Where'd you go?

I can't breathe. It feels like my throat is closing. I can feel the panic setting in. My heart is racing. My hands are tingling. My arms are going numb. Why do I care so much? Why now does this affect me?

And you are lovely tonight.

I want Joshua Radin to be my wedding song. Pretty much any of his songs.

His songs make me want to be in love.

Lovely Tonight

Does any of us really know where we belong or where we are going? Is everyone just as lost and torn about every choice in life? Life is short, so unbelievably short. Days blurr together and after a while years don't feel like that long anymore. So how do you know if you are on the right path or not? How do you know if you are doing what you are meant to do or if you made the right choice? It feels like you never know until you take the time to look back and break down your life and by that time its too late and the damage has been done. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I belong or where this path in life will bring me. I don't know what I want right now or even what I want tomorrow. I don't know what I will want a year down the road or even the person I will be a year from today. I don't know what life will bring for me or if I will look back on my life and count my regrets. I don't know if the choices I make now are choices that will haunt me forever but at least I know that I am trying. I am doing something. I am taking chances and making choices. I am trying. I can fully admit that. At least I'm trying. And I'm scared. Scared out of my mind. I'm afraid of success. I am afraid of failure. I'm afraid of where this will bring me. I'm afraid what this will cross out. I'm afraid of what I will miss out on. I'm afraid of what it will lay out ahead of me. But isn't that life? And I'm trying and I will keep trying. I'm exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I don't remember a time that I was this emotional but when I go to bed at night I can heartfully say that I'm giving it what I can and I'm working towards something. At least I'm trying. And that's all anyone can ask of me.

Hold Tight.

Someone come clean my room.



It's like a train wreck in here and I can't seem to find the energy to do anything except read tfln and watch Grey's Anatomy.

Song for noone.

I'm afraid to admit this but, I think I'm falling for the memories of you.

American Cunt

And on day 7 I crashed.

But read that in the voice of the guy from the Teenagers in the song Homecoming.

Cutes

Somehow I'm leading someone else's life I cut a star down with my knife And right now I still see the way the moon Plays this tune Though our lights died. My hands shake My knees quake It's every day The same way. Cos then came you. Then there's you. I keep your picture In my worn through shoes. Then there's you. Then came you. When I'm lost, I look at my picture of you. And somehow I'll make tonight our own I'll show you every way I've grown Since I met you And right now I'll be the boy in your next song I'll learn the parts and play along If you let me. My hands shake My knees quake It's every day The same way. Cos then came you.Then there's you. I keep your picture In my worn through shoes. Then there's you. Then came you. When I'm lost, I look at my picture of you. If you let me, I'll show the world to you. Yes, if you let me, I'll know just what to do. Cos then came you. Then there's you. I keep your picture In my worn through shoes. When I'm lost In your eyes I see the way for me

Raindrops.

"You were like coming up for fresh air. It was like I was drowing and you saved me. That's all I know."

Keep your memories warm.

Oh wowza, so much change is happening lately and I couldn't be any happier.
Things are seriously falling into place and it's about time.
I love my job.
I love the girls I work with.
I love my friends.
I love my future plans.
I love whats happening to me.
I love this city.
Le sigh, even through all the drama I can still look on the bright side and put a huge smile on my face.
I can't believe it's all happening now. I hope these next 4 months fly by.
So much to do, so much to do. I couldn't be any more excited or any more nervous. But good nervous.
Oh and I talked to him again. It felt so natural for him to call me at 2 in the morning and for us to talk for almost 3 hours.
I mean, it should be awkward but it's not in the slightest and that makes me really happy.
I guess like the song goes 'it's funny what you miss, it's funny what you don't'.

Oh and get yo dick on dances and free crave cupcakes. I could see this working out perfectly for me.
Like she said, it's meant to be.

Too young.

It stared off with me just wanting to know that he was okay. I just needed to make sure he was fine and doing good. That life was going his way, that he was happy now. That his life was on track or on the way of getting there. But, now.. I'm not too sure. I feel different. I think he made me stop and look at my life in perspective. I can't remember who I was then. I don't remember that Lisa. That naive, innocent, honest and pure Lisa. It's so unreal how 2 years can change a person. 2 years, yet some days it feels like yesterday. Just talking to him today made it feel like just yesterday. It felt like it was completely normal to talk to him and it's not over a year we are catching up on. At least the beginning of the conversation. I don't know. I'm at a loss for words. I want so much just to go back to the way things were those days. Back when I had ambition. I wrote all the time and drew and painted and.. just created in general. Where did I lose that? That was what made me, well.. me. Now who am I? I want to go back to stupid puppy love and not know what it feels like to get my heart ripped out repeatidly. Back to cute innocence. Hand holding innocence. Cuddling on the c-train and being scared of the city. I don't know when I lost my fear. The city just feels like a playground to me, my own backyard. Nothing unusual and frightening. It doesn't seem that big anymore. I miss it feeling big, I feel like I've already conquoured this place. I want to go back before everyone started dying. Back to appreciate the precious moments with people. Cherish the connections. Say what needed to be said. I think all this death has made me bitter and harsh to the real world. It changed my outlook on life in a negative way. I want to go back and change the words I said. Take away the hurt and bitter resentment I left on him. I feel in a way responsbile for his life being the way it is now. I started him down that slippery slope. I just couldn't have imagined what I said to him could affect his life so much. Best friends he called us. Best friends who just walked out on the other ones life and wasn't to be heard of again. I guess I'm not that great of a best friend. I feel like a horrible person. Maybe I've waited too long. Maybe it's too late to make it feel okay again. I don't think he's okay, and well to be honest maybe I'm not okay either. Maybe we both arn't okay. On the phone I was all happy and giddy talking about life and what I've done and been up to and then the phone is placed to the side and I'm just overcome with feelings of guilt and shame. I mean, who have I become? I seriously need to sit down and figure my stuff out. Get real goals in life, go somwhere and become something. These goals of becoming a drunk and all this stuff arn't who I am. I feel like I've been given a second chance and so far I'm not doing too good at it. After Bryan died my life just sort of plummited. Since when did I have such a huge potty mouth? Since when did I smoke? Since when did I do drugs or approve of drugs or anything? I've become such a hyprocrite about that. I was the anti drug of high school. I stayed away and didn't talk to people because they did drugs. And now look at me, saying I want to develope a slight drug problem. That's not who I am. I lost myself bad. I don't know why it took this to figure it all out. Since when did I hide my emotions and was afriad of putting them out there? Is it so hard to tell someone that you miss them? Because it is a struggle for me. I think talking to him what exactly what I needed to get a wakeup call in life. I need to set alot of things straight with people. I need to get who I was back again. I think this is going to be my first goal. I need to make things right with him.

i tell others.

its okay. cause i hardly ever sleep alone.
so i guess the burn is on you.

moon man

I mean who doesnt want swine flu?
who i tell you?
who?
jesus, thaats who.
only jesus.
and are you jeuss?
i think not.
fuck you and your fucking free ice cream

sqeeeek

oh booo fucking whoooo
how about you cry and whine some more about your vagina constantly bleeding.
or let me know when you relalize a good thing when it hits you in face.
if not bleed somewhere else.

Don't forget.

Happy birthday babe, I can't belive I'm gonna make it to 21 and you didn't.
You'd be 22 today but you will always be that immature 20 year old in my heart.

Prime Time.

I miss the invisible bears. I miss the unicorn house of love. I miss ACAD. I miss glass class. I miss the huge boat. I miss grinding to Brittney Spears in Sev. I miss drinking on a week day at 2 in the afternoon. I miss watching porn in my living room. I miss my roommates walking in on watching porn in the living room. I miss Wednesday night Metal night. I miss the boys. I miss the girls. I miss midweek weekends. I miss Wilbur and the nameless cat. I miss the BackAlley and preBackally photoshoots. I miss the Vat. I miss trips to the Botanical Gardens. I miss MTV nights. I miss SNTC marathons. I miss the glowing hill. I miss blocked off KFC drivethroughs. I miss booter's fees. I miss week long visits. I miss cheesy notes left on my pillow. I miss trips to the park. I miss driving 2 hours just to dress up like a pirate. I miss dancing on the speakers. I miss playing dressup and our dressup closet. I miss girl nights. I miss drinking at OJs. I miss the French Maid. I miss late night drives from Red Deer to Calgary. I miss blaring Eve 6 and almost dying. I miss Canada Day at Princess Island Park. I miss my balcony. I miss my closet of belongings. I miss late night conversations. I miss all night conversations. I miss my best friend. I miss my friends. So give me a break if I don't know what I want. This is what I want.

Lump of sugar.

I don't feel right. Life right now feels off. Maybe it's because I called into work at then woke up at 1. That could be it. I don't do that anymore. That's not me. Maybe it's the fact that I was so out of it last night. My trains of thoughts were more like a train wreck. Piles and piles of rubble and self destructing thoughts.

I fell asleep feeling off, just like I do now. My room didn't feel right. Too big, too dark, too.. something. I felt like a there was a spotlight on me playing up exactly how out of place I felt. Every creek sounding like someone behind me. Normal household sounds warped into warning calls telling me that someone was coming. I couldn't tell you exactly when I fell asleep but it wouldn't have mattered because those feelings continued on. Daydreaming into nightmares that I couldn't be scared over. I don't think that could make sense to anyone but me. A nightmare without any fear. But it's true, I think I lost that sense of fear. My dreams filled with images of a movie set which is ironic alone because my first thought in this house is that it feels like it should be in a movie. The actors pan out, play their roles and then everything becomes a mess. Someone on set isn't right. A murderer, a killer, a stalker... A day in the set becomes a day of hell when pictures of the girl sleeping appear. A little too out of place, a little too close for comfort. He has been stalking her, watching her every move and waiting for the moment. The angles are discouraging. Something feels a little too real but I can't be afraid. I remember before bed laughing to myself thinking this is my life. Haha, this is my life.

I'm sure I'm right about you. I've got it all figured out. I was right, but then again I don't know why that surprises me. I am always right. I guess I was just holding out. Reaching for that small glimmer of hope. I miss how it was. How it used to be. Things were different then, better by far and innocent. That innocence is lost. It's been gone for a while now. Everythings been gone for a while now. Except I am still left standing here, naive, holding on. Holding out. Waiting for the day that everything will magically become the way it was. But like I've stated. It's gone. Long gone and I look stupid waiting for something that will never happen. It could have been something, something... I don't know. It just could have been SOMETHING. But I don't cross your mind until the alcohol sets in or the loneliness sets it. It's not the same. It's not the same.

Powerlines.

I'm a relationship person. I know that. I've known that for a long time but I wish deep down that I wasn't. I want to be okay being alone. Okay with just something casual, something that I know won't lead anywhere and nothing will come of it. A summer fling, a toss aside... I don't know. Something. But there will always be that burning desire to make that simple something into something more complicated. Couples frustrate me because I know that's what I don't have. I don't have someone to hold hands in the grocery store with. I don't have someone who wants to go for walks or be seen in public even. I don't have someone to go for breakfast with and hold hands over the table. Yet I see these people and these couples every day and I hate them for the simple fact that they have what I want. They have what I don't have.

bonjourrrr!

Sundy, sundy sundy. Interesting day that's for sure. Sunday= day of revelations, realizations and epiphanies. Which pretty much are all the same thing but I just wanted to sound SUPER SMART! So where to start, hmmm.

I think I stopped giving a shit. About life in general really. About all the things I used to care about or stress about. Some time last week when I had one of my awesome freakout sesh's where I paniced to the point that I was bawling and couldn't catch my breath I must have snapped and hit an off switch somewhere. Because now I'm just going with the flow. I could care less if you don't feel the need to text me back. So what, you say you are going to come for the weekend and ditch. Who cares that I don't talk to you all day and I'm sure I know exactly what you want from me. That's life. I'm not gonna fret over the smallest details anymore.

So party Lisa wants to come out. I think it's about time. I decided that it's totally normal to want to go to college just so I can get fully loaded and almost flunk out right? I'm pretty positive that is the main reason people go to college in the first place. Education can't be that important. Well, lol that sounds stupid but people go, get shitter'd all the time, sleep around and bust there asses so they have the most wicked memories to look back on. I need to start a story with "So my first college threesome.." or something around those lines. Again that sounds horrible but I'm being honest. I just want to have a slight alcholism problem again, not being sort of tipsy off a beer. I think textsfromlastnight is just a horrible horrible influential site. I read all the texts and I'm just like I COULD BE THAT GIRL! I mean I am in my prime years, I should be getting drunk and using up the best parts of my liver. I don't need it right now anways right?

On that note, it's totally legit to want to sleep with your ex's and such again right? You know, just for like old times sake? Just one more time for the books. Haha or so I can compare to what it was like before. Like a chance to redeem themselves? Holey ego, but really I've had so much bad sex that it's almost like I never gave them a chance in hell of going anywhere with it. I could have seriously bruised some egos.

I can't beleive I just wrote this all down, hahaha. My life is such a joke.

I hear it every day.

I think the title of this blog should be things that are awesome about today. And go:

1. Waking up and finding out your toothbrush is missing. Aweome and also creepy. I don't know who wants to use my dirty old toothbrush or what kind of kicks they get by doing whatever they are doing with it but not cool. NOT COOL!
2. Getting threatened for the second time this week to get fired. Both for things that I wasn't even doing. This one has to be pushing for the favourite position. First you cut my hours, then tell me I'm slacking at my job. Hmmm I wonder why, maybe because I have no motivation because I never know when I'm gonna work next or even where I'm gonna work. I'm so over Nellie's.
3. Random creepy 40 year old guy currently lurking around my house. You do not live here so why are you here and NEVER LEAVE? Oh and I really greatly enjoy the fact that you think it's okay to use my stuff in the bathroom. Trust me, I love throwing away 10$ on my shampoo, another 10$ on my conditioner and then 3$ for each bar of soap just so you can use it. Please, go right ahead. Not only are you freeloading but also directly wasting my money so that makes my day just right up there. I bet you have something to do with my toothbrush too. And the toothpaste on the toilet seat, counter and wall. Because I know when I brush my teeth I have a hard time not getting it everywhere. At least try to be discrete about it when you are clearly using things that aren't yours.
   

That is all for now. I can feel more coming though.

Like maybe. uh huh.

And then I went TO TOWN on that pussy.




Hahaha, don't even ask.

Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.

Oh gosh, textsfromlastnight.com makes my entire life.
It also makes me want to be come a slight alchoholic again.
Bad thing? I'm not sure.

This I won't.

I'm torn. I'm confused. I'm lost and uncertain but I'm not unhappy. Not today. I've figured out some thing. Answered some questions that were tumbling around in my head. Easy solutions that were kind of right in front of me that whole time. I don't want to work at Cosmic anymore. I don't think I can handle it for a number of reasons. I can't be at a job where I'm constantly zoning out and glaring. I can't do it, that's not me. Or at least not the person I want to be. I can't deal with being yelled at for no reason and going home bitter and angry. It's just not worth it to me. I can't do it. I'm not an angry person. That job makes me one. I don't want to be on the patio and glare across the street. I'm not that person. So I think I may be done there. I'm gonna talk to someone about it and see if I can purely work at Little and then maybe move down to part time and get another job. I'll need the extra cash. I need it right now anyways. I can't even think to write right now. Maybe I'll try this again tomorrow.

Smiles at the moon

I want to be mature and grounded. I want a constant schedule and routine. I want to start my mornings on a high note and having tons accomplished not just dragging myself out of bed and to work every morning. I want to learn french. I want to go for a run or do yoga every morning. I want to organize my life a little better, shop a little bitter and know my money situation a little better. I want to know that each day I'm working towards something better and that I'm always one step ahead of myself. I want to start a compost and get a legit recycling thing for this house. I want to make the kitchen usable and then use it way more often. I want to get cool jars and containers to keep my food in. I want to eat healthier and better. I defiantly need a second job and to figure out how to get my money and such in order. How much I need to survive, what can go to what?

What day is it anyways?

Things are looking up but I still miss you.
What's up with that?

Coffee shop blues.

So I'm allergic to something around me. I don't know what it is but I know that I'm allergic. My head feels like it's about a hundred pounds and I can hardly breathe. Which is weird saying I never have allergic reactions to anything. But yet here I am, being super trendy sitting in Starbucks and I can't stop sneezing. I should just go home but I'm addicted to the stability of the Internet and the feeling of being out and about in the city. I should go home. But I can't. I came here with all the good intentions I could muster up. I was set on figuring out where I'm going but now that I'm here and have exhausted my resources I'm not sure where this path leads. I feel like I haven't gotten any further then I was when I first sat down. It's a shame. I think I'm afriad of taking the next step so I'd rather feel lost and hopeless. The way I look gets in the way of what I want. Or at least I let it. If I only looked like everyone else then I could get to where I want to be. At least in my mind the seems to be true. I just can't allow myself to get dressed in the morning and blend into everyone else. A blend of pattern, how ironic. I'm just forcing myself too much, obviously I'm not ready for where I need to be. It's just one step at a time, work at one thing that makes me happy and then move onto the next. I don't know where I'm going with that.

That's life.

Last night I was thinking, all I wanted was for things to stay exactly the same. I didn't want more time. I didn't want you to change the way you were or for me to change the way I was. I didn't want any more or less of anything to be honest. All I wanted was to know that you were mine and mine only. That you felt the same way I did. That's all I wanted. But life has a way of complicating such simple things and changing them into some convoluted mess, where words have different meanings and true intentions don't come across. I'm done fretting over it. Everything happens for a reason. I think I know this one.

You'd Rather Run

Run your fingers through your hair
Let's pick up from where we left off
Call all your friends, announce the new victory
Once you were sweet to me, knock it off

The music doesn't move you, doesn't soothe you
Doesn't prove you're worth a dime
You work 'round the clock, watch it tick and tock
But this isn't your time
Move over son, it's my turn to shine

Was there ever a moment
One small slice in history
When I took you seriously?
When your belt and your shoes
Did not announce your poor taste so fearlessly?
'Cause that's news to me

And you can forget it, I get it
I just don't let it get to me
I regret to inform I do not fret or mourn
The way things used to be
It's all in the past now, it's all gone

And the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away

The songs he writes are for "dad"
The true love lost 'fore he ever had
If stories begun "If father loved son"
We wouldn't be feelin' so bad
But doesn't everyone?

And it's not that I hate you
I never loved you enough to hate you
To get even or mad so as not to seem sad
Just seems ungrateful
'Cause really, I am thankful I'm sad

Maybe we're the same unabashed and unashamed
Then again, I dunno where you came from
You keep carvin' out names
First Jamie then James
And I can't keep up to restrain you
How come?

We two came together for worst and for better
It's true
And the weather is clever
But she's not the only one getting over you
It's me, too

And the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away

My god, it's no fun to watch you play dumb
With your ugly hand on her thigh
And she's nervous too, but politeness eschews
The impulse to finger deny
Plus, your girlfriend's a spy

And what would she think to look up from her drink
And find you in your sad little vest tryin' hard to undress
The girls you sat down next to?
She'll think nothing
She'll be thinking of you

I'm glad I don't know the places you go
I'm glad for you and for them
Let's be discreet if we are to meet on Ludlow ever again
Don't mention Ben

It's funny what you miss, it's funny what you don't
I've thought it all through, the potential to fondly reminisce is this:
I won't

And the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away

Don't say we got along
That's remarkably wrong
It doesn't suggest or imply
The thing about us you don't dare discuss
We never got along famously, we just tried

I tried to be good, I tried to be gracious and kind
But working with you has done nothing but prove a total waste of time
'Cause the real curse is your mind

Sometimes at night I stare at the ceiling
And wonder what's wrong with me
To involve myself with people
Who don't know what my true feeling might possibly be

Who latch onto my strength like it's all they've got
It takes all of my strengths
And I go through such lengths
To show them it is not what they think they are stealing

And the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away

Yes, the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away

I'll just sing with the birds.

I wish I knew more about what dreams mean. I've always wanted to get a dream journal and write down my dreams when I wake up but when it comes down to it I think I'm just too lazy. Or maybe I don't really want to know what they mean. I can assume and that freaks me out enough. It's just so fascinating the fact that your subconscious can interpret things and form them into these bizarre images and situations. Either way, my dreams this morning put me in the worst kind of mood. It could be cause I slept in and didn't go to work today. But I deserve a day off, I have things do go. I have to get my stuff together. Who knows when I could be leaving. Maybe I'll apply to college.

No words.

I sacrifice so much of myself. And for what? Some momentary flash of happiness. Something to build up the expectations and the emotions just to have them all crash back down again. He made this feel like home and now that's all gone. I don't think I want to be around here anymore. Even my bed feels too big.