Over the edge.

Seriously I can't believe I'm blogging about this but lately it's all I can think about. All I want right now is to orgasm, that's all. I mean I don't think it's that much to ask for. Just one. Just once. Just so I know what it's like. Okay.. I wouldn't be okay with just once. I want to have it all the time. Every time. More then once. Is that selfish? I don't think so. I mean I should have by now. I want to so bad. I don't think anyone understands how bad. I'm the only one I know that hasn't and usually it doesn't bother me but right now that is all I want and I would be completely satisfied with life. I think it might happen, I don't know though. The last couple of times felt so close. So close that it was devestating not to just be able to topple over and do what most normal people do. Arrgghhh I just want to now. Why isn't it that easy? I need this fixed now, help?

Punching Bags

Please come move back.


I just miss you.

And counting.

The List

1. I can't even afford to make ends meet.
   
2. I don't know if I can afford to move.
   
3. How can I afford to leave for 6 months if I don't even have anything saved yet.
4. What if I can't get a second job. I NEED a second job.
5. I don't know if I want to leave anymore.
6. What will I lose if I leave?
7. What will I miss out on?
8. I can't even speak basic french, how is this going to work?
9. What if I can't learn anything? What if I can't pick it up?
10. I don't want to be alone on my birthday.
11. I don't want to be let down on another birthday. I'll be 21 and I'm likely going to be alone.
12. I've been single for 9 months.
    
13. I'll be single for a year and a half when I get back.
14. I'm tired of being alone all the time.
15. I'm tired of being the only person who reaches out for anyone.
16. I'm tired of being the only one trying.
17. I just want my 'friends' to get a hold of me. To want to hang out with me. Is that too much to ask?
18. Maybe they aren't even my friends. I don't even know.
19. I hate how all I do is work. I work and then I'm alone.
20. I'm tired of hearing and seeing people and their relationships when I have nobody.
21. What if when I leave I don't get along with anyone?
22. What if nobody likes me there and I don't enjoy it.
23. It's not like I'd have the money to just up and leave.
24. Oh man, I'm crying at Starbucks.
25. Why can't anyone from Calgary want me around and miss me?
    
26. I don't know what he wants from me.
    
27. I don't want to always wonder what it means. OR what I want OR what it could be.
28. I don't want to think about OR miss OR want. I just want to be happy.
29. I miss my best friend, but I guess we arn't best friends anymore.
30. I wish I wasn't so easy to forget.
    
31. 4 months and it doesn't even matter to you.
    

Two Choices

I live my life through the eye's of Grey's Anatomy. I'm so addicted that some might see it as a problem. It gives me hope. It breaks my heart. It gives me situations that I can relate way too easily and too close to. Lately I'm Merideth. I have my Finn. He's always stable and certain. His choice has been made and he knows that I'm broken and scary and have a history but he's okay with that. He has the right things to say and ready whenever I need him. He's always there and has plans. He has plans that include me. But I can't let myself be a part of them. I also have my Derek. And I wish that he wasn't my Derek. Like Finn said, Derek isn't right. He's going to hurt me. But for some reason I can't get him out of my head. I can't let him go. He can do whatever he wants, he can hurt me time and time again and I can't let go. I can't and I want to. But he's my Derek. And he wouldn't even understand what that means.

Pee Ess

Oh and new thought:

Why would I want to leave when I have everything I need right here?

motercyle

Drinking on a Wednesday, why, yes I will. =)

Time

"You are looking at me. And you watch me. And Finn has plans. I like Finn. He's perfect for me, and I'm really trying here to be happy, and I feel like I can't breathe. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that, so just stop!"

City Traffic

This house is the house of change. Nothing is stable and nothing is secure. Each day you wake up and there is something new, something different, something that has changed. Things come and go. Objects are birthed and laid to rest. Items are moved, replaced, thrown out or changed. Each day brings something new. It would drive some people insane. People come and go. Days bring the arrival of new faces, old faces, faces you'll never see again. Times where the house is filled with life and others where it seems like everyone has abandoned ship but myself.

Circulation

Someone once told me that the last person you think of before you go to sleep is the person that means the most to you. But what if you can't think of just one person? What if it's always multiple people every night. Because when my head hits the pillow I don't just fill my head with thoughts of one, but the thoughts of many. People that I had known a long time ago, almost as if it were a different life. People I thought I knew, that felt like family at one time but now it seems like forever ago. People I thought I'd never lose touch with. People who probably don't think of me even once a day. People who make my heart ache and make it impossible to sleep. But that's always my last thoughts. So what does that mean?

In my dreams

There are things I can't write on here. I need to write and I can't write on here. Isn't that funny because isn't that what this is for?

Seriously Extended

I leave in 118 days and I'm in a rut.
I'm in a rut and I can't get out.
I don't know how to get out and I leave in 118 days.
Does that even make any sense?
I can't think but I think too much.
I'm always thinking but I'm not getting anywhere.
I'm always tired but I don't sleep.
I'm always tired but I can't sleep.
I have so much time but I can't make time.
I waste time.
I waste time.
I waste time.

Took her away

That was a nice midweek afternoon shot. =)

Fireflies & Moths

I still only sleep on one side of my bed.
I have, what, like a queen sized bed and I sleep on my side.
Isn't that funny?


Or maybe it's a little sad. I don't know how to deal with being tender and girly. I don't do it very well. I'm not used to it. But that's what you made me. That's how you make me. And it's pointless.

So tonight I'm sleeping in the middle.

Power Outtage

"In my head I replay our conversations
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations
You know me? I love to lose my mind
And every time anybody speaks your name I still feel the same
I ache, I ache, I ache inside."

biggest fan

hmmppffhhh, my house makes me sad

I got my words.

Dave The Brave says:
i miss you too
your fucking awesome, dont ever forget it
` lisamarie. says:
thanks hun. i wish you were still here.
Dave The Brave says:
i just wish i had you.

try

I'm bitter. When did that happen? I'm bitter and resentful and angry and full of all these pent up emotions that are just ready to spill out. I'm bitter because it seems like anytime I care about someone or get any sort of attachment to people they let me down. Weither it be intentional or not. I'm good at what I do though. I brush it off, put on this act like it doesn't hurt. Like I don't miss these people, that I'm not breaking down inside. So convincing that people don't even notice. All that can be seen is a slight more measure of bitterness. Truth is, nobody really looks too into bitterness. I can't even write down the words to get it out or to say whats on my mind. I don't even know what to say.

I guess you could call him the worst cut. The deepest of them all. I know that's not what he would have wanted. And wouldn't have been his intention at all but this one hurt the worst of all. Over a year later and something so simple as walking down the street can bring my breathing to unease. I remember the last time I seen him like it was yesterday. Like that movie said 'it's been 6 years but it feels like she just went out to the store to pick up something and will be back any minute'. He was wearing that stupid little hat that I hated. His face never suited hats. Or maybe I'm just not a hat person. But he was wearing it, like he always was. I looked over and saw his silver car at the red light. Slumped back in his seat relaxed as if the car was an extension of him. In a way I guess it was. That car was as major a part of his life as any. He looked over with a look on his of slight recongnition and disbelief. The encounter was brief as the light turned green and he drove off. It's still such a weird concept to wrap my head around. That that was the last time I saw him. That I will ever see him.

I just got the worst case of deja vu. It's supposed to mean that this is exactly where you are supposed to be. I can't believe that this is the case.

tell me what you need

Leaving to do better or running away from my problems?
I'm not really too sure.

computer humming

I'm trying to convince myself of a number of things.
I try to convince myself that I'm not lonely and that I have everything I could want.
I try to convince myself that my life is on track and that this is where I want to be.
I try to convince myself that I'm not scared to death of leaving.
I try to convince myself that I'm grown up and that I'm okay living on my own.
I try to convince myself that I'm okay being by myself.
I try to convince myself that I know what I want.
I try to convince myself that I don't miss him being around and that there isn't a void that still hurts.
I try to convince myself that he meant nothing to me and that I'm okay with it.
I try to convince myself that I'm okay leaving.
I try to convince myself that I'm okay.