comme des enfants

C'en est assez de ces dédoublements
C'est plus dure à faire, qu'autrement
Car sans rire c'est plus facile de rêver
A ce qu'on ne pourra, jamais plus toucher
On se prend la main, comme des enfants
Le bonheur aux lèvres, un peu naivement
Et on marche ensemble, d'un pas décidé
Alors que nos têtes nous crient de tout arrêter

Doomsday

Honestly I'm single why? I'm laying in bed watching porn on mute and listening to Atreyu. Catch? I think so.

FYI's & Fake Goodbyes.

Would have, could have, should have. But it's never me.

It's never me.

Yes, please.

Why hello sexy bike courier guy, you can totally check me out on my bike.

panties drop

"I'll be the perfect blowup doll for you baby. I'll do whatever you want."

No more 11:11

Lately all I've been doing is sitting, bitching and moaning over my life. Picking apart the smallest details of my life, like someone said this and then this happened. Boo hoo, my life is so hard. Honestly I need to snap out of it and get a little more positive. So on that note I think it's time to revist my list and kick the shit out of my negative whiney ass.

1. I can't even afford to make ends meet. That's a little far from the truth. Sure I don't have much but realy what do I need that much money for. I have food, I have rent, I can pay my bills. I'm set.
2. I don't know if I can afford to move. Well, already did lol.
3. How can I afford to leave for 6 months if I don't even have anything saved yet. Maybe I just won't go. Who knows what I can pull out. Maybe I'm just not meant to go.
4. What if I can't get a second job. I NEED a second job. Come on really, I'll get a job. Have you seen some people working places?
5. I don't know if I want to leave anymore. There's a reason to questioning. I still have time to decide.
6. What will I lose if I leave? What would I gain?
7. What will I miss out on? What would I miss out on if I didn't go?
8. I can't even speak basic french, how is this going to work? I can learn, really being surrounded by it is probably the best way to do it anyways.
9. What if I can't learn anything? What if I can't pick it up? I'm pretty sure thats impossible. Unless I'm totally retarded then I'll be fine.
10. I don't want to be alone on my birthday. Done and done and didn't happen.
11. I don't want to be let down on another birthday. I'll be 21 and I'm likely going to be alone. I wasn't alone because really the people that care were there and really what more can I ask for?
12. I've been single for 9 months. Which really isn't that long saying how many guys have I 'seen' in that time? Like.. 5.
13. I'll be single for a year and a half when I get back. Gross but not the end of the world. Traveling and being awesome it totally better then being tied down.
14. I'm tired of being alone all the time. That's just silly cause I'm hardly ever alone. I can remember when all I wanted was to be alone.
15. I'm tired of being the only person who reaches out for anyone. Then clearly they arn't worth my time. Any relationship works both ways.
16. I'm tired of being the only one trying. I think I've realized what's worth it and not worth it anymore.
17. I just want my 'friends' to get a hold of me. To want to hang out with me. Is that too much to ask? I know I may not see or talk to my friends that often but they are there when I need them and it matters.
18. Maybe they aren't even my friends. I don't even know. Maybe some arn't. But now I know and can rid them of my life.
19. I hate how all I do is work. I work and then I'm alone. But I love my job and it doesn't feel like work. And once I start on my plans it will all be worth it.
20. I'm tired of hearing and seeing people and their relationships when I have nobody. But I also can do whatever I want and not have to worry about anyone else. I have freedom.
21. What if when I leave I don't get along with anyone? Someone is gonna like me. I just have to put myself out there.
22. What if nobody likes me there and I don't enjoy it. Come on, that's just silly.
23. It's not like I'd have the money to just up and leave. Then I make the best of the situation and thing will look up.
24. Oh man, I'm crying at Starbucks. Hahaha, still.
25. Why can't anyone from Calgary want me around and miss me? I've been told people will miss me when and if I go. It's time to believe it.
26. I don't know what he wants from me. And now I do. And really I'm better then that.
27. I don't want to always wonder what it means. OR what I want OR what it could be. It can't be anything. It is what it is and can't be anything more. And is that what I want or need? No.
28. I don't want to think about OR miss OR want. I just want to be happy. And I am, I just don't realize it all the time.
29. I miss my best friend, but I guess we arn't best friends anymore. People change, go other ways and she couldn't be around because she is selfish in her own life. And really I don't want people in my life that only want me around to bring them up.
30. I wish I wasn't so easy to forget. And I'm not. Clearly I'm not if people keep coming back to me.
31. 4 months and it doesn't even matter to you. Once again, not worth it. You'll miss me but I'm not just going to forgive you. Goodbyes are easy, walking away is hard. You took the hard road.

one, two

We've been in the rain. We've been on the mountain. We've been round the fire. In fancy hotels. Drank water from farm wells. We sang with the choir. I kissed your dry lips. We jumped off the high cliffs. And splashed down below. Skin to skin. In the salty river. Made love in the shadow. Woooah ooh. Read books to each other. Read the mind of the other. Flew one thousand jets. We laughed and we cried. At movies and real life. In our ridiculous beds. We danced in the moonlight at midnight. We pressed against back doors and wooden floors. And you never faked it. And frequently. We ignored our love. But we could never mistake it. Oooh ooh. We met on the front porch. Fell in love on the phone. Without the physical wreck. You gave me the necklace. That used to hang. Around your mothers neck. We questioned religions. Fed bread to the pigeons. We learned how to pray. We stood by the ocean. Turned our hearts in to one. We laid in bed all day. Heeey. We skipped on the sidewalk. Skipped stones on the water. We skipped town. We've seen the sunrise with new eyes. We've seen the damage of gossip and true lies. We've seen the sun go down. Had passionate makeouts. And passionate freakouts. We built this world of our own. It was in the back of a taxi. When you told me you loved me. And that I wasn't alone.

You've got the love

I forgot who I am. I'm the girl who is absolutely in love with Halloween. That starts planning her costume the day after Halloween so it will be perfect for the next year. That would drop unlimited amounts of money to have the perfect decorations. I'm the girl that constantly looks like she fell into her closet and came out wearing whatever happened to make itself on. The girl that wears what she wants even if it looks like a 5 year old could dress themselves better. I'm the girl that would rather do shots then singles or doubles because it's common knowledge that mixes are for pussys and both arms are needed to get your dance on. The girl that can roll out of bed and be totally satisfied with how I look or can take hours getting all did up for a night out. The girl that can function on less then 4 hours of sleep if needed because you can sleep when you're dead. I'm the girl that can start and finish a book in one day and not find it a waste of time at all. That is constantly wanting to know more and learn more and is never satisfied. I'm the girl that is always laughing and finds it hard to be serious. That knows that there are more important things in life then wasting time being upset so laugh it off and move on. I'm the girl that comes up with just ubsurd ideas and will fight you to the end to convince you it's an awesome idea. That will make your day better even if it takes everything in me. I'm the girl that breaks hearts and moves on as if it was nothing. That doesn't get attatched and doesn't need a man to make her feel complete. I'm the girl that listens to everything under the rainbow from Jonas Brothers to Emery to well, you'll never know. I'm the girl that is constantly changing. Changing my hair, my style, my mannerisms. The girl that you will either love or hate. The girl who is not afraid to get in your face and tell you how I feel. I'm the girl that doesn't say no on a night out or having fun just because there is work tommorow. The girl that can spend hours just swinging on a swing set and talking about life. The girl that will do something just because you told her not to and push the limits just to see how far she can go. I'm the girl that was always attatched to something artisit. A pecil, a paintbrush. Anything. The girl that felt at home with paint covered hands and stained clothes. I'm the girl that will make you laugh and will also make you so angry you will question never talking to me again. I'm the girl that will never be like anyone else you will ever meet.

I see it coming

Lately I've been doing a great deal of thinking. The conclusion that I've came to is who here really knows me? I'm sure some people can list of a number of random facts about me but I'm talking something more then that. Someone who doesn't need to wonder why I do the things I do or act the way I do. That doesn't need to question when I do something to others would seem totally out of character. To them, they would understand. To them, it would just be me.

So the question still stands, who here really knows me. The answer to that is nobody really. I have nobody here that truly knows me in and out. And do I even have anyone anywhere that knows me the way I want to be known? I talk and I talk but there really isn't a specific person who is just there for me no matter what. Who would understand me and wouldn't question it. I had it. I used to have it and then she turned her back on me and took me out of her life. And the truth is I miss her. And I miss it. I miss feeling like she was my sister, like she was part of my family. I could tell her anything and I wouldn't have to worry about how she would react or that she would go blab it to everyone else and my morning everyone would know. We could just stay up laying in bed and just talk about our lives. It was easy. She was my person. She knew me. She knew the me that nobody really knows. I wish I understood the reasoning behind her choice. Or at least she had the decency to tell me goodbye but I should be used to it. People walk out on my life all the time.

Speaking of walking out of my life. I think that's becoming the theme for my life. Abandonment. Well, maybe that's a little strong of a word but it's just so easy for people to walk away from me and out of my life. It goes back as far as I can remember.

1. My father: I don't really know much about this whole situation. I mean, I've never met him. Well, at least met him when I was old enough to have memories of him and to acknowledge who he was. From what I was told he left before I was 6 months old. I was just a baby and he knew even then that he didn't want anything to do with me. I get it, I get the whole being only 17 or so years old and not wanting a child but I was his. Apparently I look exactly like him . He made me and I was his responsibility and he'd rather run off and do whatever he did. Maybe he went to be with my half sister, who knows. I think that saddest part of this all is that I will never get a chance to meet him. I will never know him or who he was. I will never be able to see his face and see parts of me in it. There will never be coffee and catch ups. Nobody will ever be able to tell me that I got my smile from him. And I will never have anything more of him then a stolen picture of him on a bike.
   
2. My mother: When I was 12 she decided that she would rather have a boyfriend then me. A guy that she hadn't even known for a year and that was 6 or 7 years younger then her. Not even too much older then I was but she decided that she would rather have him then me. So she packed up her stuff and left me with my grandma. I don't really understand how after 12 years you can just up and decide that you are done with being a mother. I really don't. However, I can see where she is coming from. I stole away her innocence and her childhood but she planned me. She tried to get pregnant and she wanted me. At 14, she wanted me so what had changed? There was gaps up to likely a year where I didn't see or hear from her. She wouldn't try to come see or or try to talk to me or anything. She simply acted as if I didn't even exist. And in all honesty that's pretty hard to do when you are living in a city the size of Red Deer. She simply gave up on me and started her new life.

I'll continue this later, right now... I just can't even think about this anymore.

like the back of my hand

You don't deserve it, so GIVE IT BACK!
Just give it back because I can't do it anymore.
I can't settle for something less.
I can't be okay with the way things are.
So give it back okay?
Give me what I deserve or give it back.

Driveways, drive aways

There is someone out there that could make me happy. I'm talking that giggling, cheesy smile, cherish every minute happy. Not just content happy. I know there are numerous guys that could make me happy. And me, I'm too naive to notice what's right in front of me. I'm too busy clinging onto the posibilities only avaliable in my head to even register what I am doing to myself. I pass them by because I am lost in my own world of false hope set off by a string of kind words and false terms of enderment. I'm like a junkie so strung out by the momentary high on the moment. I'm high off the imaginary connections I am forming. I'm addicted. I'm addicted to the high. I'm sorry.

Give me hope

Oh man, I can't believe how sick I am and how it just sort of hit me. My throat is raw and all my glads and what-nots are all swollen and hurting. My head feels like it weighs only about a thousand pounds and aches. I'm so congested and I can't stop sneezing. I'm pretty sure I'm running a fever and my body is trying to reject my piercings. I'm bruised and battered from over a week ago and still not healing. My skin is super pale and there's no life in my face. My eyes look tired and surrounded by bags. I can hardly breathe and my stomach is all upset. So, I'm pretty much a straight up mess right now. Work should be fun tommorow. Best birthday present ever.

Rearrange Beds

I care, I care a great deal. I just have a horrible way of showing it. I care about how people are feeling, about what's going on in their lives, about how their day is going and everything else. I care but somehow it ends up falling short. I talk a little too much about myself and forget to ask questions and to put myself out there for people. I worry about me and my life and my problems and I forget that other people may need me too. And if they don't need me then at least they know that I am there, in case they do, in case they change there mind, or just to have that feeling and knowledge that I am there. This whole caring business is a juggling act that I can't seem to master. On one end of the spectrum there I am, selfish, needy and looking out for number one. On the other is the me that cares only about others. That's self-less and giving and would drop anything, do anything, try anything to make peoples lives a little bit better. I need to somehow find this middle ground. I can remember back to even a couple months ago when I was told that I need to worry more about me then everyone elses problems I carried around on my back. Well I lifted that weight and now, well I feel selfish. I was basically told that I'm a selfish bitch and only talk about myself. I think I'm starting to realize that but in a way that's how I deal with things. I'm the kind of person that needs to talk things over, to complain and bitch and cry and just be a general sore on society and then I'm fine. I'm good afterwards but other people aren't always like that and don't understand. It comes off intense and a burden that I wouldn't want to put into other people but I do with no limit. I'm open to anyone that will listen. So now I think I need to pull back and believe in the ways I once had. Believe that everything happens for a reason, that things will work out and if not, then it's not the end but the beginning of something else. I know I need to change and become more like that old person who was positive and believed in something more then living day to day. I can't be this cynical selfish person who's bitterness pours out constantly. I have to make a conscience dissicion to be nicer and clear my head of all these pointless stressors. I need to stop caring so much about my life and how's it's going to end up. But at the same time I need people to notice this change and be appreciative of all the things I do and how much I put myself out there. Or else all this, all these thoughts and motivation and change, it's just going to go down the drain.

Yeah, I get it now.

So, I'm officially legal everywhere. No bigs or anything. I was expecting my birthday to bomb but really it was pretty epic. I had a really, really good night. I absolutly love my friends that I have here. I know that I may not see them that often, and I might not have that many but when it matters they follow through. And what more can you ask for? I can't think of anything.

And is it just me or do I always somehow manage to fuck things up when they are going good? It's like I have to self sabatoge my own happiness. I hope it all works out. I don't want to lose that part of my life.

Didn't We Almost Have It All?

"I have every reason to go, and, and, and yeah I´m scared, and yeah this is moving at warp speed, and yeah I´m freaking out...Look I have every reason to go back to my life and I will, unless you..., I´m asking you to give me a reason to stay here, a reason from you..."

Click Clack

I needed to cry. I knew that watching that movie would make me cry and I watched it anyways. So yeah, I think I needed to cry. Thank you Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, you succeeded.

Heat Vents

I don't like sleeping alone. =(

Threshold

I'm happy but it feels like something is missing. Yet I can't figure out exactly what is making it feel incomplete.

Day3.

Isn't it just absurd that I miss my old place? It feels like I'm playing sleepover here and I kind of just want to go home.

Statements

I laugh too much and almost always at the wrong times. I don't know when certain topics are appropriate or not and I can promise half the things I say will shock you. I will cross the line. I will make you angry and you will likely hate me. I'm indecisive and always changing. I can't do stability. I can't fully commit because I don't ever know what I want. I'm moody and bitter. I will likely hurt you and not even mean to. But this is me. So take it or leave it.

Sure type thing

It's okay darling, commitment isn't "your thing".

The point.

If you be my star, I'll be your sky. You can hide underneath me and come out at night. When I turn jet black and you show off your light.I live to let you shine.I live to let you shine. But you can skyrocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy. Far from here with more room to fly. Just leave me your stardust to remember you by. If you be my boat, I'll be your sea. A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity. Ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze. I live to make you free. I live to make you free. But you can set sail to the west if you want to. And past the horizon till I can't even see you. Far from here where the beaches are wide. Just leave me your wake to remember you by. If you be my star, I'll be your sky. You can hide underneath me and come out at night. When I turn jet black and you show off your light. I live to let you shine. I live to let you shine. But you can skyrocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy. Far from here with more room to fly. Just leave me your stardust to remember you by, stardust to remember you by.

11:11

I'm a strong believer that everything in life is set out for you ahead of time. Everyone you are supposed to meet, you will. Every person that is in your life is there for a reason. Every choice you make leads to where you are supposed to be. I think the reason why I believe this so strongly is because I'm conscience enough, know my thoughts and feelings so in depth, that I know when certain connections with people are made for a specific reason. To put this more clearly I've been in the postion many times when I met someone and instantly knew that something was going to be there. It's so intense of a feeling. It's as if something triggers in the mind that sets off this rough vision of what the future will entail with this person. It's so hard to describe and to put into words. It's as if some things just fall into place. It works all too well, effortless almost. Certain pinpoints or circumstances arrise where there is no other way to live other then you believe it's meant to be for whatever reason. I think this is the first time that I've almost wished that it wasn't true. But too many things add up. From the first meeting, to knowing absolutly obscure song lyrics that should be unknown and a list to continue on from there. Don't you think it means something that I have everything he needs. I've known what to say, what to offer, what to help with. I have what you need but it's not enough for you to notice that it's not just me pushing me to you. Isn't that enough?