Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing

And maybe I'm a little drunk. And maybe I'm a little bit scared of life. Scared of the future. What my life has in store for me. Maybe I don't know where I'm going or what path I'll take. What I'll stand for. But maybe I'll just stand for you, sweetheart. And the truth is I can't sleep without you. I can't think without you around. And I want to stand on my own two feet. I want to see the world with my chin held high. But the sad songs play and once again there's your face and those words and I can't help but to wonder and to worry. What if, what is to come? What would hav happened. But once again you are just another random connection of words on a page spelling out the events that never played out and the future I never had. The truth is, well, the truth is I miss you. I want to say more then anything that I don't. I want to smile and laugh and not to think that I'll come home to you and we will laugh it out and fall asleep in each others arms. I hung out with her tonight, I could see what you saw in her. I think maybe I saw a little in me too. Is that what you saw in the next? Something more then me? Do you miss me darling? Do you?

I wish the way I dress was your favourite kind of style

So I went to that party everyone they were kind of arty.
And I was wearing this dress 'cause I wanted to impress
But I wasn't sure if I look my best 'cause I was so nervous
But I carried on regardless strutting through each room
trying to find you

And when I saw you kissing that girl
My heart, it shattered
and my eyes, they watered
and when I tried to speak I stu-uttered

And my friends were like "Whatever, you'll find someone better,
his eyes are way too close together
and we never even liked him from the start.

And now he's with that tart,and I heard she'd done some really nasty stuff
down in the park with Michael.
He said she's easy and if your guys with someone that's sleazy
then he ain't worth your time cause you deserve a real nice guy

So I proceeded to get drunk and to cry
I locked myself in the toilets for the entire night

Rest your head.

Just talk to me. Oh god, please just talk to me. Let's pretend everything is okay. That nothing happened. Come sleep in my bed and be the big spoon and shove me over when I'm sleeping. Talk to me. Make me laugh and then tell me how halarious you are, because you know it. Push me around, play fight me. Kiss me with everything in you and then push me away. Just do anything but this right now because at the end of the day when everything is said and done I just miss you. You don't want to miss me and I don't want to miss you, so why are we doing this to ourselves right now when we can take the time we have left and just be happy. Because I know you make me happy, and I'm sure you make me happy too. Or maybe I'm just a girl about this all and it was what it was and it ended. Why is this ending exactly the same as every other thing ends?

Never Believed

I guess when you think about it, I have lead a really rough and tough sort of life. I didn't have the normal functioning family. I didn't have trust funds and a rational upbringing. I grew up in Red Deer, where it was the norm to have some sorr tof dysfunction around you. Where it was okay that you became acquaintances with the retard kids, or some would say friends with them. You live life rough. But until tonight I didn't really realize how out of the norm is is. When it comes down to it I like to believe I lived a normal life, never really scooping too deep into the back stories of things. I'd go along with the stories as if I had lived them myself but only knowing them from stories past on from another to myself. Truth is, I guess I've always sort of lived the ghetto life. I've never had a sense of stability or knowing what would come at you when. We lived in the moment, day by day and survived the best we could. I never grew up with any sense of responsibility or expectations because everyone had there own things to deal with and work around. Everyone was just doing the best they could in the situation and however they knew how. So your 14 year old daughter gets pregnant, what can you do other then support her? And now she has a 4 year old daughter and wants to party every night? If she comes home and looks after her and is good with her then why should I stop here. And if she decides at 12 then she wants to leave here there and pretend she has a normal life then what else can she do but take me in and raise as her own. I mean, I guess I have respect because of that. I learned how to live the rough way. Being able to keep on even when the situations drop and things might not have a white light in sight. Because in the end you know, you just know that there has been worse times, there will be more worse times but in the end it's worth it. It's worth it because you will have moments where you just forget that you're scumming it. Forget that you don't have much and that people look down on you and just enjoy it. Live in the moments where you are laughing so hard that you forget what you are laughing at and continue anyways. Times where you look around and say yeah, I live here and I love it. Yeah, this is my life and I'm happy. I wake up with a smile on my face and if you're not okay with that then why does it matter? You would do so much just to be able to say the same. And that made me realize that it's okay that you want your space. That you don't want to get attached because as much as you don't realize it we all are. We are all connected in a way that as much as we may fight it we will all need each other again. It's a bond that can't be broken. As much as you want to fight it I be live time brings people together and we will meet again. And share moments again and if not then I'll adapt. I'll find more people like this. I will connect and make bonds with other people and I will be fine. I will be happy and content and you will regret not taking the chances when you wanted to. Because like I said, some people come into your life for a reason. And as lame as it seems, there is no reason why we shouldn't.

I hang my clothes up on the line.

It's hard to get respect when you have BEER TIME across your knuckles. Fun fact of the day.

Also, what did I do? Why couldn't I just let it be the way it was?

Also, also the house looks great and I don't want Kendal to move out.

corbeau

I've been up for about an hour. Nobody else is home. I think I lost my smokes. Or someone stole them. I'm hoping for the first one and I was just drunk and lost them somewhere. I'm covered in bruises and my knees are bloody. I vaguely remember how. I think I tried to parkour something and fall. Maybe a bottle of wine to myself is not the best idea. But who would know at the time? Also body suits and drinking probably are not the best idea, I'm pretty sure I squatted in the bushes with Stacy.. maybe pulled down my body suit and peed. Ran around the liquor store like we were crazy and high fived this guy, maybe. I think he gave me something, haha I guess I will find out. Oh and having a trampoline is just a horrible idea. Even more when you are drunk. Or it's a great idea. I'm not sure. Katherine and Devon came for a bit. Don't remember much of that. Haha. Also, see I'm a classy lady Aaron slept over in my bed and nothing happened. You know why? Because I've changed. And even though you tell me you pretty much are done, I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. So if that's not grown up then I don't know what is. Also please please please tell me I didn't lose my ID, SIN card and bank card. Because I'm pretty sure I cried over losing it and if it's not gone I'm going to look like such a cock. Also, falling asleep to head massages is the best. Oh life.

Haha, oh and somewhere in there I smashed some glass in the balcony door and ate half of a pb&j tubby dog. Lifeeee!

This is the girl who won't settle down,

But I would for you.

High hopes, high losses.

I smoke too much and drink too much. I can't keep anything in, even worse when I drink. My feelings run rampant and are far too much to keep under control. I will always and forever be in love with Grey's Anatomy and relate everyone in my life to a character off the show. I miss my Christina and she doesn't even know what that means. I fall in love or lust with everyone I meet. But not real love, at least I don't really know. More then anything I want to love and be loved in return. I'm not the girl that you can bring home to mom, the one you want to commit to and show off. I'll never be the girl that everyone loves automatically, there will always be a warm up time and people that just don't like what I stand for. Sometimes I don't like what I stand for. I listen to songs that make me upset because they also help me remember. If I could I'd live in my memories, so I could replay the moments of my life over and over. I get easily attached, although nobody would know that. I come off like I don't need anyone, like I have no care in the world but I'm the biggest worry wort I know. I'm a sucker for things that are 100% girlie but once again you would never know. Almost every day I wish I could be one of those put together people, but at the end of the day I'll always just be me. I have a hard time sleeping by myself. I'm just not used to be being alone. I hate not having my bike and feeling like I'm trapped in one place for too long. I have a love hate relationship with change. I hate when it happens without my control, but my life and who I am is always a work in progress. I'm constantly torn between the two different parts of me. As such, I'm way too accurately a Libra that it's bizarre. I wish I stood for something. I hope that when you leave it's a see you later not a goodbye. I can't do goodbyes, I'm such a flake at them. I don't want you to walk away from me.