BJW

Sometimes I'm afriad nobody will feel the way about me like he did.


But we were young and I'm fantasizing the way it was.

Girl

I don't understand, since when did I have this many girl feelings. Well actually that's a lie but I don't know what happeened and made me deny them. I guess it's hard. I mean, I don't want to ruin things or come across bad, or.. something. I'm not even too sure. That's just who we are here I guess, you can go on and have your emotions and I'm supposed to deny them and act like it's gross and make fun of you. But it's silly because right now I'm just all consumed in them right now. I want to just scream it to everyone I know. Yell it in your face. Because when you are not around it doesn't feel right. And when your not alright I worry all the time and I'm not alright. When you don't talk I assume the worst and it is the worst feeling ever because I don't know what I'd do without you around. And it hasn't even been that long but I guess it was a long time coming and it's been there for a while. I guess, I guess I just denied it. But I don't want to anymore, I'm just scared they are going to scare you away.

material girl

I have things to do, for myself. I can't sit around and wait for you to grow up. I can't hold your hand and tell you what's the difference between right and wrong. Acceptable and disrespectful. These are life lessons I'm sure you've stumbled upon more then a time or two. But you turn a blind eye, playing the card of naivety and innocence. As if anything you do ever has a consequence. Or that anything you do could ever be riddled with bad intention. Personal gain with no thought to the people's feeling you sweep carelessly under the rug. I've watched you toy with emotions as if it's just some sort of game to you. Hurt people, good people who would keep you close if only you gave them a reason to. You put me in a place where I had to be as conniving as you. Keeping your secrets a secret from people that mean things to me. Forcing me to be perceived and viewed at the same level as you because as the saying goes "That's what best friends do".

Echo train.

Let's make grown up decisions and do grown up things. Then at the end of the day you can go home and pretend your life is better off without me.

Nowhere near your heart.

Dear you,
There are so many things I want to say to you right now. Instead I'm writing this. So I guess you can say we are similar that way. I wish I could understand you. Or you me. It's complex. I know you would laugh after I said that, for oh, the hundredth time. But instead you are pulling away, pushing me away. But like I said, it's complex. You made me push the limits, made me question why I stopped things, why I do the things I do. You made me want to be a better person. To live for more then nights out and bottles of happiness. I don't think you could see through that though. You intimidate me. You asked why I'm reserved, that's why. I'm nervous around you. I can't make the words come out right and more then anything I wanted them to be right so we could be right. I guess. I don't even know right now. I miss floating. But I was never a good swimmer so it's expected that I would just sink. I can't even find the words right now. I want to blush when people bring up your name, not resentment. It was that way. You wouldn't know. I want to feel cute again and twirl and giggle. Lay next to you and giggle. But it's really over with before it even began. I don't know how to like you from a distance, so the only other option is just to let you go. We could have been something but you just never left the option open. It's sad living in the past. Dwelling on the feelings. It's hard when you can't accept that what's over is over. That people come and go from your life. But seasons change. I wish you could change with them. God, I wish you could just take a chance. Maybe just one on me, because I know I could and would try so hard to make you happy. So goodbye friendly giant. Goodbye big boy cuddles.
Love me.

hide and seek

Uncertainty,
So I'll take off another layer.





Maybe you'll like me then.

Corks and curry.

You make me smile. But I'm frail and small and broken. And all the pieces arn't there and some are a little too worn down to fit. I'm scared that even if I try real hard to glue it all together, to pick it up and lay it down that even then I'll still be too frail and broken beyond repair. But my hands feel small inside yours and your head feels real nice against mine. And I want to give without instantly pulling back and pulling away. I want to cave in and float away but I'm heavy in the heart and in the head and afraid that if I let it out you won't like what you see and I'll just float away. Alone. What I'm trying to say is, why can't I just give into you? To make a move and not be afraid. That I'm too broken and used. That I'm not who you think I am. That you'll reject me. That I'm not good enough. That I don't know what I'm doing or how to do this.

And it's too late for wanting.

Sometimes I wonder, let's just fall in love and be together.

Biology

And that's the thing, I'm a mess. And not a hot mess, a legit mess. I change my clothes at least 2 times a day because I can't even figure out an outfit enough for who I want to be. Who I should be. And I change my mind constantly and have fits of irrational thoughts, like if I am good enough or who will I become? And maybe half the time I'm just in for the trill of the chase. Out to prove to myself that I can get what I want and then after that, well, then what? And I don't have the answers to that because all that running has taken away my breath. And my boyfriend died and I'm easily attatched. But not to you but as who you could be, maybe by chance if you were him. Because I'm still grieving and taking it day by day and I never thought I could ever love again. And maybe it's forced feelings or my raging hormones that are attracting me to everyone and anything. But desires take over and as a species we aren't meant to be alone. So maybe this is all a great deal harder then I thought it was going to be, this whole growing up and living deal.

Today

Guilt is like white noise, grinding away at your ear drums.
You know, the sound that will eventually fade into background noise.
But for now it drones on, causing a headache even the strongest advil can't chase.

Lie, lie.

When it comes down to it, you are not going to like me for who I am. You are going on believing in the person you think I am. First impressions. Wrong impressions. The truth is, I'm always broke. I have nothing to show for the work I do. I live pay cheque to pay cheque with nothing to show in between. I spend my money on momentary happiness with compete disregard for the future. I function off caffeine and nicotine and I don't try to hide it. I go through extended periods where I just don't eat. Maybe I'll snack on this or that. Maybe I will forget. But mostly I just can't afford it. You could understand, or you could think I'm crazy. But you won't like it either way. I have two levels to me, or perhaps two sides. Too loud or too quiet. There is no inbetween. I'm always trying to fill the silence or fall into it. So I can't hide my emotions. Neither can my face. It says it all, no matter how hard I conseal it.

One mistake

If I take my vitamins and smoke alot that's almost the same as eating right?
Right..?

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday

Memories run deep. Deeper then the slivers of dead cells of which at moments like these I pick at constantly.
Sleep is the first and last thing on my mind.
Channel surfing through memories preventing me from the comfort and consolation of a restful state.
My bed is a pool of memories and I'm not ready to dive in yet.

Voicemails

I met him on a Monday, or that's how the songs always go. Truth is, it was probably a Saturday, just like any other Saturday really. I didn't know he was going to change my life. But do you ever really know? All I knew was there was a crazy magnetic attraction to him and I had to find out why. It was like for a moment things had aligned and I almost had it all. Didn't we almost have it all? He always left me with just a little bit more longing. Like when you are so close to the finish line and know if you push a little further you can take it. Just a little bit further, just a little bit more. It was as if I couldn't get enough of him. He was my drug of choice, but always just a little out of reach leaving me constantly fiending. There wasn't enough moments, seconds, hours in a day. There was never enough hellos and goodnights. There could never had been enough phone calls, pick me ups, car drives and text messages. I could get lost in the delicate seconds falling away behind us. Hearing him laugh, watching him move, breathing him in. He never knew this, I don't think I was strong enough to tell him. To connect feelings to words and let it soak into the universe. He made me want to be better. To do better. To push forward and never give up. Just never give up. He wouldn't let me. He wouldn't let me be down or turn into myself. He was there unconditionally, telling it like it was. Giving me what I needed, not what I needed to hear. He was the light in every room. The single ray of sunshine fighting through on the rainest of days. He never needed to be anything other then himself. He never had to put on an act, to hide how he felt. He didn't need liquid confidence or to be life of the party. It came naturally. He made life a better place. He kept me in place and on pace.He was mine and he left too soon. So I turned inward. I turned to the places where I could drown out my thoughts and numb my feelings. I turned to affection without attatchment. To a life a little more lost then me. Falling apart to bottle of rye and gin. To cases of liquid confidence and liquid courage. Liquid courage letting me face the world, transforming it into less of a bleak face. Turned to nights with memory loss so it wouldn't be that bad that I was forgetting the sound of his voice or the feel of his skin. Trying to hard to be the life of the party, to be the light in the life. Like he would have been. But it's tiring trying to fill that void and try to take over in his memory. I would have stopped the world for him so we could have a neverending moment together. I would have been the person he wanted me to be. Be there for him on the darkest days. I would have woke up every morning with a smile because I knew he had been up already watching me sleep. That's all he needed, to watch me in my sleep. I was done. I didn't want anyone else. There was no point looking because there was nothing better out there. Maybe there isn't anything better out there. But as the saying goes, the good die young. I think the good part of me died too.

Sunshine or Rainrainrain

The city lights that would blind some people is what keeps me alive. They tell me to push harder. Move forward. Petal faster and get stronger. The wind on my face and my tires beating down on the pavement is my freedom. The escape from the memories of thousands of yesterdays and the questions after question of unexpected tomorrows. But maybe that's just me, living the day-to-day dream.

Please, please, please be good to me.

I'm not in love with you anymore. I've mourned. I've cried. I've moved away and came back. I've done some growing; some healing. I can look back and smile at the memories we had. And laugh at the hardship. In the end it makes me stronger. I'll still think of you time to time. I'll still miss you from time to time. And you better believe I'll wonder what could have been. But I can say that I'm done and it's over with. Now it's time to do it all again. To collect the pieces. To mend the wounds and to pack up my pride and start along the road again. It won't be easy, some days I know I'm going to dread the fact I sleep in your bed. Some nights I'm just going to lie up and stare at your transformer toy and think about the nights where we laid wrapped up in each other. I can look back now and know that what we had is not what we had in my mind. I was blindsided. I was under a rose covered haze. It was what it was. I was awkward around you. You made me nervous. Even at the end, you made me nervous. I couldn't tell you why. I could make assumptions and lay down theories but it's the past now. Let's just call it nerves and leave it at that. I don't think you were ever mine. Not in a real sense. I was something you dabbled in to keep your mind and body preoccupied. I was something that was already there and already in reach. So you took away more then I had to offer. The truth is, I'm not expecting you to meet up with me. I'm not expecting you to be the mature one and sit down with me. Perchance we would wander onto the topic of "us" and you would have to feel guilt for a change. Or even feel anything for a change. You left me feeling hurt and vulnerable. You left me as a shell of who I once was. I've tried to fill it up with nicotine and alchohol but now it's time to call and end to that and really close it off. To cut the ties and let loose. I need to let go of the hope that maybe, just maybe, you had meant a single word of what you said that night. I need to forget the possibility that I crossed your mind even once during your trip. Realize that things end, people change and time can heal most wounds. So then maybe when I hear people happy in relationships I won't be consumed with anger and jealousy because I'll be happy with where I am once again.

This is the day everything changes.

Washing the puke off my tights. Goodbye summer o'ten. I'll miss you.

Wait for the year to drown

Life's sort of funny. It's like walking down familiar streets and ending up in a part of the city you've never been before. It suddenly changes from familiar into something new. And you're not too sure if you should be scared or venture in further. Because everything you do is a risk. You risk what is possible to come and you risk not taking the chance on something new. Every day it's a choice you make. Do you let your life linger in the past or do you wander aimlessly into the future. You just have to judge what's best in each situation. What you on your own are willing to risk and for what outcome. Sometimes I get stuck in the past. I like familiar settings. I like knowing that when I go to a set place I will see certain people there. I like my belongings to be in a set place. I like my people to be in a set place and I like my feelings to be in a set place. But you see, life does not like to follow these rules. It likes to pick up people and scatter them about. Taking emotions and placing them upon people and places without questioning you beforehand. I want to stand up and say I'm in control of my own life but truth is, who is really? I want to say goodbye to the past and walk heads up in the future but a part of me will always be stuck there. I miss more then I look forward to. I live in my memories. I live in past feelings and past places. Maybe it's because right now my future is day to day. Get up, go to work, clean, bed. Get up, go to work, get drunk. Get up.. go to work.. get up.. go.. get.. go. Over and over. What really do I have to look forward to? Sometimes I wonder what I have to offer people? I look at my situation. The life I lead and it all makes sense why I'm single. I wonder if I would really want to be a part of all of this if it wasn't my choice.
"One smoke is never enough and the drinks go down too easy."
Let's be real for a second. I'm glad for where I am. I'm so greatful to who I have in my life and where I have got so far in life. But there are so many things missing. I hide my feeling behind beer googles and laugh off life instead of facing problems head on. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of not being good enough and letting people down. It's so easy to just put it aside and act like there isn't a worry in the world. But the nights come when all I want is someone to lay beside me and be proud of me. I guess what I'm trying to say is, well. You left me behind. You went ahead in life. You followed your dreams, you followed your plans and you left me behind wondering every day if you're going to be okay and where you are. You left me behind and took a part of me with you. You left as the person I thought could fill that mold. You left as the guy that I would settle for. The guy that I thought was different from the others. You left. And now you are back. Back in my city. Your city. And it's raining because it's always raining when things happen. It's like the city is crying for me because I can't myself. Because deep down I don't know how I should feel. Maybe I put a little too much of myself on you. Maybe I had too much expectations or cared too much. Or maybe you realized what I'm realzing. That I just don't really have too much to offer. Or maybe it's just really over and I'm coming to terms with that.

11 St SW

I'm sorry I don't fit your mold but I'd rather stand for something.

Go-getter.

It's Saturday night. My room is a mess. There are crumbs all over my bed and I am alone. Alone with my thoughts and Sufjan Stevens. But, I think maybe I'm okay with this all. I think this is what I need. I need to wake up and look around. Realize that I need to start doing something. I need to start somewhere and get to somewhere else. I need a path. A goal. Anything. I need something other then nights filled with bruises and heartache. I don't know where to start but I think it's about time to figure it out. I don't know where to start or where I'm going to end up. But tonight, tonight I'm starting something. At least that's what I tell myself.