I'm thinking maybe I should be a little bit concerned with the path life is taking me in life. I mean really, how productive do my days seem to end up. And it's like every day I somehow manage to get myself in some weird sticky situation and it doesn't seem to bother me at all. I mean, in the end that's just my life and that's the way I live so it's no big deal to me. I'm starting to think Linen doesn't really see it that way. She talks about low expectations and how she doesn't need much in life but something in her face is telling me that she's not happy. And well, I don't really know what I can do about it because overall I'm pretty content. I have some things set out, not much but something. I love coming home to this place and I'm okay sitting around doing nothing. I don't have to be constantly entertained. I can just sit in silence and do nothing and I'll be totally okay with it. I guess in that way I have the only child syndrome. Where I can find ways to entertain myself because I only had myself. At least in theory. But there gets to a point where I can tell she is just hating everything about life and I'm good to just lay on the couch listening to music or doing something stupid with the guys because well, that's life. And I've already lived this before. This is kind of normal for me. I know what to expect and I guess I just sort of forget that she doesn't really know what to expect and this is not the norm from her. All that she knows is the life living at home. And now here she is, pretty much alone in a different city for the first time with me. Me of all people. It's like somewhere along the line she made a bad choice because I'm not the prime candidate for setting people off on their feet. I am just a weird person. I don't know if people fully realize it but maybe I have a few nuts loose somewhere and I'm alright with that. And I'm way honest. Just way too honest with everyone about everything and that might be a bad thing. But that's just the way I work. I'm honest with everyone. I will give everyone the time of day and I will at chance tell people my crazy stories. I don't have a line that shouldn't be crossed. I mean, I'm sure at one point I did have that line but in time it just faded and now I'm sure most of the people I know think I'm crazy. I spent a good portion of the day today looking at weird porn and reading bad sex stories. With everyone around me knowing that and I think that a normal person might be ashamed of that or might not voice that. But I'm getting way off topic. I think she just sort of expects more out of life. I know the first time I was on my own I sort of expected more from life. It's the first time entering into the real world escaping from under the wing that was your comfort for so long and realizing that it's so hard to just fall down slippery slops and not really have much going for you. The thing is, I'm one to just embrace those sorts of things. I'm okay with the downfalls because I know in the end things are going to work out, at least to some degree and if not you collect your things, regroup and try again. It's sad because sometimes I just wonder what it would be like to only worry about number one again. Just me and not having to worry about anyone else. It would be all fine because I'm fine but I brought her here, with nothing but me where as this is my home and I have things here. I have people I can go and talk to. I have people within reach of me. I have these bonds and memories with people and places. When I go down the street the buildings are familiar. I'm not going to get lost or worried about getting lost because that time has long past. Sure, things have changed drastically every time I've been back in Calgary but overall it's not far from the same. I'm still me, trying to live the dream. Ever changing and adapting. Sometimes it's not fair to feel like I'm in control of her life. That I have to bring her under my wing and support her because I had to do it basically on my own. Last time I was here I knew just Dave and I somehow made something here with no help. I was down in the dumps numerous times, crying trying to find any way to make it through and I managed and that got me to where I am now. It was the freedom that everyone needs and sometimes I feel like she is missing out on it all. I just want her to get something here. Start off because right now I feel like I have to sort of pause my life a bit and help her along and I've done that so long that it's like, when is it going to be my time? It's so upsetting thinking that soon enough these guys aren't going to be around here anymore. They will be gone and doing the things they do and it's a good chance that I will never see them again. Or at least for a very long time. And what if by that point I don't have anything here anymore? What if they are the reason at points I love being in Calgary so much? I've already lost Dave, he left and changed and is now back in the Deer. I lost Jenny because to her I'm just a lying deceiving bitch and not worthy of her time. I've basically lost Tye because of the way life goes with rumors and weird situations and everything. John left and is basically no longer a part of my life so it's like, come on life. Stop giving me things and taking them away. It's not fair. It's like a kid in a pet store, you can play with the pets for a while but can't take them home. What's also weird is that the whole Katimavik thing no longer feels real at all. I look at pictures from it and of them in it now and there's not really that fond remembrance but more a question of how well I knew these people in the first place. Was I really myself? Because who I am now is nothing close to the person I was during that all. Or at least that's how it feels now. It's like that part of my life which isn't that far in the past has just been erased from my life and now no longer exists. I'm stepping back into my life roughly where I stopped in the first place. Maybe that's what's making it seem this way. I don't know, I just have so many thoughts going on right now. Where is my life taking me and should I start working on a plan or keep on keepin on?
Oh and I miss my bike like something fierce. I miss that part of me and I feel like I'm losing it. I want to go rip and go on these bike rides and feel like I'm part of something again. But instead I'm on my two feet and craving the freedom of busy roads and epic rips.
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