NYE

Entering the new year in fake lashes, body suit and nipples stickers.

will never change.

I should be packing but, well, that makes it real. More real then it actually feels like. So instead I'm going to listen to sad songs on repeat.

Her hair.

Maybe I just don't get it. Maybe I'm just out of the loop or missing some key component. Because when it all comes down to it I just don't understand. Why can't things ever just stay good? It is totally an oblivious state to be in? Or just for me? I'd like to think I'm pretty constant. In this situation I know what I want. I always have, because it has never changed. So with that I don't know why it can't just work out. Why it can't just run smoothly. Why it isn't easy. Just, why. I can't understand why. I've put myself out there, I've pulled back. I've went away and I've came back but it doesn't change now does it? And now I'm starting to think that your mad at me for leaving. Yeah, in your shoes I'd be mad too. If not mad then upset. But like I've stated, I've always been here. I've waited around, I've thrown myself at you, I've been broken down and tried to move on but I can't. And I hate it because every song is falling into place with perfect lyrics from what I expect your point of view to be. What I want it to be. I know it's mine. And maybe your sitting back thinking this is all easy for me when it isn't. It is one of the hardest things I've had to do so far in my life. Each day I'm bi-polar with emotions. I don't know how to feel about it all and I can't grasp my mind around it all. But what do you expect me to do? You know there is a huge part of me telling me not to leave when the times are good. Because the times ARE good. I've reached a point in my life where I can say I'm not only content but happy with where I am in life and how it's going. I have good people in my life, people that make me smile and that make me laugh. People that I know I can go to at the end of the day and just let loose and be myself. And there's you. Through all the hot and the cold. The on and the off. There is you. But what do you want me to do? Stay behind and hope that this time it's for real? Because as much as I want that to be true you can't promise me that. I can't sit back and let this opportunity pass me by like I've let so many others. So yes, a part of me is devastated on the fact that I'm basically tossing my life I have now away. It hurts and I don't know what to say to anyone. I don't know how to tell anyone how I'm feeling. I don't want to say goodbye to this period in my life. I'm absolutly terrified of what my life will be when this program ends. I have no idea what will be left when it's all said and done and that's something that keeps me up at night. It doesn't feel like I'm leaving but in the back of my mind I'm constantly counting down. Thinking thoughts like "Is this the last time I'll see this person?" and trying to remember every little detail in case I never get that chance again. Even right now I'm fighting to get the words out. It feels so silly to be this caught up and this upset because I know 6 months isn't that long of a time. I know that. But so much changes and can change in 6 months. So to me 6 months feels like a lifetime. 6 months feels like the end.

Gumbo

Let's reword that. I'm ready to go because I can't keep waiting around and having nothing to do with myself. I mean, I have a hundred things I need to do before I leave but right now I can't do anything. I can't pack, I can't go out shopping for what I need. I can't deal with the goodbyes and lists, full of lists. There are millions of thoughts going through my mind. Millions of little fragments of thoughts that begin with or end in goodbyes. I gave my two-weeks on Thursday, goodbye.

Countdown

OKAY, I'm ready to go now.

4,147 km

5601 Dalton Drive NW Calgary, Alberta
1. Head northeast on Dalton Dr NW towards Dalhousie Dr NW 0.1km
2. Take the 1st right onto Dalhousie Dr NW 0.4km
3. Turn left at Shaganappi Trail NW 0.6km
4. Slight right towards John Laurie Blvd NW 0.3km
5. Continue straight onto John Laurie Blvd NW 1.8km
6. Slight left to stay on John Laurie Blvd NW 3.0km
7. Turn right on McKnight Blvd NW 5.7km
8. Slight right towards Barlow Trail NE 0.3km
9. Continue straight toward Barlow Trail NE 2.8km
10. Take the ramp into HWY-1 E [Entering Saskatchewan] 750km
11. Exit onto HWY-1E/E Victoria Ave E 554km
Continue to follow HWY-1E [Entering Manitoba]
12. Take the By-Pass/HWY-100/Perimeter HWY ramp to Kenora 0.4km
13. Merge onto HWY-100/Perimeter Hwy E 39.3km
14. Take the ramp to HWY-1 E 0.4km
15. Turn right at HWY-1 E [Entering Ontario] 142km
16. Continue onto King’s Hwy 17 37.8km
17. Slight left to stay on King’s HWY 17 0.9km
18. Continue onto Kenora Bypass 33.5km
19. Continue straight onto King’s Hwy 17 149km
20. Turn left to stay on King’s Hwy 17 0.7km
21. Take the 2nd right to stay on King’s Hwy 17 278km
22. Turn left at King’s Hwy 102 32.9km
23. Turn left at King’s Hwy 11/Thunder Bay Expy E 108km
Contine to follow King’s Hwy 11
24. Turn left to stay on King’s Hwy 11 613km
25. Turn right to stay on King’s Hwy 11 73km
26. Turn left to stay on King’s Hwy 11 63.2km
27. Turn left at King’s Hwy 66 [Entering Quebec] 58.3km
28. Continue onto TC 19.4km
29. Turn left at Route 101/TC 22km
Continue to follow TC
30. Turn right at Avenue Du Lac 0.4km
31. Continue onto Avenue Lariviere 6.3km
32. Continue onto Route MC Watters 22.8km
33. Continue onto TC 71.8km
34. Continue onto 3e Av O 5.8 km
35. At the roundabout, take the 2nd exit onto Route 117 28.3km
36. Continue onto TC 257km
37. Continue straight onto Boulevard Albiny-Paquette/Route 309/TC/TC S 223km
Continue to follow TC S
38. Take the exit on the left onto QC-40 E/TC E towards Quebec 11.3km
39. Take exit 80-S for QC-25/T-C Hwy towards QC-20 0.6km
40. Merge onto QC-25 S/TC E 416km
Continue to follow TC E
41. Slight left at QC-20 E/Route 20 E 22.2km
42. Turn right at Route 132 E/Route 132 O 75.8km
Continue to follow Route 132 O
43. Turn left at Route 132 44m
44. Turn right to stay on Route 132 13.6km
45. Slight right at Boulevard De le Riviere 0.3km
46. Turn left at Rue De L Eveche O 0.5km
47. Take the 1st right onto Avenue Rouleau 0.2km
48. Take the 3rd left onto Rue Saint-Joseph O 66m
124 Rue Saint-Joseph Ouest, Rimouski QC

LadaDeDa

What I remember from last night...

- Sitting on kitchen floor drinking, Tye comes home. I jump up and offer shots.
- Spilling orange juice all over not the right card. Forgetting real card at home.
- "Put your hands up if you just saw my nipples." Everyone puts up hand.
- Slapping Toph in the face. Him slapping me in the face. Twice.
- Real feelings.
- "Want more?" *shake head* "Pussy!" Take more.
- Losing my coat, lol well. Thinking I lost my coat.
- Epic adventure to McDonalds.
-Puking thinking I'm at work.

All and all, great success.

Not so strong.

What a stupid day. Words mean nothing. Nothing at all. I'm just tired and worn out and over everything. Say what you mean. Act like you mean half of what you say. If you don't want it to be that way then don't. But don't fuck around with me. So just fuck it, hello rum.

Lost Lost. Lost

I was feeling sad

Can't help looking back
Highways flew by
Run, run, run away
No sense of time
Like you to stay
Want to keep you inside

CCAAGGA

A few thoughts of today:

un; Please don't rain on my parade. You may not think it's something but it is to me. This is something to me and for you just to bring it down and act like it means nothing feels like you're basically spitting in my face. Just be happy for me. You have what you want, let me have what I want.

deux; Even if you don't remember, I do remember. And I'm going to hold onto the hope that even a fraction of what you said is the truth. Because the things that you said and the way you acted is the person I fell for and as the saying goes...

trios; You intimidate me. I don't think that's going to change. I'll always be that awkward girl that says weird things and that boys like you don't notice.

quatre; Time, can you just please slow down for a minute? I'm running out of days real quick and I still have a list full of things I need to do before I leave. So please, just give me a chance.

cinq; All I want is to be a part of something. To make a difference. To have a little piece of something to call my own. And maybe it doesn't seem like I have much now, but I'm working towards something. And sure, I may be leaving alot behind, but think of what I may gain. How can I not do it looking at life like that?

six; Also, where are my roomies? I'm over being home alone all the time.

ah, bay, say, day

Listen,listen. I'm listening carefully,to where exactly you might be.
Cause I've had enough waiting.I've had enough waiting for you.
I'm thinking,I'm thinking. You're growing old with someone.
As beautiful as you, just ask me to. Just ask me to.I'm recalling.
Recalling. Putting on jackets way too thin.To fight against cold way too thick.
And it coming down sideways and you clearing my eyes.
I've had a little too much to think.I've had a little too much to think.
And empty rooms tend to make,me believe in you.Surrounded by everything I own.
Boxed and labeled, ready to go.Not before time, not before time.I'm listening, I'm listening.

Turn around.

It's always how it goes, right before I go I have to become on bad terms with someone close to me. It's just how it works. Either I leave or they leave and it's not a goodbye or even a say taking the time to say bye at all.

So what do I do? It really makes no sense to me. Don't say you aren't mad when clearly you are. We used to hang out all the time and chat all the time. And now I get one word answers and haven't seen you in probably like 2 weeks or so. I don't get it. Well, okay I guess I do get it but it's my life and I'm going to do what makes me happy. And maybe at the end of the day you won't like that or won't approve but it's not your choice. You are supposed to be my friend and be there for me and support me with what I want. Support, not agree with. I would do that same with you. But I guess it maybe doesn't work both ways. I just hope you come around before I go.

rhinoceros feet

and elephant shoes.

Cocounuts.

I don't want to pack up my stuff.
I don't want to leave here.
Not just yet.
Not right now.

Listen

He calms her down. Every minute together brings her breathing down to a normal level. She does not stress. The beating of his heart resonates in her ears encasing her in the rhythm and flow of each beat. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. To her this feels like home. The shallow breaths in his chest and the beat of his heart in her ear. She cannot think of one single place she would rather be. Or one single thought other then that moment. On the outside one might think she was smitten with him. In her mind she's not too sure. She would rather sit and watch his movements and memorize his face then fret over the what-if of the situation. One less tomorrow, she thinks, and one more yesterday. If only she could live in her yesterdays.

It's never too late.

Please not right now. Not today, I'm already having a bad day. I leave in a month.

Starmile.

Another yesterday and one less tomorrow.

Mrs. Robinson

I don’t have a way with words anymore. I think at one point I did. I could convey what I wanted and had a vocabulary that extended that of a 10 year old, which I now feel consumed in. I could accurately place words in order to say what I needed to say and express what needed expressed. Now, I’m lucky if I even can have the words to keep up a normal conversation. So in that sense I feel deflated. As if all my words have been let out into the air and I’m just me, laying in a pool of stretched out existence. Or something like that.

I got lost in my thoughts today. It got to the extent where it enclosed my entire mind process and took away my ability to be here in the moment. Every thought was dedicated to the past and my existence. Something drew me to the picture of my father. Let me clarify, the only picture of my father. A picture of him biking down my childhood street, likely around the age of 16 surrounded by green grass and clear blue skies. Let’s note this first, the fact that I referred to him as my father. I’ve noticed that ever since he died I can actually associate him with that. My father. It’s a weird concept and has such a weird taste coming out of my mouth, but that is in fact what he is. My father, the other half of my DNA. Before he died you would never hear those words come out of my mouth. To everyone that knew me his existence was not needed. I was merly here to spite him and nothing to do with him. If referenced in conversation he would be accurately named my ‘sperm donor’. But it’s all different now. I can say he was my father and I can associate myself with him and in his life. But back to the picture. I was just drawn into it for no particular reason. It made me wonder what was going on in his life at the time. He seems so carefree and at ease, so it must be before I was born right? Or before I was conceived and put a damper on his life. I don’t know this person in the picture. I didn’t know him then. If I didn’t know any better I could go off assuming that he is a total stranger. There is nothing there that I recognize. I have absolutely zero memories associated with this person. Nothing that connects me to him and yet at that moment all I wanted was one single thing that I could think of that made him anything more then a stranger. I don’t know that face, that face that is supposed to look exactly like mine. Where I get my features from. But I don’t have a single thread of connection. I can’t say with conviction that I look like my dad because I don’t know and will never know. I can’t say I get my laugh from him or any aspect of my personality. I can’t say anything and at a moment when more then anything that’s what I wanted.

On a different level of this it’s absolutely mind blowing how the saying you-date-your-father works so well. Probably in more eloquently put words but the truth is there. I had no clue what my father was like. He could have been anything. A construction worker. A lawyer. Working at subway, who knows. But he biked. All the time. It was ‘his thing’. And I have this weird deep rooted desire to be with bikers. I see someone on a fixed gear or a bmx and I’m automatically drawn to them. It’s like I’m tuned in to notice them or want something to do with them. Look at my history and who I go for and it’s full of guys like that. It’s just so crazy how something I know nothing about can make such a major impact on my life.

In the morning in the window

I have too much stuff. It's stupid. Who really has a need for this much stuff? I'm trying to move stuff around in my room so I can fit everything and things are breaking. Stuff is falling everywhere, I'm trying my hardest not to scream. Thanks for the hoarder qualities family but I'm over it!

Camera Lens

Yup, a couple things I've came to terms with. I fell for you, I fell hard. But the thing there isn't really much there. What do we have in common? Really though, it's not much. I'm struggling to find even one answer to that question. But that doesn't change how I feel. When I see you I want you to be just mine. I'm jealous and needy and all consumed in you. But when it comes down to it there could never be anything more then what there is. I fell for who you were, the cute things you once said. The actions you once had, the feelings you once played upon. They have long faded but that's what I fell for. The you that you were when you wanted me the same way. Which, you don't. Not anymore. You want what we have, if that. You want to call me up for an effortless good time. You want to have someone to fill the void in your life in a couple different ways. You don't want me and all I have to offer. And maybe it matters to you and maybe it doesn't but you have a major competition, whether you see it that way or not. Someone who wants to hang out with me, in public. That wants to go out and see movies and be out in the city. Someone who wants to spend the day with me not the night in me. Who I can chat freely with and be entirely myself around. It wouldn't matter if I hadn't showered or not. If I was a mess physically and mentally. It wouldn't matter because it's me and that's good enough. And the fact that being around him makes me happy and he wants to see me happy. It's a pretty stiff competition, so I'd start to worry.

Lexi Grey

So, I kind of want to meet my half sister.

broke it in 2.

Well don't think of it as a good bye more of a see you later.

And I,

It may be hitting me now. I'm sitting on my kitchen floor, home alone, crying.

I can't say goodbye.

Zombie Green

I have a hard time settling down. I don't think I'll ever be part of the white picket fence dwelling suburban family. I won't be the mini-van soccer mom or the crazy sport fanatic super mom. In reality I doubt I'll ever end up being a mom at all or find a city, town or any place of land that I could take residence in for a long period of time. And that whole being married and living happily ever after bit seems like somewhat of a fairy tale when the thought of sticking with one person or one place for over a year seems like a drag. How can one be expected to find the 'love of their lives' when constantly up and moving from place to place? From one journey to the next? I was told by a close friend of mine to 'consider him when I settle down and get on my feet'. Trying to decifer what that means I've came to the conclusion that what he wants is just not me. I'm not the settling type. I don't stick to one place. I move constantly. I'm in a constant state of being half packed and mentally I'm not 100% anywhere. My mind is on the the search of where to go next. Half living in the present and half in the future. Take a look at my life at the moment. In the past 6 months I've moved from my mom's house to Dave's, then from Dave's to Matt's, then from Matt's to my ghetto house, then from there to Jenny's. But that's not it. Come January it will start all over again, in the next 6 months I'll move from Calgary to Red Deer, from Red Deer to Rimiouski, from Rimiouski to Assiboinia and then back to Red Deer. And then from there on my possibilities are endless.

I'm always thinking into the future. What's next? Where can I go from here. I have so many options I'm just not sure what is right for me. One of my worries is that the way I look, with the stretched ears and piercings, the way I dress, the way I act, is that going to get in the way of doing what I want to do? Also with the fact that I can't settle down and want to be consantly moving the prospects of having any stable career kind of go down the drain. I just want to see the world. I want the oppurtunities that my family hasn't been giving. I want to take in as much as I can and try as much as I can. I want to say that I've lived in all these different places and became a part of that community. I know that this program is the first step I need to do that but I don't know where to go from there.

Ain't always gold.

It's always been you. Since day one, it's been you. I was happy with him. We were good together, we made each other laugh. He was my shoulder to cry on and so much more and then you came around and I can't even think about him in that way anymore. I can't think about anyone in that way anymore. I wish I could pinpoint what it was. We have nothing really in common. We are totally different people and you don't want that from me. You don't know what you want but you know it's not me. The thing is I can't picture my life without you in it. I don't want to and yet that's what I'm doing. I know once I board that plane you will be gone from my life. I'm trying not to think of it that way, I'm trying to remember when you said that you'd be here, you'd always be here. But you won't be because that was never true. So I guess I'll just keep feeling like I'm cheating because I'm cheating my heart. It belongs to you now. For now.

Can't control.

It would be easy. It would be so simple to slide back into that old life. I could slip in with my different groups of friends. Never being alone. Never having to worry about having plans or any downtime that I didn't want. It would be easy but I just couldn't do it anymore and I realized that. I like my simple life I'm leading now. I like waking up and knowing I'm gonna go to work and basically hang out and chat to the girls. I know who is going to be there and what to expect. There's no drama. And if there is drama it's very minimal and washes over by the next day.

Lollipops

New life goal:

I want a great dane.
I want to be the little girl, in the big city, with the big dog.

Pull me through the light

A month or so I would have given anything for a reason not to leave. I wanted nothing more then for someone to tell me no, to beg me not to leave. Give any of the tiniest unimportant reason and I would have unpacked my figuratively packed bags and settled back down. Now, now I can't even get the thought of leaving out of my mind. It's all I think about. The first thing in the morning, the last thing before bed. It's consuming my every thought and I couldn't be any more happy. There is nothing that is going to stop me from leaving. Not a person or event is going to change my mind and I dare you to try. I used to be scared of leaving but I can't even be anymore. I'm just all consumed in the good. It's an amazing feeling because I've never been this set into anything really before. I'm gonna make this work and make the best out of it. So tell me you miss me and tell me you don't want me to leave but in the end I've already decided. I'm already gone.

On another note I'm not just going to stop acting how I am. I'm gonna give kisses on foreheads and I'm going to cuddle and trace shapes across your skin. I'm gonna think about kissing you and smile at you when you don't pay attention. And overall be all consumed with girly feelings and I'm not going to hide it. I've come to the point where I don't care if you don't show anything back or feel anything back. If you just think of us as just friends then that's enough for me. But I'm gonna be me, and around you that's me. I'd rather be out there and be happy and myself for the last 2 months then hide it away. That's all.

Sea of Love

So it's official. That's a scary thought but also a very exciting one that the same time. Tomorrow when I send the envelope in the mail I'm officially in the program and set leave in approximately 67 days maybe. I had kept count of it before but I really fail at keeping track of numbers and the like.

So what next. I think I should start by stating what I know I'm losing and giving up on. I won't be able to drink basically ever or do anything the will put me under the influence. I will be taking up the prospects of becoming sexually frustrated for 6 months and any chance of getting any sort of action I can just throw out the window. I'm committing myself to being single and not seeing anyone for another 6 months. I am giving up personal space and the ability to be lazy, to sleep in and to be late for work. I know that if I want to cut or dye my hair I won't be able to. I won't be able to go shopping or have any real sort of income to myself. I won't be able to eat what I want, when I want and will have to try new things and adapt. I won't be able to have a cell phone likely or have normal access to a computer. So no Grey's Anatomy. No textsfromlastnight. No facebook or MSN.

But this is what I get. I get 6 months of not having to worry about if I have enough money to pay for my bills or if I am able to make my rent. I get free plane fare and travel expenses. I get to live in Quebec for 3 months. I get to live in Saskatchewan for 3 months. I get free french lessons. I get to see parts the country I wouldn't have thought of on my own. I get to meet new people and live in a house with 10 other people. I get to live life without the fuss and drama of technology. I get to make a difference to people and communities. I get to have 6 months to figure out just me and what I want to do. I won't have to worry about boy drama, with the what's going on or where do we stand. I don't have to worry about being alone because really, I'll never be alone.

So I'm crossing my fingers on this second job. Because right now that's all I care about. This trip is all I care about. I don't care that it's a Saturday night and I'm exhausted and ready for bed. I don't care that plans fall through or that I'm committing myself to 12 hour work days. I'm in this, no half ass. No maybes. I'm in this and I'm gonna make it work because the day I go board my flight I know it will all be worth it.

Oh oh oh for me she cries.

Seriously, why can't anyone support me on this?


Or in all honesty, support me ever?

Long gone down.

On the downside, there is really one person I want to call up and gush about this too. I don't even think she could fake excitement for me though.

Pursuit of happiness

I lost sight of the big picture. That sums it up, I lost sight of the big picture. I gave up hope. I threw in the white towel, I said enough. I gave up hope and that's when I lost it. I was so certain that I had completly tossed aside the thoughts of this trip until now. I can see clearly now, as ultimate lame as that sounds. Every day I wake up and complain about the mundane. Rising with a to do list and falling asleep clutching the same. It doesn't change. Day in, day out. The days blurr with little definition between one and the other. It's no way to live, falling asleep behind the glow of a computer screen, waking to the same set routine. It's not me, not anymore. I have dreams and ambition. I need adventure. This is exactly what I need. I need to get out and see the world. Sure, Calgary is my playground but I've grown out of it. It's as comforting and reassuring as a toddler swing. Until now where yes, I can fit but you risk the chance of getting stuck. Stuck in the routine. Stuck with mediocrity. Just, well, stuck. And I can already feel it coming. I'm on this downward slop into another major rut but this time I have an out. But now I have this and I'm gonna do everything in my power to get there. Because I can't not. I just can't not do it.

What a difference, she said

I eat like horrible about 90% of the time. I go on binges and will likely pull out something that one may call 'the ultimate fat'. I have an addictive personality to an extent, meaning I can do something repeatedly, such as play a song on repeat for days straight and not get sick of it and then stop and never listen to it again. I talk during movies. I don't have a judge of what is normal conversation and what isn't. The cleanness of my room is a direct factor about how I'm feeling in life. If it's messy then my life is generally a mess. I believe dreams mean something more then just images your mind produces while your asleep. And that everyone you meet is in your life for a reason. I can't stand the thought of doing one single thing for the rest of my life, that's why I find it hard thinking that I'll ever settle down or get married. I have unrealistic goals for myself and my future but it keeps me going and that's more then some people can say. When things get good I have to find something 'wrong' to bring it back down to level. I push people away when I need them the most. I don't talk about feelings or like to admit that I have them. I'm always sick and when that happens I'll likely think I'm dying and act like it. I'm oblivious to flirting or guys coming onto me. Most of the time I'm more seen as one of the guys. I've come to terms with the fact I have a decent amount of baggage. I've been cheated on, had people die and been abandoned, so anyone who doesn't have baggage after that has issues. I'm not easy to forget but easy to walk away from. I'm super stubborn and not easy to convince of things. I have an excuse and reason for everything I do and can't do. I hate sleeping alone but when I sleep with others I sprawl out like a 400 pound tank and take up all the room. I don't like to say no and that gets me in trouble. I don't know limits and when enough is enough. I like to think I can handle more then I can, like alcohol for example. I'm always right. And if I'm not right then it doesn't count. I know when I'm being lied to and I know when people are hiding things. I intentionally do things that are bad for me because of momentary gain or happiness. I relate everything in Grey's Anatomy to my life. It's my addiction, it makes me laugh, it makes me cry and it makes me feel like everything will work out in the end. I will make you laugh even though sometimes you will wonder why. I don't like to think before I talk and assume people want to hear everything I have to say. I let people in over and over and let them hurt me over and over because I'd rather risk the gain then what I will lose. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart without all that cheesy gross romantic things that come along with it. I will give anyone the time of day if they are willing to have a decent conversation. I get super passionate about certain subjects and items in my life. I'm not afraid of a good argument or to say what's on my mind. I will listen to every ones problems and try to give a solution because that's what makes me happy. I have a better outlook on life them most people my age.

Mega Balls

Ultimate fat = finding Mcdonalds cheese burger wrapper on floor.

comme des enfants

C'en est assez de ces dédoublements
C'est plus dure à faire, qu'autrement
Car sans rire c'est plus facile de rêver
A ce qu'on ne pourra, jamais plus toucher
On se prend la main, comme des enfants
Le bonheur aux lèvres, un peu naivement
Et on marche ensemble, d'un pas décidé
Alors que nos têtes nous crient de tout arrêter

Doomsday

Honestly I'm single why? I'm laying in bed watching porn on mute and listening to Atreyu. Catch? I think so.

FYI's & Fake Goodbyes.

Would have, could have, should have. But it's never me.

It's never me.

Yes, please.

Why hello sexy bike courier guy, you can totally check me out on my bike.

panties drop

"I'll be the perfect blowup doll for you baby. I'll do whatever you want."

No more 11:11

Lately all I've been doing is sitting, bitching and moaning over my life. Picking apart the smallest details of my life, like someone said this and then this happened. Boo hoo, my life is so hard. Honestly I need to snap out of it and get a little more positive. So on that note I think it's time to revist my list and kick the shit out of my negative whiney ass.

1. I can't even afford to make ends meet. That's a little far from the truth. Sure I don't have much but realy what do I need that much money for. I have food, I have rent, I can pay my bills. I'm set.
2. I don't know if I can afford to move. Well, already did lol.
3. How can I afford to leave for 6 months if I don't even have anything saved yet. Maybe I just won't go. Who knows what I can pull out. Maybe I'm just not meant to go.
4. What if I can't get a second job. I NEED a second job. Come on really, I'll get a job. Have you seen some people working places?
5. I don't know if I want to leave anymore. There's a reason to questioning. I still have time to decide.
6. What will I lose if I leave? What would I gain?
7. What will I miss out on? What would I miss out on if I didn't go?
8. I can't even speak basic french, how is this going to work? I can learn, really being surrounded by it is probably the best way to do it anyways.
9. What if I can't learn anything? What if I can't pick it up? I'm pretty sure thats impossible. Unless I'm totally retarded then I'll be fine.
10. I don't want to be alone on my birthday. Done and done and didn't happen.
11. I don't want to be let down on another birthday. I'll be 21 and I'm likely going to be alone. I wasn't alone because really the people that care were there and really what more can I ask for?
12. I've been single for 9 months. Which really isn't that long saying how many guys have I 'seen' in that time? Like.. 5.
13. I'll be single for a year and a half when I get back. Gross but not the end of the world. Traveling and being awesome it totally better then being tied down.
14. I'm tired of being alone all the time. That's just silly cause I'm hardly ever alone. I can remember when all I wanted was to be alone.
15. I'm tired of being the only person who reaches out for anyone. Then clearly they arn't worth my time. Any relationship works both ways.
16. I'm tired of being the only one trying. I think I've realized what's worth it and not worth it anymore.
17. I just want my 'friends' to get a hold of me. To want to hang out with me. Is that too much to ask? I know I may not see or talk to my friends that often but they are there when I need them and it matters.
18. Maybe they aren't even my friends. I don't even know. Maybe some arn't. But now I know and can rid them of my life.
19. I hate how all I do is work. I work and then I'm alone. But I love my job and it doesn't feel like work. And once I start on my plans it will all be worth it.
20. I'm tired of hearing and seeing people and their relationships when I have nobody. But I also can do whatever I want and not have to worry about anyone else. I have freedom.
21. What if when I leave I don't get along with anyone? Someone is gonna like me. I just have to put myself out there.
22. What if nobody likes me there and I don't enjoy it. Come on, that's just silly.
23. It's not like I'd have the money to just up and leave. Then I make the best of the situation and thing will look up.
24. Oh man, I'm crying at Starbucks. Hahaha, still.
25. Why can't anyone from Calgary want me around and miss me? I've been told people will miss me when and if I go. It's time to believe it.
26. I don't know what he wants from me. And now I do. And really I'm better then that.
27. I don't want to always wonder what it means. OR what I want OR what it could be. It can't be anything. It is what it is and can't be anything more. And is that what I want or need? No.
28. I don't want to think about OR miss OR want. I just want to be happy. And I am, I just don't realize it all the time.
29. I miss my best friend, but I guess we arn't best friends anymore. People change, go other ways and she couldn't be around because she is selfish in her own life. And really I don't want people in my life that only want me around to bring them up.
30. I wish I wasn't so easy to forget. And I'm not. Clearly I'm not if people keep coming back to me.
31. 4 months and it doesn't even matter to you. Once again, not worth it. You'll miss me but I'm not just going to forgive you. Goodbyes are easy, walking away is hard. You took the hard road.

one, two

We've been in the rain. We've been on the mountain. We've been round the fire. In fancy hotels. Drank water from farm wells. We sang with the choir. I kissed your dry lips. We jumped off the high cliffs. And splashed down below. Skin to skin. In the salty river. Made love in the shadow. Woooah ooh. Read books to each other. Read the mind of the other. Flew one thousand jets. We laughed and we cried. At movies and real life. In our ridiculous beds. We danced in the moonlight at midnight. We pressed against back doors and wooden floors. And you never faked it. And frequently. We ignored our love. But we could never mistake it. Oooh ooh. We met on the front porch. Fell in love on the phone. Without the physical wreck. You gave me the necklace. That used to hang. Around your mothers neck. We questioned religions. Fed bread to the pigeons. We learned how to pray. We stood by the ocean. Turned our hearts in to one. We laid in bed all day. Heeey. We skipped on the sidewalk. Skipped stones on the water. We skipped town. We've seen the sunrise with new eyes. We've seen the damage of gossip and true lies. We've seen the sun go down. Had passionate makeouts. And passionate freakouts. We built this world of our own. It was in the back of a taxi. When you told me you loved me. And that I wasn't alone.

You've got the love

I forgot who I am. I'm the girl who is absolutely in love with Halloween. That starts planning her costume the day after Halloween so it will be perfect for the next year. That would drop unlimited amounts of money to have the perfect decorations. I'm the girl that constantly looks like she fell into her closet and came out wearing whatever happened to make itself on. The girl that wears what she wants even if it looks like a 5 year old could dress themselves better. I'm the girl that would rather do shots then singles or doubles because it's common knowledge that mixes are for pussys and both arms are needed to get your dance on. The girl that can roll out of bed and be totally satisfied with how I look or can take hours getting all did up for a night out. The girl that can function on less then 4 hours of sleep if needed because you can sleep when you're dead. I'm the girl that can start and finish a book in one day and not find it a waste of time at all. That is constantly wanting to know more and learn more and is never satisfied. I'm the girl that is always laughing and finds it hard to be serious. That knows that there are more important things in life then wasting time being upset so laugh it off and move on. I'm the girl that comes up with just ubsurd ideas and will fight you to the end to convince you it's an awesome idea. That will make your day better even if it takes everything in me. I'm the girl that breaks hearts and moves on as if it was nothing. That doesn't get attatched and doesn't need a man to make her feel complete. I'm the girl that listens to everything under the rainbow from Jonas Brothers to Emery to well, you'll never know. I'm the girl that is constantly changing. Changing my hair, my style, my mannerisms. The girl that you will either love or hate. The girl who is not afraid to get in your face and tell you how I feel. I'm the girl that doesn't say no on a night out or having fun just because there is work tommorow. The girl that can spend hours just swinging on a swing set and talking about life. The girl that will do something just because you told her not to and push the limits just to see how far she can go. I'm the girl that was always attatched to something artisit. A pecil, a paintbrush. Anything. The girl that felt at home with paint covered hands and stained clothes. I'm the girl that will make you laugh and will also make you so angry you will question never talking to me again. I'm the girl that will never be like anyone else you will ever meet.

I see it coming

Lately I've been doing a great deal of thinking. The conclusion that I've came to is who here really knows me? I'm sure some people can list of a number of random facts about me but I'm talking something more then that. Someone who doesn't need to wonder why I do the things I do or act the way I do. That doesn't need to question when I do something to others would seem totally out of character. To them, they would understand. To them, it would just be me.

So the question still stands, who here really knows me. The answer to that is nobody really. I have nobody here that truly knows me in and out. And do I even have anyone anywhere that knows me the way I want to be known? I talk and I talk but there really isn't a specific person who is just there for me no matter what. Who would understand me and wouldn't question it. I had it. I used to have it and then she turned her back on me and took me out of her life. And the truth is I miss her. And I miss it. I miss feeling like she was my sister, like she was part of my family. I could tell her anything and I wouldn't have to worry about how she would react or that she would go blab it to everyone else and my morning everyone would know. We could just stay up laying in bed and just talk about our lives. It was easy. She was my person. She knew me. She knew the me that nobody really knows. I wish I understood the reasoning behind her choice. Or at least she had the decency to tell me goodbye but I should be used to it. People walk out on my life all the time.

Speaking of walking out of my life. I think that's becoming the theme for my life. Abandonment. Well, maybe that's a little strong of a word but it's just so easy for people to walk away from me and out of my life. It goes back as far as I can remember.

1. My father: I don't really know much about this whole situation. I mean, I've never met him. Well, at least met him when I was old enough to have memories of him and to acknowledge who he was. From what I was told he left before I was 6 months old. I was just a baby and he knew even then that he didn't want anything to do with me. I get it, I get the whole being only 17 or so years old and not wanting a child but I was his. Apparently I look exactly like him . He made me and I was his responsibility and he'd rather run off and do whatever he did. Maybe he went to be with my half sister, who knows. I think that saddest part of this all is that I will never get a chance to meet him. I will never know him or who he was. I will never be able to see his face and see parts of me in it. There will never be coffee and catch ups. Nobody will ever be able to tell me that I got my smile from him. And I will never have anything more of him then a stolen picture of him on a bike.
   
2. My mother: When I was 12 she decided that she would rather have a boyfriend then me. A guy that she hadn't even known for a year and that was 6 or 7 years younger then her. Not even too much older then I was but she decided that she would rather have him then me. So she packed up her stuff and left me with my grandma. I don't really understand how after 12 years you can just up and decide that you are done with being a mother. I really don't. However, I can see where she is coming from. I stole away her innocence and her childhood but she planned me. She tried to get pregnant and she wanted me. At 14, she wanted me so what had changed? There was gaps up to likely a year where I didn't see or hear from her. She wouldn't try to come see or or try to talk to me or anything. She simply acted as if I didn't even exist. And in all honesty that's pretty hard to do when you are living in a city the size of Red Deer. She simply gave up on me and started her new life.

I'll continue this later, right now... I just can't even think about this anymore.

like the back of my hand

You don't deserve it, so GIVE IT BACK!
Just give it back because I can't do it anymore.
I can't settle for something less.
I can't be okay with the way things are.
So give it back okay?
Give me what I deserve or give it back.

Driveways, drive aways

There is someone out there that could make me happy. I'm talking that giggling, cheesy smile, cherish every minute happy. Not just content happy. I know there are numerous guys that could make me happy. And me, I'm too naive to notice what's right in front of me. I'm too busy clinging onto the posibilities only avaliable in my head to even register what I am doing to myself. I pass them by because I am lost in my own world of false hope set off by a string of kind words and false terms of enderment. I'm like a junkie so strung out by the momentary high on the moment. I'm high off the imaginary connections I am forming. I'm addicted. I'm addicted to the high. I'm sorry.

Give me hope

Oh man, I can't believe how sick I am and how it just sort of hit me. My throat is raw and all my glads and what-nots are all swollen and hurting. My head feels like it weighs only about a thousand pounds and aches. I'm so congested and I can't stop sneezing. I'm pretty sure I'm running a fever and my body is trying to reject my piercings. I'm bruised and battered from over a week ago and still not healing. My skin is super pale and there's no life in my face. My eyes look tired and surrounded by bags. I can hardly breathe and my stomach is all upset. So, I'm pretty much a straight up mess right now. Work should be fun tommorow. Best birthday present ever.

Rearrange Beds

I care, I care a great deal. I just have a horrible way of showing it. I care about how people are feeling, about what's going on in their lives, about how their day is going and everything else. I care but somehow it ends up falling short. I talk a little too much about myself and forget to ask questions and to put myself out there for people. I worry about me and my life and my problems and I forget that other people may need me too. And if they don't need me then at least they know that I am there, in case they do, in case they change there mind, or just to have that feeling and knowledge that I am there. This whole caring business is a juggling act that I can't seem to master. On one end of the spectrum there I am, selfish, needy and looking out for number one. On the other is the me that cares only about others. That's self-less and giving and would drop anything, do anything, try anything to make peoples lives a little bit better. I need to somehow find this middle ground. I can remember back to even a couple months ago when I was told that I need to worry more about me then everyone elses problems I carried around on my back. Well I lifted that weight and now, well I feel selfish. I was basically told that I'm a selfish bitch and only talk about myself. I think I'm starting to realize that but in a way that's how I deal with things. I'm the kind of person that needs to talk things over, to complain and bitch and cry and just be a general sore on society and then I'm fine. I'm good afterwards but other people aren't always like that and don't understand. It comes off intense and a burden that I wouldn't want to put into other people but I do with no limit. I'm open to anyone that will listen. So now I think I need to pull back and believe in the ways I once had. Believe that everything happens for a reason, that things will work out and if not, then it's not the end but the beginning of something else. I know I need to change and become more like that old person who was positive and believed in something more then living day to day. I can't be this cynical selfish person who's bitterness pours out constantly. I have to make a conscience dissicion to be nicer and clear my head of all these pointless stressors. I need to stop caring so much about my life and how's it's going to end up. But at the same time I need people to notice this change and be appreciative of all the things I do and how much I put myself out there. Or else all this, all these thoughts and motivation and change, it's just going to go down the drain.

Yeah, I get it now.

So, I'm officially legal everywhere. No bigs or anything. I was expecting my birthday to bomb but really it was pretty epic. I had a really, really good night. I absolutly love my friends that I have here. I know that I may not see them that often, and I might not have that many but when it matters they follow through. And what more can you ask for? I can't think of anything.

And is it just me or do I always somehow manage to fuck things up when they are going good? It's like I have to self sabatoge my own happiness. I hope it all works out. I don't want to lose that part of my life.

Didn't We Almost Have It All?

"I have every reason to go, and, and, and yeah I´m scared, and yeah this is moving at warp speed, and yeah I´m freaking out...Look I have every reason to go back to my life and I will, unless you..., I´m asking you to give me a reason to stay here, a reason from you..."

Click Clack

I needed to cry. I knew that watching that movie would make me cry and I watched it anyways. So yeah, I think I needed to cry. Thank you Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, you succeeded.

Heat Vents

I don't like sleeping alone. =(

Threshold

I'm happy but it feels like something is missing. Yet I can't figure out exactly what is making it feel incomplete.

Day3.

Isn't it just absurd that I miss my old place? It feels like I'm playing sleepover here and I kind of just want to go home.

Statements

I laugh too much and almost always at the wrong times. I don't know when certain topics are appropriate or not and I can promise half the things I say will shock you. I will cross the line. I will make you angry and you will likely hate me. I'm indecisive and always changing. I can't do stability. I can't fully commit because I don't ever know what I want. I'm moody and bitter. I will likely hurt you and not even mean to. But this is me. So take it or leave it.

Sure type thing

It's okay darling, commitment isn't "your thing".

The point.

If you be my star, I'll be your sky. You can hide underneath me and come out at night. When I turn jet black and you show off your light.I live to let you shine.I live to let you shine. But you can skyrocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy. Far from here with more room to fly. Just leave me your stardust to remember you by. If you be my boat, I'll be your sea. A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity. Ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze. I live to make you free. I live to make you free. But you can set sail to the west if you want to. And past the horizon till I can't even see you. Far from here where the beaches are wide. Just leave me your wake to remember you by. If you be my star, I'll be your sky. You can hide underneath me and come out at night. When I turn jet black and you show off your light. I live to let you shine. I live to let you shine. But you can skyrocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy. Far from here with more room to fly. Just leave me your stardust to remember you by, stardust to remember you by.

11:11

I'm a strong believer that everything in life is set out for you ahead of time. Everyone you are supposed to meet, you will. Every person that is in your life is there for a reason. Every choice you make leads to where you are supposed to be. I think the reason why I believe this so strongly is because I'm conscience enough, know my thoughts and feelings so in depth, that I know when certain connections with people are made for a specific reason. To put this more clearly I've been in the postion many times when I met someone and instantly knew that something was going to be there. It's so intense of a feeling. It's as if something triggers in the mind that sets off this rough vision of what the future will entail with this person. It's so hard to describe and to put into words. It's as if some things just fall into place. It works all too well, effortless almost. Certain pinpoints or circumstances arrise where there is no other way to live other then you believe it's meant to be for whatever reason. I think this is the first time that I've almost wished that it wasn't true. But too many things add up. From the first meeting, to knowing absolutly obscure song lyrics that should be unknown and a list to continue on from there. Don't you think it means something that I have everything he needs. I've known what to say, what to offer, what to help with. I have what you need but it's not enough for you to notice that it's not just me pushing me to you. Isn't that enough?

Over the edge.

Seriously I can't believe I'm blogging about this but lately it's all I can think about. All I want right now is to orgasm, that's all. I mean I don't think it's that much to ask for. Just one. Just once. Just so I know what it's like. Okay.. I wouldn't be okay with just once. I want to have it all the time. Every time. More then once. Is that selfish? I don't think so. I mean I should have by now. I want to so bad. I don't think anyone understands how bad. I'm the only one I know that hasn't and usually it doesn't bother me but right now that is all I want and I would be completely satisfied with life. I think it might happen, I don't know though. The last couple of times felt so close. So close that it was devestating not to just be able to topple over and do what most normal people do. Arrgghhh I just want to now. Why isn't it that easy? I need this fixed now, help?

Punching Bags

Please come move back.


I just miss you.

And counting.

The List

1. I can't even afford to make ends meet.
   
2. I don't know if I can afford to move.
   
3. How can I afford to leave for 6 months if I don't even have anything saved yet.
4. What if I can't get a second job. I NEED a second job.
5. I don't know if I want to leave anymore.
6. What will I lose if I leave?
7. What will I miss out on?
8. I can't even speak basic french, how is this going to work?
9. What if I can't learn anything? What if I can't pick it up?
10. I don't want to be alone on my birthday.
11. I don't want to be let down on another birthday. I'll be 21 and I'm likely going to be alone.
12. I've been single for 9 months.
    
13. I'll be single for a year and a half when I get back.
14. I'm tired of being alone all the time.
15. I'm tired of being the only person who reaches out for anyone.
16. I'm tired of being the only one trying.
17. I just want my 'friends' to get a hold of me. To want to hang out with me. Is that too much to ask?
18. Maybe they aren't even my friends. I don't even know.
19. I hate how all I do is work. I work and then I'm alone.
20. I'm tired of hearing and seeing people and their relationships when I have nobody.
21. What if when I leave I don't get along with anyone?
22. What if nobody likes me there and I don't enjoy it.
23. It's not like I'd have the money to just up and leave.
24. Oh man, I'm crying at Starbucks.
25. Why can't anyone from Calgary want me around and miss me?
    
26. I don't know what he wants from me.
    
27. I don't want to always wonder what it means. OR what I want OR what it could be.
28. I don't want to think about OR miss OR want. I just want to be happy.
29. I miss my best friend, but I guess we arn't best friends anymore.
30. I wish I wasn't so easy to forget.
    
31. 4 months and it doesn't even matter to you.
    

Two Choices

I live my life through the eye's of Grey's Anatomy. I'm so addicted that some might see it as a problem. It gives me hope. It breaks my heart. It gives me situations that I can relate way too easily and too close to. Lately I'm Merideth. I have my Finn. He's always stable and certain. His choice has been made and he knows that I'm broken and scary and have a history but he's okay with that. He has the right things to say and ready whenever I need him. He's always there and has plans. He has plans that include me. But I can't let myself be a part of them. I also have my Derek. And I wish that he wasn't my Derek. Like Finn said, Derek isn't right. He's going to hurt me. But for some reason I can't get him out of my head. I can't let him go. He can do whatever he wants, he can hurt me time and time again and I can't let go. I can't and I want to. But he's my Derek. And he wouldn't even understand what that means.

Pee Ess

Oh and new thought:

Why would I want to leave when I have everything I need right here?

motercyle

Drinking on a Wednesday, why, yes I will. =)

Time

"You are looking at me. And you watch me. And Finn has plans. I like Finn. He's perfect for me, and I'm really trying here to be happy, and I feel like I can't breathe. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that, so just stop!"

City Traffic

This house is the house of change. Nothing is stable and nothing is secure. Each day you wake up and there is something new, something different, something that has changed. Things come and go. Objects are birthed and laid to rest. Items are moved, replaced, thrown out or changed. Each day brings something new. It would drive some people insane. People come and go. Days bring the arrival of new faces, old faces, faces you'll never see again. Times where the house is filled with life and others where it seems like everyone has abandoned ship but myself.

Circulation

Someone once told me that the last person you think of before you go to sleep is the person that means the most to you. But what if you can't think of just one person? What if it's always multiple people every night. Because when my head hits the pillow I don't just fill my head with thoughts of one, but the thoughts of many. People that I had known a long time ago, almost as if it were a different life. People I thought I knew, that felt like family at one time but now it seems like forever ago. People I thought I'd never lose touch with. People who probably don't think of me even once a day. People who make my heart ache and make it impossible to sleep. But that's always my last thoughts. So what does that mean?

In my dreams

There are things I can't write on here. I need to write and I can't write on here. Isn't that funny because isn't that what this is for?

Seriously Extended

I leave in 118 days and I'm in a rut.
I'm in a rut and I can't get out.
I don't know how to get out and I leave in 118 days.
Does that even make any sense?
I can't think but I think too much.
I'm always thinking but I'm not getting anywhere.
I'm always tired but I don't sleep.
I'm always tired but I can't sleep.
I have so much time but I can't make time.
I waste time.
I waste time.
I waste time.

Took her away

That was a nice midweek afternoon shot. =)

Fireflies & Moths

I still only sleep on one side of my bed.
I have, what, like a queen sized bed and I sleep on my side.
Isn't that funny?


Or maybe it's a little sad. I don't know how to deal with being tender and girly. I don't do it very well. I'm not used to it. But that's what you made me. That's how you make me. And it's pointless.

So tonight I'm sleeping in the middle.

Power Outtage

"In my head I replay our conversations
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations
You know me? I love to lose my mind
And every time anybody speaks your name I still feel the same
I ache, I ache, I ache inside."

biggest fan

hmmppffhhh, my house makes me sad

I got my words.

Dave The Brave says:
i miss you too
your fucking awesome, dont ever forget it
` lisamarie. says:
thanks hun. i wish you were still here.
Dave The Brave says:
i just wish i had you.

try

I'm bitter. When did that happen? I'm bitter and resentful and angry and full of all these pent up emotions that are just ready to spill out. I'm bitter because it seems like anytime I care about someone or get any sort of attachment to people they let me down. Weither it be intentional or not. I'm good at what I do though. I brush it off, put on this act like it doesn't hurt. Like I don't miss these people, that I'm not breaking down inside. So convincing that people don't even notice. All that can be seen is a slight more measure of bitterness. Truth is, nobody really looks too into bitterness. I can't even write down the words to get it out or to say whats on my mind. I don't even know what to say.

I guess you could call him the worst cut. The deepest of them all. I know that's not what he would have wanted. And wouldn't have been his intention at all but this one hurt the worst of all. Over a year later and something so simple as walking down the street can bring my breathing to unease. I remember the last time I seen him like it was yesterday. Like that movie said 'it's been 6 years but it feels like she just went out to the store to pick up something and will be back any minute'. He was wearing that stupid little hat that I hated. His face never suited hats. Or maybe I'm just not a hat person. But he was wearing it, like he always was. I looked over and saw his silver car at the red light. Slumped back in his seat relaxed as if the car was an extension of him. In a way I guess it was. That car was as major a part of his life as any. He looked over with a look on his of slight recongnition and disbelief. The encounter was brief as the light turned green and he drove off. It's still such a weird concept to wrap my head around. That that was the last time I saw him. That I will ever see him.

I just got the worst case of deja vu. It's supposed to mean that this is exactly where you are supposed to be. I can't believe that this is the case.

tell me what you need

Leaving to do better or running away from my problems?
I'm not really too sure.

computer humming

I'm trying to convince myself of a number of things.
I try to convince myself that I'm not lonely and that I have everything I could want.
I try to convince myself that my life is on track and that this is where I want to be.
I try to convince myself that I'm not scared to death of leaving.
I try to convince myself that I'm grown up and that I'm okay living on my own.
I try to convince myself that I'm okay being by myself.
I try to convince myself that I know what I want.
I try to convince myself that I don't miss him being around and that there isn't a void that still hurts.
I try to convince myself that he meant nothing to me and that I'm okay with it.
I try to convince myself that I'm okay leaving.
I try to convince myself that I'm okay.

Where'd you go?

I can't breathe. It feels like my throat is closing. I can feel the panic setting in. My heart is racing. My hands are tingling. My arms are going numb. Why do I care so much? Why now does this affect me?

And you are lovely tonight.

I want Joshua Radin to be my wedding song. Pretty much any of his songs.

His songs make me want to be in love.

Lovely Tonight

Does any of us really know where we belong or where we are going? Is everyone just as lost and torn about every choice in life? Life is short, so unbelievably short. Days blurr together and after a while years don't feel like that long anymore. So how do you know if you are on the right path or not? How do you know if you are doing what you are meant to do or if you made the right choice? It feels like you never know until you take the time to look back and break down your life and by that time its too late and the damage has been done. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I belong or where this path in life will bring me. I don't know what I want right now or even what I want tomorrow. I don't know what I will want a year down the road or even the person I will be a year from today. I don't know what life will bring for me or if I will look back on my life and count my regrets. I don't know if the choices I make now are choices that will haunt me forever but at least I know that I am trying. I am doing something. I am taking chances and making choices. I am trying. I can fully admit that. At least I'm trying. And I'm scared. Scared out of my mind. I'm afraid of success. I am afraid of failure. I'm afraid of where this will bring me. I'm afraid what this will cross out. I'm afraid of what I will miss out on. I'm afraid of what it will lay out ahead of me. But isn't that life? And I'm trying and I will keep trying. I'm exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I don't remember a time that I was this emotional but when I go to bed at night I can heartfully say that I'm giving it what I can and I'm working towards something. At least I'm trying. And that's all anyone can ask of me.

Hold Tight.

Someone come clean my room.



It's like a train wreck in here and I can't seem to find the energy to do anything except read tfln and watch Grey's Anatomy.

Song for noone.

I'm afraid to admit this but, I think I'm falling for the memories of you.

American Cunt

And on day 7 I crashed.

But read that in the voice of the guy from the Teenagers in the song Homecoming.

Cutes

Somehow I'm leading someone else's life I cut a star down with my knife And right now I still see the way the moon Plays this tune Though our lights died. My hands shake My knees quake It's every day The same way. Cos then came you. Then there's you. I keep your picture In my worn through shoes. Then there's you. Then came you. When I'm lost, I look at my picture of you. And somehow I'll make tonight our own I'll show you every way I've grown Since I met you And right now I'll be the boy in your next song I'll learn the parts and play along If you let me. My hands shake My knees quake It's every day The same way. Cos then came you.Then there's you. I keep your picture In my worn through shoes. Then there's you. Then came you. When I'm lost, I look at my picture of you. If you let me, I'll show the world to you. Yes, if you let me, I'll know just what to do. Cos then came you. Then there's you. I keep your picture In my worn through shoes. When I'm lost In your eyes I see the way for me

Raindrops.

"You were like coming up for fresh air. It was like I was drowing and you saved me. That's all I know."

Keep your memories warm.

Oh wowza, so much change is happening lately and I couldn't be any happier.
Things are seriously falling into place and it's about time.
I love my job.
I love the girls I work with.
I love my friends.
I love my future plans.
I love whats happening to me.
I love this city.
Le sigh, even through all the drama I can still look on the bright side and put a huge smile on my face.
I can't believe it's all happening now. I hope these next 4 months fly by.
So much to do, so much to do. I couldn't be any more excited or any more nervous. But good nervous.
Oh and I talked to him again. It felt so natural for him to call me at 2 in the morning and for us to talk for almost 3 hours.
I mean, it should be awkward but it's not in the slightest and that makes me really happy.
I guess like the song goes 'it's funny what you miss, it's funny what you don't'.

Oh and get yo dick on dances and free crave cupcakes. I could see this working out perfectly for me.
Like she said, it's meant to be.

Too young.

It stared off with me just wanting to know that he was okay. I just needed to make sure he was fine and doing good. That life was going his way, that he was happy now. That his life was on track or on the way of getting there. But, now.. I'm not too sure. I feel different. I think he made me stop and look at my life in perspective. I can't remember who I was then. I don't remember that Lisa. That naive, innocent, honest and pure Lisa. It's so unreal how 2 years can change a person. 2 years, yet some days it feels like yesterday. Just talking to him today made it feel like just yesterday. It felt like it was completely normal to talk to him and it's not over a year we are catching up on. At least the beginning of the conversation. I don't know. I'm at a loss for words. I want so much just to go back to the way things were those days. Back when I had ambition. I wrote all the time and drew and painted and.. just created in general. Where did I lose that? That was what made me, well.. me. Now who am I? I want to go back to stupid puppy love and not know what it feels like to get my heart ripped out repeatidly. Back to cute innocence. Hand holding innocence. Cuddling on the c-train and being scared of the city. I don't know when I lost my fear. The city just feels like a playground to me, my own backyard. Nothing unusual and frightening. It doesn't seem that big anymore. I miss it feeling big, I feel like I've already conquoured this place. I want to go back before everyone started dying. Back to appreciate the precious moments with people. Cherish the connections. Say what needed to be said. I think all this death has made me bitter and harsh to the real world. It changed my outlook on life in a negative way. I want to go back and change the words I said. Take away the hurt and bitter resentment I left on him. I feel in a way responsbile for his life being the way it is now. I started him down that slippery slope. I just couldn't have imagined what I said to him could affect his life so much. Best friends he called us. Best friends who just walked out on the other ones life and wasn't to be heard of again. I guess I'm not that great of a best friend. I feel like a horrible person. Maybe I've waited too long. Maybe it's too late to make it feel okay again. I don't think he's okay, and well to be honest maybe I'm not okay either. Maybe we both arn't okay. On the phone I was all happy and giddy talking about life and what I've done and been up to and then the phone is placed to the side and I'm just overcome with feelings of guilt and shame. I mean, who have I become? I seriously need to sit down and figure my stuff out. Get real goals in life, go somwhere and become something. These goals of becoming a drunk and all this stuff arn't who I am. I feel like I've been given a second chance and so far I'm not doing too good at it. After Bryan died my life just sort of plummited. Since when did I have such a huge potty mouth? Since when did I smoke? Since when did I do drugs or approve of drugs or anything? I've become such a hyprocrite about that. I was the anti drug of high school. I stayed away and didn't talk to people because they did drugs. And now look at me, saying I want to develope a slight drug problem. That's not who I am. I lost myself bad. I don't know why it took this to figure it all out. Since when did I hide my emotions and was afriad of putting them out there? Is it so hard to tell someone that you miss them? Because it is a struggle for me. I think talking to him what exactly what I needed to get a wakeup call in life. I need to set alot of things straight with people. I need to get who I was back again. I think this is going to be my first goal. I need to make things right with him.

i tell others.

its okay. cause i hardly ever sleep alone.
so i guess the burn is on you.

moon man

I mean who doesnt want swine flu?
who i tell you?
who?
jesus, thaats who.
only jesus.
and are you jeuss?
i think not.
fuck you and your fucking free ice cream

sqeeeek

oh booo fucking whoooo
how about you cry and whine some more about your vagina constantly bleeding.
or let me know when you relalize a good thing when it hits you in face.
if not bleed somewhere else.

Don't forget.

Happy birthday babe, I can't belive I'm gonna make it to 21 and you didn't.
You'd be 22 today but you will always be that immature 20 year old in my heart.

Prime Time.

I miss the invisible bears. I miss the unicorn house of love. I miss ACAD. I miss glass class. I miss the huge boat. I miss grinding to Brittney Spears in Sev. I miss drinking on a week day at 2 in the afternoon. I miss watching porn in my living room. I miss my roommates walking in on watching porn in the living room. I miss Wednesday night Metal night. I miss the boys. I miss the girls. I miss midweek weekends. I miss Wilbur and the nameless cat. I miss the BackAlley and preBackally photoshoots. I miss the Vat. I miss trips to the Botanical Gardens. I miss MTV nights. I miss SNTC marathons. I miss the glowing hill. I miss blocked off KFC drivethroughs. I miss booter's fees. I miss week long visits. I miss cheesy notes left on my pillow. I miss trips to the park. I miss driving 2 hours just to dress up like a pirate. I miss dancing on the speakers. I miss playing dressup and our dressup closet. I miss girl nights. I miss drinking at OJs. I miss the French Maid. I miss late night drives from Red Deer to Calgary. I miss blaring Eve 6 and almost dying. I miss Canada Day at Princess Island Park. I miss my balcony. I miss my closet of belongings. I miss late night conversations. I miss all night conversations. I miss my best friend. I miss my friends. So give me a break if I don't know what I want. This is what I want.

Lump of sugar.

I don't feel right. Life right now feels off. Maybe it's because I called into work at then woke up at 1. That could be it. I don't do that anymore. That's not me. Maybe it's the fact that I was so out of it last night. My trains of thoughts were more like a train wreck. Piles and piles of rubble and self destructing thoughts.

I fell asleep feeling off, just like I do now. My room didn't feel right. Too big, too dark, too.. something. I felt like a there was a spotlight on me playing up exactly how out of place I felt. Every creek sounding like someone behind me. Normal household sounds warped into warning calls telling me that someone was coming. I couldn't tell you exactly when I fell asleep but it wouldn't have mattered because those feelings continued on. Daydreaming into nightmares that I couldn't be scared over. I don't think that could make sense to anyone but me. A nightmare without any fear. But it's true, I think I lost that sense of fear. My dreams filled with images of a movie set which is ironic alone because my first thought in this house is that it feels like it should be in a movie. The actors pan out, play their roles and then everything becomes a mess. Someone on set isn't right. A murderer, a killer, a stalker... A day in the set becomes a day of hell when pictures of the girl sleeping appear. A little too out of place, a little too close for comfort. He has been stalking her, watching her every move and waiting for the moment. The angles are discouraging. Something feels a little too real but I can't be afraid. I remember before bed laughing to myself thinking this is my life. Haha, this is my life.

I'm sure I'm right about you. I've got it all figured out. I was right, but then again I don't know why that surprises me. I am always right. I guess I was just holding out. Reaching for that small glimmer of hope. I miss how it was. How it used to be. Things were different then, better by far and innocent. That innocence is lost. It's been gone for a while now. Everythings been gone for a while now. Except I am still left standing here, naive, holding on. Holding out. Waiting for the day that everything will magically become the way it was. But like I've stated. It's gone. Long gone and I look stupid waiting for something that will never happen. It could have been something, something... I don't know. It just could have been SOMETHING. But I don't cross your mind until the alcohol sets in or the loneliness sets it. It's not the same. It's not the same.

Powerlines.

I'm a relationship person. I know that. I've known that for a long time but I wish deep down that I wasn't. I want to be okay being alone. Okay with just something casual, something that I know won't lead anywhere and nothing will come of it. A summer fling, a toss aside... I don't know. Something. But there will always be that burning desire to make that simple something into something more complicated. Couples frustrate me because I know that's what I don't have. I don't have someone to hold hands in the grocery store with. I don't have someone who wants to go for walks or be seen in public even. I don't have someone to go for breakfast with and hold hands over the table. Yet I see these people and these couples every day and I hate them for the simple fact that they have what I want. They have what I don't have.

bonjourrrr!

Sundy, sundy sundy. Interesting day that's for sure. Sunday= day of revelations, realizations and epiphanies. Which pretty much are all the same thing but I just wanted to sound SUPER SMART! So where to start, hmmm.

I think I stopped giving a shit. About life in general really. About all the things I used to care about or stress about. Some time last week when I had one of my awesome freakout sesh's where I paniced to the point that I was bawling and couldn't catch my breath I must have snapped and hit an off switch somewhere. Because now I'm just going with the flow. I could care less if you don't feel the need to text me back. So what, you say you are going to come for the weekend and ditch. Who cares that I don't talk to you all day and I'm sure I know exactly what you want from me. That's life. I'm not gonna fret over the smallest details anymore.

So party Lisa wants to come out. I think it's about time. I decided that it's totally normal to want to go to college just so I can get fully loaded and almost flunk out right? I'm pretty positive that is the main reason people go to college in the first place. Education can't be that important. Well, lol that sounds stupid but people go, get shitter'd all the time, sleep around and bust there asses so they have the most wicked memories to look back on. I need to start a story with "So my first college threesome.." or something around those lines. Again that sounds horrible but I'm being honest. I just want to have a slight alcholism problem again, not being sort of tipsy off a beer. I think textsfromlastnight is just a horrible horrible influential site. I read all the texts and I'm just like I COULD BE THAT GIRL! I mean I am in my prime years, I should be getting drunk and using up the best parts of my liver. I don't need it right now anways right?

On that note, it's totally legit to want to sleep with your ex's and such again right? You know, just for like old times sake? Just one more time for the books. Haha or so I can compare to what it was like before. Like a chance to redeem themselves? Holey ego, but really I've had so much bad sex that it's almost like I never gave them a chance in hell of going anywhere with it. I could have seriously bruised some egos.

I can't beleive I just wrote this all down, hahaha. My life is such a joke.

I hear it every day.

I think the title of this blog should be things that are awesome about today. And go:

1. Waking up and finding out your toothbrush is missing. Aweome and also creepy. I don't know who wants to use my dirty old toothbrush or what kind of kicks they get by doing whatever they are doing with it but not cool. NOT COOL!
2. Getting threatened for the second time this week to get fired. Both for things that I wasn't even doing. This one has to be pushing for the favourite position. First you cut my hours, then tell me I'm slacking at my job. Hmmm I wonder why, maybe because I have no motivation because I never know when I'm gonna work next or even where I'm gonna work. I'm so over Nellie's.
3. Random creepy 40 year old guy currently lurking around my house. You do not live here so why are you here and NEVER LEAVE? Oh and I really greatly enjoy the fact that you think it's okay to use my stuff in the bathroom. Trust me, I love throwing away 10$ on my shampoo, another 10$ on my conditioner and then 3$ for each bar of soap just so you can use it. Please, go right ahead. Not only are you freeloading but also directly wasting my money so that makes my day just right up there. I bet you have something to do with my toothbrush too. And the toothpaste on the toilet seat, counter and wall. Because I know when I brush my teeth I have a hard time not getting it everywhere. At least try to be discrete about it when you are clearly using things that aren't yours.
   

That is all for now. I can feel more coming though.

Like maybe. uh huh.

And then I went TO TOWN on that pussy.




Hahaha, don't even ask.

Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.

Oh gosh, textsfromlastnight.com makes my entire life.
It also makes me want to be come a slight alchoholic again.
Bad thing? I'm not sure.

This I won't.

I'm torn. I'm confused. I'm lost and uncertain but I'm not unhappy. Not today. I've figured out some thing. Answered some questions that were tumbling around in my head. Easy solutions that were kind of right in front of me that whole time. I don't want to work at Cosmic anymore. I don't think I can handle it for a number of reasons. I can't be at a job where I'm constantly zoning out and glaring. I can't do it, that's not me. Or at least not the person I want to be. I can't deal with being yelled at for no reason and going home bitter and angry. It's just not worth it to me. I can't do it. I'm not an angry person. That job makes me one. I don't want to be on the patio and glare across the street. I'm not that person. So I think I may be done there. I'm gonna talk to someone about it and see if I can purely work at Little and then maybe move down to part time and get another job. I'll need the extra cash. I need it right now anyways. I can't even think to write right now. Maybe I'll try this again tomorrow.

Smiles at the moon

I want to be mature and grounded. I want a constant schedule and routine. I want to start my mornings on a high note and having tons accomplished not just dragging myself out of bed and to work every morning. I want to learn french. I want to go for a run or do yoga every morning. I want to organize my life a little better, shop a little bitter and know my money situation a little better. I want to know that each day I'm working towards something better and that I'm always one step ahead of myself. I want to start a compost and get a legit recycling thing for this house. I want to make the kitchen usable and then use it way more often. I want to get cool jars and containers to keep my food in. I want to eat healthier and better. I defiantly need a second job and to figure out how to get my money and such in order. How much I need to survive, what can go to what?

What day is it anyways?

Things are looking up but I still miss you.
What's up with that?

Coffee shop blues.

So I'm allergic to something around me. I don't know what it is but I know that I'm allergic. My head feels like it's about a hundred pounds and I can hardly breathe. Which is weird saying I never have allergic reactions to anything. But yet here I am, being super trendy sitting in Starbucks and I can't stop sneezing. I should just go home but I'm addicted to the stability of the Internet and the feeling of being out and about in the city. I should go home. But I can't. I came here with all the good intentions I could muster up. I was set on figuring out where I'm going but now that I'm here and have exhausted my resources I'm not sure where this path leads. I feel like I haven't gotten any further then I was when I first sat down. It's a shame. I think I'm afriad of taking the next step so I'd rather feel lost and hopeless. The way I look gets in the way of what I want. Or at least I let it. If I only looked like everyone else then I could get to where I want to be. At least in my mind the seems to be true. I just can't allow myself to get dressed in the morning and blend into everyone else. A blend of pattern, how ironic. I'm just forcing myself too much, obviously I'm not ready for where I need to be. It's just one step at a time, work at one thing that makes me happy and then move onto the next. I don't know where I'm going with that.

That's life.

Last night I was thinking, all I wanted was for things to stay exactly the same. I didn't want more time. I didn't want you to change the way you were or for me to change the way I was. I didn't want any more or less of anything to be honest. All I wanted was to know that you were mine and mine only. That you felt the same way I did. That's all I wanted. But life has a way of complicating such simple things and changing them into some convoluted mess, where words have different meanings and true intentions don't come across. I'm done fretting over it. Everything happens for a reason. I think I know this one.

You'd Rather Run

Run your fingers through your hair
Let's pick up from where we left off
Call all your friends, announce the new victory
Once you were sweet to me, knock it off

The music doesn't move you, doesn't soothe you
Doesn't prove you're worth a dime
You work 'round the clock, watch it tick and tock
But this isn't your time
Move over son, it's my turn to shine

Was there ever a moment
One small slice in history
When I took you seriously?
When your belt and your shoes
Did not announce your poor taste so fearlessly?
'Cause that's news to me

And you can forget it, I get it
I just don't let it get to me
I regret to inform I do not fret or mourn
The way things used to be
It's all in the past now, it's all gone

And the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away

The songs he writes are for "dad"
The true love lost 'fore he ever had
If stories begun "If father loved son"
We wouldn't be feelin' so bad
But doesn't everyone?

And it's not that I hate you
I never loved you enough to hate you
To get even or mad so as not to seem sad
Just seems ungrateful
'Cause really, I am thankful I'm sad

Maybe we're the same unabashed and unashamed
Then again, I dunno where you came from
You keep carvin' out names
First Jamie then James
And I can't keep up to restrain you
How come?

We two came together for worst and for better
It's true
And the weather is clever
But she's not the only one getting over you
It's me, too

And the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away

My god, it's no fun to watch you play dumb
With your ugly hand on her thigh
And she's nervous too, but politeness eschews
The impulse to finger deny
Plus, your girlfriend's a spy

And what would she think to look up from her drink
And find you in your sad little vest tryin' hard to undress
The girls you sat down next to?
She'll think nothing
She'll be thinking of you

I'm glad I don't know the places you go
I'm glad for you and for them
Let's be discreet if we are to meet on Ludlow ever again
Don't mention Ben

It's funny what you miss, it's funny what you don't
I've thought it all through, the potential to fondly reminisce is this:
I won't

And the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away

Don't say we got along
That's remarkably wrong
It doesn't suggest or imply
The thing about us you don't dare discuss
We never got along famously, we just tried

I tried to be good, I tried to be gracious and kind
But working with you has done nothing but prove a total waste of time
'Cause the real curse is your mind

Sometimes at night I stare at the ceiling
And wonder what's wrong with me
To involve myself with people
Who don't know what my true feeling might possibly be

Who latch onto my strength like it's all they've got
It takes all of my strengths
And I go through such lengths
To show them it is not what they think they are stealing

And the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away

Yes, the only way into the sun is walking
But you'd rather run
You'd rather run away