Vitamins

The truth is I want a boyfriend. I want someone that I can go to and just forget about life for a while. Someone I can go to and talk freely with because we are at that level and there is that care and that love there. I want to curl up with someone in bed on a gloomy day and just cuddle not having to say anything because the company of that person is good enough. It doesn't feel like a waste of a day but more spending quality time with someone you care about. I miss cheesy text messages and written notes with pet names and underlying romantic tones. I miss waking up next to someone who would give so much for you without even having to ask. That has something to offer and willing to do it because they desire to. Not because of expectations or what they can get in return. I'm not used to being alone. Throughout my life there has almost constantly been a number two to my life. Someone to fill in the face in the blank part of my life. Even if it's just on that flirty just seeing each other level. There is something so desirable about that process of getting to know each other and bonding because of mutual attraction and mutual interest in each other. I know I've said it time and time again but I miss the little things like holding hands. There is something so intimate about holding hands to me, something more then sleeping together and anything else because it's putting your relationship out there in the most casual way possible. It says to the world that you are comfortable together and a part of something and you want it to be known. It's immature and something so small but something I crave. With relationships they enter you into a world that you may have never thought of before because people are so different and have various views of life. But at this point I don't have that. I don't have anything close to it and it's such a strange feeling and state to be in. I'm not used it it. I'm not accustomed to figuring out things on my own and having just myself to deal with. I say over and over again that it's a time for growth and learning about yourself but I've grown on my own and I find that I grow better with people close to me. I like having someone to lean on. A partner in crime. I feel so young but there are times like these where I have this desire to settle down with someone and grow not only as an individual but as a couple. I desire something more then the life of singledom. As far back as I can recall I've wanted to be a mother. There are times like these where I wish for nothing more then to have something dependant on me. That I can pass my views and lifestyles on and watch them grow into there own person with there own views and opinions on life. Because you never really know who they will become or what they will contribute to life. People say it to me time and time again that I would be an awesome mother and I feel that in my heart to be true. I crave the time that I can prove it to not only myself but to everyone else. I know I'm not in that position to my life. I have debt I have to pay off and I have to set out a life for myself. It's a contributing factor to why I'm so hard on myself and why I feel so down about where I am because the more time I waste and dabble in different things is time that I add onto when I can finally become what I want to be. I have this vision in my mind of exactly how I want my life to play out. The kind of way I would raise my kids. The values I will give them and the ways of life I want them to adapt to. It's crazy but I'm baby-crazy right now. Relationship-crazy and baby-crazy. But I crave something more then what I have right now.