspective. That and rain.
So what I'm saying is, I say these things. I put things in perspective. But in the end everything I'm forcing to make you avoid is what I want in the first place. Waking up here is not the way I want it to be. And maybe I thought it would be different.

Somewhere far far far away.

I'm thinking maybe I should be a little bit concerned with the path life is taking me in life. I mean really, how productive do my days seem to end up. And it's like every day I somehow manage to get myself in some weird sticky situation and it doesn't seem to bother me at all. I mean, in the end that's just my life and that's the way I live so it's no big deal to me. I'm starting to think Linen doesn't really see it that way. She talks about low expectations and how she doesn't need much in life but something in her face is telling me that she's not happy. And well, I don't really know what I can do about it because overall I'm pretty content. I have some things set out, not much but something. I love coming home to this place and I'm okay sitting around doing nothing. I don't have to be constantly entertained. I can just sit in silence and do nothing and I'll be totally okay with it. I guess in that way I have the only child syndrome. Where I can find ways to entertain myself because I only had myself. At least in theory. But there gets to a point where I can tell she is just hating everything about life and I'm good to just lay on the couch listening to music or doing something stupid with the guys because well, that's life. And I've already lived this before. This is kind of normal for me. I know what to expect and I guess I just sort of forget that she doesn't really know what to expect and this is not the norm from her. All that she knows is the life living at home. And now here she is, pretty much alone in a different city for the first time with me. Me of all people. It's like somewhere along the line she made a bad choice because I'm not the prime candidate for setting people off on their feet. I am just a weird person. I don't know if people fully realize it but maybe I have a few nuts loose somewhere and I'm alright with that. And I'm way honest. Just way too honest with everyone about everything and that might be a bad thing. But that's just the way I work. I'm honest with everyone. I will give everyone the time of day and I will at chance tell people my crazy stories. I don't have a line that shouldn't be crossed. I mean, I'm sure at one point I did have that line but in time it just faded and now I'm sure most of the people I know think I'm crazy. I spent a good portion of the day today looking at weird porn and reading bad sex stories. With everyone around me knowing that and I think that a normal person might be ashamed of that or might not voice that. But I'm getting way off topic. I think she just sort of expects more out of life. I know the first time I was on my own I sort of expected more from life. It's the first time entering into the real world escaping from under the wing that was your comfort for so long and realizing that it's so hard to just fall down slippery slops and not really have much going for you. The thing is, I'm one to just embrace those sorts of things. I'm okay with the downfalls because I know in the end things are going to work out, at least to some degree and if not you collect your things, regroup and try again. It's sad because sometimes I just wonder what it would be like to only worry about number one again. Just me and not having to worry about anyone else. It would be all fine because I'm fine but I brought her here, with nothing but me where as this is my home and I have things here. I have people I can go and talk to. I have people within reach of me. I have these bonds and memories with people and places. When I go down the street the buildings are familiar. I'm not going to get lost or worried about getting lost because that time has long past. Sure, things have changed drastically every time I've been back in Calgary but overall it's not far from the same. I'm still me, trying to live the dream. Ever changing and adapting. Sometimes it's not fair to feel like I'm in control of her life. That I have to bring her under my wing and support her because I had to do it basically on my own. Last time I was here I knew just Dave and I somehow made something here with no help. I was down in the dumps numerous times, crying trying to find any way to make it through and I managed and that got me to where I am now. It was the freedom that everyone needs and sometimes I feel like she is missing out on it all. I just want her to get something here. Start off because right now I feel like I have to sort of pause my life a bit and help her along and I've done that so long that it's like, when is it going to be my time? It's so upsetting thinking that soon enough these guys aren't going to be around here anymore. They will be gone and doing the things they do and it's a good chance that I will never see them again. Or at least for a very long time. And what if by that point I don't have anything here anymore? What if they are the reason at points I love being in Calgary so much? I've already lost Dave, he left and changed and is now back in the Deer. I lost Jenny because to her I'm just a lying deceiving bitch and not worthy of her time. I've basically lost Tye because of the way life goes with rumors and weird situations and everything. John left and is basically no longer a part of my life so it's like, come on life. Stop giving me things and taking them away. It's not fair. It's like a kid in a pet store, you can play with the pets for a while but can't take them home. What's also weird is that the whole Katimavik thing no longer feels real at all. I look at pictures from it and of them in it now and there's not really that fond remembrance but more a question of how well I knew these people in the first place. Was I really myself? Because who I am now is nothing close to the person I was during that all. Or at least that's how it feels now. It's like that part of my life which isn't that far in the past has just been erased from my life and now no longer exists. I'm stepping back into my life roughly where I stopped in the first place. Maybe that's what's making it seem this way. I don't know, I just have so many thoughts going on right now. Where is my life taking me and should I start working on a plan or keep on keepin on?

Oh and I miss my bike like something fierce. I miss that part of me and I feel like I'm losing it. I want to go rip and go on these bike rides and feel like I'm part of something again. But instead I'm on my two feet and craving the freedom of busy roads and epic rips.

May Long long long.

Man, such a good night. 3 cups of coffee. 2 Depth Charges. Way too high to get ready and yet looking super hot. Dream weaver themesong of my summer. 2 cop cars and 1 ambulance. Guys from Katimavik at bar. Glow in the dark party. Your Love Is my Drug. Random guy's house party making friends. Drinking free Pilsner. You're middle name should Danger. Skateboarding on the street. Oh dream weaver.

A day in the...

Drag Queen. Guy pulling out lines from The Pickup Game or whatev's it's name is. Beer and poutine. Air pump bongs. Oh lordy, lordy.

Dream Weaver.

How am I even still alive? Last night, whoa. Could have been the best/worst invention EVER. So good man, so good.

Quilts

Well, that was weird. But nice at the same time. Wonder what that was about?

Effort Enough

one. There's something about people coming home that makes everything worthwhile and feel good again. Such a simple thing that completes the circle and erases a bad day.
two. Goodbyes can sometimes be the hardest and best thing you can do. So I decided today that if you can't even make it to say goodbye to me then obviously you shouldn't be in my life. When I was younger my mom had simple advice that I try my hardest to adhere to till this day. That is you never leave angry or on an angry tone. Just like the saying goes, never go to bad mad. Expect this one is different because you never know when you are going to see these people again. You don't know if something will happen and that could be the last time you will ever see them or talk to them again. So you want your lasting memory to be something pleasant, on good terms. Not in the heats of a silly argument. And to always say tell them you love them as your last word. Even if you could rip this persons head off, if you love them, let them know. Who knows if you ever get the chance to say it again. And well back to the point, I've had people walk out on me and leave without a goodbye time and time again. And that's it. It's not that hard to muster up the time for a hug, a quick passing of best wishes, I love you's if you do and a goodbye. So no goodbyes, mean no more hellos.
three. I want to travel. I'm getting that bug again. I want to live somewhere else. Start over clean with nothing but myself to know. I want to embark on a new adventure. Now's the hard part, figuring out how, where to and what for.
four. Mister dread-boy, why must you be so attractive to me and so far out of reach? I don't even know your name and know that when your close enough, the smell of you makes me want to consumed in it.

black eyes

I want you, I want you, I want you to come home.

Depth Charge

I wanting to sit down and write everything down to get it out and remember it. But I keep getting high and not able to find the words or the effort to put it down. Once again I'm in that situation so I'll just take the time to put down this simple thought. It's like we are playing house tag arn't we? You start here, I find you, switch, I take over, new location, you find me, switch, you take over, new location, switch and I'm supposed to find you again. Cause that's sort of how it works right? You were torn up over me right? You were a mess, that's alright. I'll find you, if that's the way it's supposed to work out, I'll find you.

Could this be out of line?

I just want something to get me through this.

Something is not right with me.

2 energy drinks
3 beers
pot cookie batter
1 pot cookie

BADBADBAD idea.

Note to self: Don't try to skateboard while under the influnence. My poor elbow.

Torn paper.

What to do? What to do? I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

Vitamins

The truth is I want a boyfriend. I want someone that I can go to and just forget about life for a while. Someone I can go to and talk freely with because we are at that level and there is that care and that love there. I want to curl up with someone in bed on a gloomy day and just cuddle not having to say anything because the company of that person is good enough. It doesn't feel like a waste of a day but more spending quality time with someone you care about. I miss cheesy text messages and written notes with pet names and underlying romantic tones. I miss waking up next to someone who would give so much for you without even having to ask. That has something to offer and willing to do it because they desire to. Not because of expectations or what they can get in return. I'm not used to being alone. Throughout my life there has almost constantly been a number two to my life. Someone to fill in the face in the blank part of my life. Even if it's just on that flirty just seeing each other level. There is something so desirable about that process of getting to know each other and bonding because of mutual attraction and mutual interest in each other. I know I've said it time and time again but I miss the little things like holding hands. There is something so intimate about holding hands to me, something more then sleeping together and anything else because it's putting your relationship out there in the most casual way possible. It says to the world that you are comfortable together and a part of something and you want it to be known. It's immature and something so small but something I crave. With relationships they enter you into a world that you may have never thought of before because people are so different and have various views of life. But at this point I don't have that. I don't have anything close to it and it's such a strange feeling and state to be in. I'm not used it it. I'm not accustomed to figuring out things on my own and having just myself to deal with. I say over and over again that it's a time for growth and learning about yourself but I've grown on my own and I find that I grow better with people close to me. I like having someone to lean on. A partner in crime. I feel so young but there are times like these where I have this desire to settle down with someone and grow not only as an individual but as a couple. I desire something more then the life of singledom. As far back as I can recall I've wanted to be a mother. There are times like these where I wish for nothing more then to have something dependant on me. That I can pass my views and lifestyles on and watch them grow into there own person with there own views and opinions on life. Because you never really know who they will become or what they will contribute to life. People say it to me time and time again that I would be an awesome mother and I feel that in my heart to be true. I crave the time that I can prove it to not only myself but to everyone else. I know I'm not in that position to my life. I have debt I have to pay off and I have to set out a life for myself. It's a contributing factor to why I'm so hard on myself and why I feel so down about where I am because the more time I waste and dabble in different things is time that I add onto when I can finally become what I want to be. I have this vision in my mind of exactly how I want my life to play out. The kind of way I would raise my kids. The values I will give them and the ways of life I want them to adapt to. It's crazy but I'm baby-crazy right now. Relationship-crazy and baby-crazy. But I crave something more then what I have right now.

Too late

Where do you go when you need to talk to someone about some deeper then just the weather? It seems like now-a-days nobody is willing to take on the heavy subjects but yet these are a normal part of life. Bad things happen to good people. So who do you go to when you just need to talk it out? It's hard to feel comforted and like things will turn out okay when nobody is willing to tell you that. Sometimes that's all you want to hear as obscene as that as. You need to hear yes, things are going to be okay. Even if you know it will be there is something that is only set off in your mind by hearing it from someone who genuinely cares about your well being. Because the truth is I know I will be okay. It's crazy to believe anything other then I will be okay. That's the thing I get myself into ruts all the time. I have a way of sneaking my way into sketchy situations and having to squeeze my way out of them. But I always manage to figure a way out of them and this isn't any different. It's just harder this time because life tends to work in circles. Coincidence happen way more then I'd like it to and cycle through all over again.

Come on let's take them home.

Awe yeah, ready to go pick up some 16 year old boys.

We remember our right now

It's so bizarre to think that in a couple hours it will be, what, 2 years that you've been gone. Even just writing that down sent the worst feeling down to the pit of my stomach. I just read through my emails written right after you left. It's so easy to replay those feelings. That utter despair and sheer loss of will towards life in all aspects. Even to this day it feels like there is a part of me missing and I try to imagine where my life would be if circumstances had been different. Would I still be putting myself in these situations? Making bad decisions with ultimately unfortunate outcomes? The truth is that I will never know because for whatever reason it was your time to leave. Each year around this time something subconsciously forces me into this negative downwards spiral. I get worn down and easily agitated. Worrying and stressing and generally feeling down in the dumps. It's like the inner core of me is mourning for the loss of you still. I wish I knew what you'd say to cheer me up. But the truth is I lost the ability to read you and your wisdom long ago. I don't remember the way your voice sounds. The way you placed words in a sentence or the tone of your voice. I do remember you constantly singing and acting as if everything was a drum. Or at least in my memories it was constant, who knows now? I don't remember how you used to smell or the weird little quirks about you. It feels weird to say your name or relate things to you because you're not someone I can run into on the street and introduce you to people as the one I loved. I can't act like we've had a falling apart or went separate ways because you're gone and always will be gone. They say stories and memories will keep you alive always but the truth is trying to talk about you just brings up awkward conversations. When things start with "My dead ex.." or anything around those lines people stop knowing how to act normal and start to sympathize with you. I don't want it. I don't want to dust off those old feelings and wear them once again. I've grown up, or at least I'm trying to grow up. The person I am now might not need to go to you for every piece of advice you could muster up. The me I am now could probably hold a normal relationship. Could be in the midst of forming and sustaining a real relationship and I don't want to think that way because you were my forever and the days keep slipping by and not one of them is part of that forever.

So high, so high.

So I'm okay with everything. If I get this job then that's all that matters because why would I want to stay in a life that I'm not going to be happy in. I don't like drama. I've been around drama all my life and it's really just not doing me any good. I want to be happy and not forced happy because of false presumptions about things. I don't need to have my name thrown around like some kind of circus act because I know I'm a good person and I deserve better then that. I try to help people. I give them the benefit of the doubt and see the good in them. And really, some people are just not worth it and if you don't see what I'm trying to do then you don't deserve my time of day or the compassion I am willing to give to you. So yeah, take advantage of it. Do what you feel like you need to do and when I'm gone you will realize I'm gone because you're not going to meet someone like me again. And that's life. That's just it. That's life.

It rains alot this time of year.

I had a dream about you last night. It felt good to see your face. For a second when I woke up I thought I was laying in bed in my crackhouse with you. Turns out I'm just in an awkward situation nearing a deadend.

Mr Serious

Whoa axehead. Whoa.

summer skin

Thoughts of today:
one. Rug burn/bruises on knees may equal good night but it might also equal the most pain in the ass shower ever and having a hard time walking in tight pants.
two. Maybe something more is wrong with my leg. Can someone please tell me that it's normal to lose feeling in your hip and surrounding area on a regular basis. Because it's happening more then I would like and spreading down my leg. I don't want to wait it out like the doctor said.
three. I have 2 options. I can pull back. Act like this isn't a big deal. Act like it doesn't bother me and otherwise try to go on normally with life. Or I can jump into it and make it a bigger deal then it is. Right now I can't really decide which would be a better idea. I know the second option would most likely make things worse and start more drama but the thing is I'm trying to stand my ground and protect my liability. I did nothing to start this. I get drug into things because of people's insane insecurity and the inability to just move on and handle things like grown ups. So instead up pulling up there panties like real ladies do I get my name slandered and spread around. It would be so easy for me to drop so much down on this, make it explode out of control. Hurt people. Start drama. Go all Matulka. But for what? For what?
four. Smoke, water. Smoke, water. Smoke, water. How much can a body take? I guess I'll find out.
five. I could stay or I could go. I could make something here or I could turn up the white flag and walk away with some sense of dignity. I could try my hardest or I could keep going on the way I'm going with an end in sight. I could screw both me and her over because I'm scared and worried and stressed about the outcome of anything to do with life. I could do one of two things. Which one though?
six. Maybe she is right. Maybe that's all that it is. But yet a part of me hates to believe it. Maybe because if that's right then what else is right? I don't know why I care. I know what it can and can't be but I can't wrap my mind around what's right and what's wrong. I can't decide where to go and how I feel about anything. I want things to feel normal. And in some sense that aspect does but I don't know if it's just me or what it is. I don't even know and I have all these worries about it because I know me. People think they know me. They think that I have a heart of steel and that I'm cold and I can drop things without a second thought. And yeah from the outside that makes sense. I would see that too. But nobody sees what goes on in my head and the struggle I go through. Nobody sees that I do hurt and these things do keep me up at night. And I wonder and I worry and I hurt just like everyone else. Nobody sees me fall. Everyone always just sees me on both feet ready to tackle what's next. And maybe I'm just really good at playing that game. I'm good at my role. I can convince you that everything is good. Miss nobody. Need nobody. Care about nobody. If only that was the truth.
seven. Jealousy. Why?
eight. I can't help but to miss you and now that you are not around it makes things worse because I question everything. Everything you had said and everything that people say to me now. And I know that if you were here really what difference would it make? And the truth is, probably not much. I wish I could believe your words but I'm pretty sure it's all part of your game. And I'm just another one of your pawns in it. Either way I miss you. This city just reminds me of you. So I'll miss you and walk down the memory lane until, well until something. I don't know yet but something.
nine. I'm lonely. I don't like being alone but the thing is I'm not really ever alone. I don't think I've been alone for longer then maybe half an hour for the past week and I'm still lonely. Lonely in the aspect that there is usually a number 2 in my life. And right now I can honestly say there is no number 2. And the cuddling and kisses and whatever don't fill that void because it's a game. Just a game. And I don't want to play right now.

Everyday I see my dream

What's a good way to ask your friend if they heard you have sex last night? LOL

Zone

I'm not too sure how I feel about everything right now. For everything good there is something bad. I guess that's just life though. Things don't go as you expect them to. Plans change. People change. Times change. I'm back in my city but it doesn't feel like my city anymore.

Ciao bella.

1. The tree in front of my family home squeaks in the wind. It sounds like a combination of old wooden floors and swinging on a swing. Creepy yet beautiful.
2. I miss my dreads, alot. I wish I never brushed them out.
3. I hate my hair now. I guess that could work into 2, but I felt like it needed it's own section. So I think I might butcher it soon. It's not me. I'm not a real girl.
4. Hey body, you can stop hating me anytime now. I know I've been treating you like crap but I'm sorry. I can't really do anything else at the moment, but soon enough I'll treat you like a temple again. You'll see.
5. I miss you.

High Heels

Maybe things are going to work up. Come on sunshine, come brighten my day.

Grows a little colder.

A part of me wonders where I would be now. The relationships I could have formed. The drama I could have side-stepped. I know it's too late to admit that I may have made a mistake. But I'm afraid it's coming to the surface and I wake wondering where I would be right now, riddling my mind with the dilemmas I could have avoided. My days drag on with no meaning and no motion. I crave the comfort of routine and separated days. I miss the daily grind, the day in the day out. You wouldn't understand how a prison can become your comfort. How looking back you then realize what you had and who it could have made you. I hear their words in my head telling me not to and wanting to go back and tell them they were right. Where am I now? What am I doing now. The truth is nothing. Sitting and staring and losing all the progress I've made. Slipping back into the person I was growing to hate. Looking in the mirror questioning why I've turned into this. Not recognizing the changes made because they are fading along with everything else. It feels like time has sped up and instead of seconds feeling like hours it's now the reverse. And I'm all alone. Separated. I have no home and the place that feels like home won't be the same anymore. I left because I had outgrown that place, I wanted better for myself and now look at me. I'm following my footprints back to a place where the ghosts of my former self scatter the earth. I had a plan. I had dreams. And now what do I have? Can't anyone tell me what to do?

how I met your mom

So apparently feeling like a bad person just sort of fades away a certain point.

Bingo

New addiction: My Life As Liz. And oh god, cabin fever. Need to get out of the house. Need to go do something. Ahhh!

Stitches come undone

Oh my goodness. I need a smoke right now. Stat.

I would, I would, I would

Hmm, what to do? What to do? What to do?
Seems like once again I've gotten myself in a couple sticky situations.

Enter title.

I wonder if anyone were to read this if they would just assume my titles have nothing to with what I write about. Because to me they do. At least most of them. They connect to it. Sometimes only by a tiny tread and then sometimes by something I can't feel like putting down. Makes you wonder.

.

"I keep fighin' and I'm tryin' to get right in my mind Bryan"

11:11

I remember the way the sun would shine through the blinds leaving warm spots on the living room carpet. And how the dust would dance and glitter through the stream of light whenever it was stirred. I remember warm spring days with country music flowing from the living room as my grandma stood over the sink belting out the words she knew all too well. I love how off-keyed she sounded but that didn't matter cause you could feel her passion coming through. I remember running through the clouds of baby powder in the bathroom before bed. How it suffocated your breath instantly and will forever remind me of my grandma. I remember slow drives on winter nights as I stared out the window at the snail like tracks of delicate snow drifted behind the truck. And the country music again. Always the country music. I remember laying in the back seats of vehicles on the ride home from the grocery store or where-ever we were and memorizing the skyline. The tree's, the power lines, the tops of building and trying my hardest to figure out where I was without looking. I remember clearing off the kitchen counters so there was the most room possible to make homemade cinnamon buns. How I was more of a pain then an assistant but my mom let me help anyways. The smell of sweet yeast and savory spice. I remember playing under the willow trees on summer days. Days so beautiful that all you wanted to do was lay on the grass and listen to the way the wind played it's melody through each and every leaf. Or maybe by chance just watch the clouds float by on as you felt on top of the world on a hill that now seems to have shrunk by at least half. I remember days at the playground where if we swung high enough we felt like if we reached up we would be able to touch the tree branches. And if that wasn't close enough then we would all climb up our tree and just hang out and waste away our days. I remember trips to the Little Ice Cream and Soda Shop and how I had to stand on the steps just to see into the cases. How I'd look at every flavour one by one even though I knew them all by heart and would just choose the same thing every time. I remember how all those felt but I just can't feel them anymore so at 11:11, that's what I'll wish for.

seasons changed

It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling right now. It's always times like these where I need to write and get it out but nothing wants to come out. My thoughts want to stay tucked away in the darkest corners of my minds and nag me on. I'd like to say that I've done some growing up but putting that down might be too concrete of a thing to do because I'm not really sure. At times it feels like I've grown into me a little better. I understand the way I work, the way I want things, the way I let go of things and the way I hold on. I understand that sometimes you have to let go before you want to because in the end it will hurt less. I know now that maybe most of the problems do come back to me. Because I can't let go. Because I can't move on. Because maybe I don't know what's worth holding onto and what's not. I've got more in touch with who I really am and the aspects of me I can't change. At least not right now. And maybe I'm still a major work in progress. That eventually all the pieces will fit together. Even for a fraction of a moment and I can finally reveal what all this work was for. I know what can and can't be. In my mind that is. In my mind I'm pretty sensible. I can work things out and place those onto the reality of the situation. In my mind I know what's in reach and what I've been reaching towards for far too long. It's my heart that leads me astray. That part of me believes that anything can be possible. That if you love something or someone enough then it will change reality. Time can stop in a moment and change direction to give you what you want. In my heart I'm still that naive little girl that nobody really paid that much attention to. But the thing is even though I know what's possible and what's not I am still a dreamer. A believer that there is a chance that people can change. That situations will look up and become ideal. And maybe that's what crushing me right now. Because after all the so-called growing I've done a part of me is devastated at the thought of living in a place where your life will leave a giant void. With the past in the past and maybe a little in the present I don't want to be in a place like that. In some weird way the city brings people together. Paths collide and for that moment you can relive the past. Dwell on the moment when you were together in the city and it was nothing to do with coincidence. It's hard to picture life like that because even at the worst times I still was always waiting to run into you on the street. And I know soon enough that won't be a possibility. Because even at the times where I hate everything you have done to me and all the ways you've hurt me there's a moment where I see your face, or even just the back of your head and every angry part of me melts away. I wish people were more likely to take risks. To jump on the chances they had and to give love a chance. And maybe I'm just the worst hypocrite at practising what you preach.

NinePM

Can I just stop being sick now? I can't think let alone deal with this right now.

The Room

You say your "sorry's" and "thank you's".

You're not in the room.

Why can't the easter bunny bring me what I really want?

Card Games

What do you see when you look at me? Can you smell the lasting linger of stale smoke and restless nights? Is it the freckles; faded memories of long lost summers leaving there traces across my face? Or the blotched complexion leaving it's mark from the nervous compulsive face touching and the resting ground of another long day? Could you read into my eyes and decipher my inner feels of the day? Or would you be able to look deeper? See past imperfections and murky waters to reveal what's underneath? Could you tell me who I should be or what route my life should be taking? I know you'd try.

Page 1.

Alright, so I guess how else do you start a new adventure? Jump in balls deep with a new haircut. I hope it turns out alright or there goes 6 months or more of hair growth down the drain.

Look at my eggs.

I miss fibre class. I miss working with fabric and creating something, well.. it's so hard to describe what we did in fibre class. You took something, an object or a place or even just a feeling and made it in a 2-d fibre project. I know that sounds sort of lame and hard to understand but it's just such a unique way to look at art. Because you aren't trying to show exactly what it is or replicate it but more finding the basics of it. Finding how this said subject made you feel. Something like the temperature of the room or the energy you felt when holding onto it. Something that can't normally be so easily expressed in art but in this case takes the main stage. I miss it but a huge part of me feels like it's so pointless. What I learned at ACAD was that art all in all is pretty pointless. I don't know how to make a life out of it. I wish I felt the same was I felt before I went into that school. I had such a heart towards art. It felt like something do-able. A way of life I could bring myself into. But the art world isn't able artist merit at all. It's a pretentious game of who wears what, who went to where and who's the post popular. It felt more like a game of who's more hip then who then who's better at art. I think what's the most frustrating is that those girls, those guys who were the most popular were more accepted in the art world and I just felt like I had to play catch up no matter where I went. I wasn't part of that scene, I was just the shy girl in the background. The girl that had no friends and that people had no idea who she was, not even teachers. Nobody. I was a nobody and that showed in my art. It felt like why even make an effort when you're not even there? I have so much regret about the whole subject that I don't even really talk about it and can't even let myself try all over again. It's like there's a part of my mind that keeps telling me "Look Lisa, you already failed, why? Why try?" and it holds me back and keeps me from doing it. But I know that I miss it. I miss it and I can't do anything about it because I'm more realistic then to try to pursue it again. And I keep telling myself that over and over that it's not my life anymore but look at me, who am I trying to convince? Myself or them? Because it's still a part of me. So where do I go from here?

Fresh

I hate this waiting game. I get bored too easy. My attention span dwindles and dapples from one subject to another. I'm grasping at loose ends trying to find a connection but failing. I don't know where to start or where to end. I want things but I don't know what. Where do I begin? The life I hate is now becoming what I'm craving. Something stable and sustainable. A subject for every hour, every day. A place to be, something to feel accomplished instead of seconds spilling out of glowing screens and impatient minds. The past seems distant but entwined in the present. Like a twisted time warp and I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. How do I put my thoughts to words. I'm not sure but I keep trying. Keep throwing down words like they contain some kind of meaning but keep tiptoeing around what I really want to say. I have things to do. A list to complete but my motivation comes to rest in a place where time seems to stand still. I should have more faith in my future but I can't see through my clouded thoughts. I need the sun to shine in and show me the way, as lame as that sounds. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, well, what am I trying to say?

LiveLove

Sometimes your love
It's so pretty I just wanna sink in
And sometimes your heart
Well, it's so pretty I just wanna live there
Well I wish I could bottle it up and breathe it out like Valium

Your love

You said darling, just imagine me and you and all the stars in the world.
But the stars refuse to shine through all the grey and long lost nights.

Hear the beat.

So once again I'm at a cross-road. Where I'm at and where I'm going. Time stands still, or maybe it just trickles by. Deceivingly. I have choices I have to make. I have to think about my future and where I want to be. Think about more then the moment. Back to the daily grind. To the day in and day out. I can't even find meaning behind my words anymore. They lack character and can't seem to follow any single thought process. I guess that's just me though. I can't even think my thoughts in line for enough time to get it down and out.

We had everything?

Can this movie just stop now? Can we call cut and have things go back to normal? Because I'm so tired and worn out and I can't stomach the thought of living each and every day like this. I'm over feeling like the punchline to this lifelong joke that I lead. I'm tired of the coincidences. I'm tired of the day-in-day-out drama and complications. I just want a break, please. To lay under the stars and not have to constantly wonder what is going to happen next, what will mess up next and where to go from there. It's exhausting and I can't even do it anymore. I can't do it anymore so please.

Day 1, again.

So umm yeah, this is way weirder then I thought it was going to be. Sort of freaking out. Alot. Might be thinking this is a bad idea. That I made a mistake, and I'm not really sure what to do now. I need to talk to my tri-pod, like right now or... I'm not sure what I'm going to do. This doesn't feel like home anymore. It feels super weird being in a city again. Hearing traffic and stuff. And I miss my girls already. Yeah, definatly need to talk to someone...

Will not leave me alone.

I don't want to be back here.

Out the door.

So, apparently somewhere along the line I decided I wanted to look like a crack whore.
That works for me!
Rimouskkkkii!

And here comes the stress.

I'm starting to worry, I have no real reason to but it's coming and coming on hard.
Was it something I said? Or didn't say?
I'm trying but you're so far away. No contact, no comfort.
I mean what I say, does that still mean the same?
Are words just spoken because of expectations or do they still flow from the pits of your stomach?
I'm not sure, because I forget how I feel sometimes.
I hear your voice and I want to remember. But it's starting to feel like a faded memory.
Something I saw in a movie or read in a book once.
Something I felt at one time, fictional or not.
So please just let me know. Let me know where this is going.
Tell me my worrying is cute, that I have nothing to worry about.
You are here, even though you aren't here.
Tell me anything but goodbye.

To be.

If I am alive this time next year
Will I arrive in time to share?
And mine is about as good this far.
And I'm still applied to what you are.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you.
And I heard from the trees a great parade.
And I heard from the hills a band was made.
And will I be invited to the sound?
And will I be a part of what you've made?
And I am throwing all my thoughts away.
And I'm destroying every bet I've made.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you.

Morning Comes.

Life is a rollarcoaster, darling. But this I know for sure, the people you are supposed to meet you will. I may not know much but I know that for a fact. Two months into this and I still can't put the words down to describe in any accurate sense what I'm doing here but I have learned so much about myself. Maybe I never wanted to learn french in the first place. Maybe I never really cared about volunteering. Maybe I just needed to get away from home. I don't know much but I know I've met people I'm supposed to meet. Met people that have changed my life and changed how I see my future. People that have seen me at my highest and watched me plummet with no falter to my character. Just acceptance. Acceptance and love. I have met people that I love. Love in the deepest sense and with no persuasion. I love them for who they are and who they could be. And I'm willing to sacrifice for them to see things through. I'm willing to put myself on the line to see what the future holds. Because I can't see a future without those faces in it. For whatever reason we all came here to meet each other. And now that our paths have met this can't be the end. At least not now. I don't know what my future holds but I know for now I need them in it. So I'm counting down the days till I can see you again. Till I can jump into your arms and for everything to fall back into place. Because it doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing as long as we are together. If that's not real love, then I don't know what is.

Best.

I'm so over how all my belongings are either a) going missing or b) breaking.
Get real.

Glue.

Turn the light out, say goodnight.
No thinking for a little while.
Let's not try to figure out everything at once.
It's hard to keep track of you falling through the sky.
We're half awake in a fake empire.
We're half awake in a fake empire.

Baby

Please, please, please come and talk to me.
Because the cards are all lining up and I don't want to read them.
To believe them. And you're not here to work it out.

3,2,1

It's funny, cause I went from talking to do you being with him.
Little minds.

Promises.

So, kind of want a baby. No lies.
Bad news bears?

Green

I'm just gonna go out on a whim and say that, it is in fact not normal for my pee to be an greenish neon yellow colour.

But that's okay, I'll just cover it up and add to it by taking my multi-vitamins.
Problem solved!

semaine

I sleep in your shirt every night. It's the only thing calming my breathing.

Zoo

You're afraid to stick out your chin and say okay life's a fact. People do fall in love. People do belong with each other. Because that's the only chance anyone's got for real happiness.

Skies

It's always grey.
And the children raise there heads and cry out
"Baby, won't you come out?"

Again

A part of me wants you to read this. Wants you to know. Get in my mind. But maybe a part of me doesn't because then what? What if I wake up and lose it all?

Where?

And I'm laying awake thinking.
Wondering where we go from here?
What we do.
Asking the questions I don't know the answers to.

Long Enough

Best Sunday ever.
Wake up, smoke up.
Pass out until 6PM.
Forget people don't speak English here.
Try to talk to guy at store in English.
Get lost on the way back home.
One problem.
Coming home and you are not here to let me tell you about it.

Hotbox

I'm starting to realize how completely messed up the whole concept of this program is. It starts by tearing you away from your comfort zone. The people who knew you, whatever description of you that you want to be know, that you play off. Or it detaches you from the reality you know and offers you a place to take it all out. This isn't a program of a go our and volunteer in the community. It's everyone's "Out" as some might say. The excuse placed down to cover up the secret missions of the program. It's someone's rehab. It's a motivation and confidence boaster. It's someone's only hope to make it in the world. But it's sugarcoated so beautifully that until you get under the surface and imprisoned in the center of it all that you then do realize it. You are surrounded by these complete strangers. These blank canvass, ready to be come who they want to be. Showcase the person they have felt inside the whole time but couldn't let be known. They create a completely new meaning of family and the bounds of it. Because these blank canvas are going to become your family. You are tossed down in, at times, feels like a whole different country. A place taking up such a role that you forget to sit down and realize the extremes of it. How you can be living a whole different life. In a room you are quick to realise how out of place you really are. Stuck in a place with different customs, with sayings and mannerisms that will never make sense. They will never feel like the norm, not ever been painted in our brains. Could someone on the outside ever really make there home here without leaving behind everything you thought you knew? There are eyes on you everywhere you go. Like a life-size Where's Waldo game, but instead of Waldo it's like they are searching for the English person in the room. It's not hard, if anyone is staring, whispering in any manner then follow their gaze and sure enough we will all be at the end of it. It takes you back to a time in life where there was no independence. If you wanted something then it had to be asked for by someone else. Words needing to be translated and explained in the pettiest fashion in order to be understood. Dropping letters and blurring together of words. Mono-tone. Misunderstood. And then there are the moments. Moments where you forget where you are, forget you're the elephant in the room. You forget and you live. Live together as broken members of a mismatched family. But it's not long-lived because they rip you apart. Take away your care towards it all. You create these bonds so complicated and intricate that you could never understand it. Unless you are within these walls you could never grasp even the most minute portion of it. These bonds so bizarre on their own because they feel so normal despite being not. So normal that you forget the time having been past and just feel it. Time speeds up. Time crawls by. Days are undefined within the limits of time. Already blocked out in the mind what section of day goes where. A day in the life is like four or more. Placed separately together to form a series of events. The passing by of time where forgot to be put together. You bond. Bond with no limits as to what should be shared. Who should be who. The role naturally takes place. The love you feel, the incomplete feeling when not fully around. Thinking of leaving drives me insane. Spinning around and round. To miss them all or to miss one? They create this family just to shatter it at the end. Willing so easily to retract there statements and erase all the potential progress to be done. Time stands still as the hope drops and the knot untangles. It throws you back into a place that longer fits. With people that once were known but lovers turn to strangers and strangers each way. You are no longer you. The person you were. With no guidance for what to do. Or a hand directed towards the beating heart. The stepping stones are slick. We need to stand up for each other. We need to build our own links in each other's spines. Building up that backbone with our hearts and helping hands. So hard to keep your head up and see through the clouds. See through the tearing apart of the paper bonds. I feel like life was correct to bring me to this place. This situation. Because I was meant to meet these people and become part of their lives. It wouldn't feel this natural and comfortable if it didn't. It can't question my feelings because it's the only thing I know as fact. So you won't understand the connection. You won't understand how close people can become within a month and a half with each other. A month with each other. Even a week with each other. You can try to understand but don't regress. You just won't. Can't. Could never. You can't rebuild this dynamic. The laughter or the heartache. So where do we go? What do we do?

Am I free?

Just spent the past 2 hour high as shit getting my hair dreaded.
What kind of program is this?

I hope you.

All these words, these ways you should be feeling,
But you don't.
So I poison my body grasping to feel something beyond it all.
Something deeper and more meaningful
Poisoning to feel nothing at all.
And you think you know irony?
You know nothing but the empty words
Left behind shells on a glowing screen.
Tricking you into believing you understand.
That you are a part of something.
It's a lie.
But you should be used to those.
Do they still leave a taste in your mouth?
It doubt it.

IOU

Traces of I love you's across skin go unnoticed.
I fell for you long before you fell for me.

Middle Man.

I'm so torn. I wish I had better words to express it but that's all I can come up with. I'm torn because my mind can't make a decision on what it wants. I keep flipping back and forth like day to night and in the end I'm not closer to knowing then when I started. It's like, well... it basically comes down to the past or the future. Which road I want to take and where it will end up. The thing is, I know the past. It's familiar and I know that there's a great possibility of it ending up really bumpy and there's an almost guarantee that it's a dead end. But yet a part of me is willing to take it over and over again regardless of the consciences. And I'm hoping that it's because a part of me know that in the end it's the right choice. Because really, there has to be a reason I keep going back even though I know the history and I know the outcomes. I'm told I need to stop living in the past. To move on and move ahead, because living in the past is no life at all. That the past is the past for a reason. But the future, to me, it's just a big unknown. Yet I'm drawn to it because it's mysterious. Because I don't know what will happen. There's the possibility that the past lacks and if anything that's the greatest lure. Not knowing what will happen opens the door to almost anything. So which road to take? What if I make the wrong choice and I end up somewhere stranded in the middle? What am I willing to risk? Is there any gain better off then the loss? And truth is, I don't know. Even after writing this all down I still don't know. Because either way I'm missing out, and it's always me. Stuck in the middle.

You

Lost in translation.
That's what she said,
As the words cascaded out her mouth
And lingered delicately in the air.

Young One.

What do I want anymore?
Maybe I don't know. Maybe I don't even know who I am anymore.
Because I'm changing and I don't even know if I like it.

Go on.

I want to wash my hair so I can remember.

Are you still mad?

Why can't I just get over you?
Why do you keep coming back to my life over and over again?
I get to the point where it feels like I can keep the past in the past and there you are again.
It still feels like cheating. I don't think it ever didn't.
It's your face.
Your stupid crooked smile.
Your freckles that I still find so adorable.
Your scruffy face.
Just, your face. In the back of my mind telling me that it's wrong.
That a piece of you, even just a fragment of you still is part of me.
That a part of me still belongs to you.
And I can't pinpoint why.
Why I feel this way and can't let go.
Why can't I let go of you? Tell me that?
Because I know at least a tiny part of you feels that same way too.

Worried shoes.

An horse and wanting to go home.

But where is home anymore?

Early mornings.

Welcome to hungover city. Population 3.

Last song.

You can't leave.
You can't leave.
Oh god, you can't leave.

Dynamite

His fingers trace in light circles around her belly button. She is sure he can feel the muscles tense under the delicate touch. He doesn't stop. She doesn't want him to. In his eyes she is beautiful. Perfect with flaws in tact. His touch tells a story of desire and of awe.

Bent.

Kisses on the head. Three way spooning. If he can't see it then he's not worth it.
This is all I need right now. You won't be around when I get back. But I won't be around either.

Titty bar.

Not going to lie. I'm like mad craving sex at like a 10/10 right now. It's pretty bad. If I don't do something about it soon I might actually go crazy.

Be poppin

Mac mac Loreal yep cause I'm worth it
Love's the way I puts it on so perfect
Wipe the corners of my mouth so I work it

Dirty dishes.

Week one.
Sexy Bitch reminds me of you.
I may miss you but I will not let you know.
Mind over matter and matter over mind.
It is all about the cards baby.

fak!

Soooo my camera is broken. Which is just awesome, 10 out of 10 for sure. And there is nothing really I can do about it. I'm frustrated. I can't even do anything about it because nobody speaks english and won't tell me anything to do. And I can't even speak proper english anymore. Oh my god!

Roses are red.

18's not too young to sleep with right?

Think with your puss not with your head!

We, we?

I'm not really too sure what to write right now. I have all these thoughts and ideas that I want to get down when I don't have access to a computer but right now I'm just tired and too reflective. I can hear most of my roommates downstairs right now, drunk or drunkish laughing it up and it kind of sucks that I decided to stay in tonight instead of going out. I'll probably end up regretting it like I usually do but I'm not really too sure right now. It just feels like I missed out on some more bonding with the group. We are pretty close already but I think I just got left out some. They asked me to go and I decided to stay instead and was going to practice my french but that didn't happen.

Maybe I should start more from the beginning and fill in with a bit more information. So Katimavik so far is not anything that I expected it to be. I expected it to be a bunch of douchey loser people that had no friends and we not into anything else or had nothing better to do but no. It's actually pretty much the complete opposite. At least the English speaking parts of the group. I haven't really talked much to the French ones. Mostly because I can't understand pretty much anything that they are saying. But really, we are all pretty much crazy and get along super well. On the first day all the English folk just stayed up and talked about partying and doing drugs and such. I mean really, how did I expect anything different. I'd get into it more but I think everyone is finally going to bed.

Je ne, help me understand.

I love my group and everyone in it and I want to be here. But when I look at pictures or go on facebook I miss home.

Stupid

Wow, this is so lame. I leave in the morning and nobody can even bother to be around me. Jenny and Tye are sleeping. Nobody is going to be at Matt's so I doubt that is even going to happen. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone in my family. I didn't get to say goodbye to any of my friends in Red Deer. I mean, what's the point? Maybe I should just call it a night right now and say screw it.

How to reach the moon.

Red bull, Hanson and vacuum seal bags. <3

Blue and Yellow

I don't know where to start, but I'll start without you.

cunt in bloom

So my level of hipster tomorrow is going to be outrageous. And also the bomb digs. And whatever else kind of awesomeness sayings I can think of that explain how wickedly awesome to the max they are.

That is all.

Oh and Youth in Revolt was probably the funniest movie ever.

Also, also, I have all the terms I need to know in french now, including: Is that it? You can leave now and many more not so pg. LOVE it.

Red

Time flys. Unless of course you want it to and in that case it drags along. Minute by minute. Second by second. Boxes have been packed and taken away. Books with books and clothes with clothes. Taped up, labeled and brought to there new home. Everything that is but me. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. Like a ghost lurking around corners invading in the space that once was my own.

Countdown to Nothing

I missed out on saying goodbye to my family to say goodbye to you. And you can't even give me that. Why am I so so stupid.
"You mean nothing to me"
Why can't I just accept that?

Plus or Minus

Thoughts of the day:
I find it a completely weird concept that basically all the people I went to high school are now
1. Pregnant or have a kid, or kids or a family or all of the above
2. Have gotten fat, fatter or expanded to the point beyond recognition. May have something to do with number 1.
3. Are in serious relationships.
I'm not sure how I feel about it all. I know for a fact I am nowhere near being in the point in my life where I could feel comfortable having a kid. For me to say that even seems weird because as far back as I can remember I always wanted to be young mom. Maybe it's because that's all I know. But that's what I wanted. Looking back now and being who I am now I can't even begin to fathom my life plus one. That plus one being either a baby or someone that I'm seriously involved with. I'm just at a time in my life where I can't stay still. I can't be stuck to the same place for said amount of time. I have not even started my life yet, let alone be able to settle down enough to the point where I can worry about someone other then myself. And it makes me think, am I just that far behind everyone else or are they just rushing into it? How many people regret there lives right now and wish they had it different? Wish they had the freedom that I had. Right now I'm planning on where I'd want to live when I come back and I bet all on there mind is what money can go to what bill or what kind of future there child is going to have. Or maybe I just have it completely wrong. Maybe I'm the one missing out because I'm the one who is basically facing the world alone. But like I say, the day I settle down is the day I stop living.