I see it coming

Lately I've been doing a great deal of thinking. The conclusion that I've came to is who here really knows me? I'm sure some people can list of a number of random facts about me but I'm talking something more then that. Someone who doesn't need to wonder why I do the things I do or act the way I do. That doesn't need to question when I do something to others would seem totally out of character. To them, they would understand. To them, it would just be me.

So the question still stands, who here really knows me. The answer to that is nobody really. I have nobody here that truly knows me in and out. And do I even have anyone anywhere that knows me the way I want to be known? I talk and I talk but there really isn't a specific person who is just there for me no matter what. Who would understand me and wouldn't question it. I had it. I used to have it and then she turned her back on me and took me out of her life. And the truth is I miss her. And I miss it. I miss feeling like she was my sister, like she was part of my family. I could tell her anything and I wouldn't have to worry about how she would react or that she would go blab it to everyone else and my morning everyone would know. We could just stay up laying in bed and just talk about our lives. It was easy. She was my person. She knew me. She knew the me that nobody really knows. I wish I understood the reasoning behind her choice. Or at least she had the decency to tell me goodbye but I should be used to it. People walk out on my life all the time.

Speaking of walking out of my life. I think that's becoming the theme for my life. Abandonment. Well, maybe that's a little strong of a word but it's just so easy for people to walk away from me and out of my life. It goes back as far as I can remember.

1. My father: I don't really know much about this whole situation. I mean, I've never met him. Well, at least met him when I was old enough to have memories of him and to acknowledge who he was. From what I was told he left before I was 6 months old. I was just a baby and he knew even then that he didn't want anything to do with me. I get it, I get the whole being only 17 or so years old and not wanting a child but I was his. Apparently I look exactly like him . He made me and I was his responsibility and he'd rather run off and do whatever he did. Maybe he went to be with my half sister, who knows. I think that saddest part of this all is that I will never get a chance to meet him. I will never know him or who he was. I will never be able to see his face and see parts of me in it. There will never be coffee and catch ups. Nobody will ever be able to tell me that I got my smile from him. And I will never have anything more of him then a stolen picture of him on a bike.
   
2. My mother: When I was 12 she decided that she would rather have a boyfriend then me. A guy that she hadn't even known for a year and that was 6 or 7 years younger then her. Not even too much older then I was but she decided that she would rather have him then me. So she packed up her stuff and left me with my grandma. I don't really understand how after 12 years you can just up and decide that you are done with being a mother. I really don't. However, I can see where she is coming from. I stole away her innocence and her childhood but she planned me. She tried to get pregnant and she wanted me. At 14, she wanted me so what had changed? There was gaps up to likely a year where I didn't see or hear from her. She wouldn't try to come see or or try to talk to me or anything. She simply acted as if I didn't even exist. And in all honesty that's pretty hard to do when you are living in a city the size of Red Deer. She simply gave up on me and started her new life.

I'll continue this later, right now... I just can't even think about this anymore.