Two Choices

I live my life through the eye's of Grey's Anatomy. I'm so addicted that some might see it as a problem. It gives me hope. It breaks my heart. It gives me situations that I can relate way too easily and too close to. Lately I'm Merideth. I have my Finn. He's always stable and certain. His choice has been made and he knows that I'm broken and scary and have a history but he's okay with that. He has the right things to say and ready whenever I need him. He's always there and has plans. He has plans that include me. But I can't let myself be a part of them. I also have my Derek. And I wish that he wasn't my Derek. Like Finn said, Derek isn't right. He's going to hurt me. But for some reason I can't get him out of my head. I can't let him go. He can do whatever he wants, he can hurt me time and time again and I can't let go. I can't and I want to. But he's my Derek. And he wouldn't even understand what that means.