So high, so high.

So I'm okay with everything. If I get this job then that's all that matters because why would I want to stay in a life that I'm not going to be happy in. I don't like drama. I've been around drama all my life and it's really just not doing me any good. I want to be happy and not forced happy because of false presumptions about things. I don't need to have my name thrown around like some kind of circus act because I know I'm a good person and I deserve better then that. I try to help people. I give them the benefit of the doubt and see the good in them. And really, some people are just not worth it and if you don't see what I'm trying to do then you don't deserve my time of day or the compassion I am willing to give to you. So yeah, take advantage of it. Do what you feel like you need to do and when I'm gone you will realize I'm gone because you're not going to meet someone like me again. And that's life. That's just it. That's life.

It rains alot this time of year.

I had a dream about you last night. It felt good to see your face. For a second when I woke up I thought I was laying in bed in my crackhouse with you. Turns out I'm just in an awkward situation nearing a deadend.

Mr Serious

Whoa axehead. Whoa.

summer skin

Thoughts of today:
one. Rug burn/bruises on knees may equal good night but it might also equal the most pain in the ass shower ever and having a hard time walking in tight pants.
two. Maybe something more is wrong with my leg. Can someone please tell me that it's normal to lose feeling in your hip and surrounding area on a regular basis. Because it's happening more then I would like and spreading down my leg. I don't want to wait it out like the doctor said.
three. I have 2 options. I can pull back. Act like this isn't a big deal. Act like it doesn't bother me and otherwise try to go on normally with life. Or I can jump into it and make it a bigger deal then it is. Right now I can't really decide which would be a better idea. I know the second option would most likely make things worse and start more drama but the thing is I'm trying to stand my ground and protect my liability. I did nothing to start this. I get drug into things because of people's insane insecurity and the inability to just move on and handle things like grown ups. So instead up pulling up there panties like real ladies do I get my name slandered and spread around. It would be so easy for me to drop so much down on this, make it explode out of control. Hurt people. Start drama. Go all Matulka. But for what? For what?
four. Smoke, water. Smoke, water. Smoke, water. How much can a body take? I guess I'll find out.
five. I could stay or I could go. I could make something here or I could turn up the white flag and walk away with some sense of dignity. I could try my hardest or I could keep going on the way I'm going with an end in sight. I could screw both me and her over because I'm scared and worried and stressed about the outcome of anything to do with life. I could do one of two things. Which one though?
six. Maybe she is right. Maybe that's all that it is. But yet a part of me hates to believe it. Maybe because if that's right then what else is right? I don't know why I care. I know what it can and can't be but I can't wrap my mind around what's right and what's wrong. I can't decide where to go and how I feel about anything. I want things to feel normal. And in some sense that aspect does but I don't know if it's just me or what it is. I don't even know and I have all these worries about it because I know me. People think they know me. They think that I have a heart of steel and that I'm cold and I can drop things without a second thought. And yeah from the outside that makes sense. I would see that too. But nobody sees what goes on in my head and the struggle I go through. Nobody sees that I do hurt and these things do keep me up at night. And I wonder and I worry and I hurt just like everyone else. Nobody sees me fall. Everyone always just sees me on both feet ready to tackle what's next. And maybe I'm just really good at playing that game. I'm good at my role. I can convince you that everything is good. Miss nobody. Need nobody. Care about nobody. If only that was the truth.
seven. Jealousy. Why?
eight. I can't help but to miss you and now that you are not around it makes things worse because I question everything. Everything you had said and everything that people say to me now. And I know that if you were here really what difference would it make? And the truth is, probably not much. I wish I could believe your words but I'm pretty sure it's all part of your game. And I'm just another one of your pawns in it. Either way I miss you. This city just reminds me of you. So I'll miss you and walk down the memory lane until, well until something. I don't know yet but something.
nine. I'm lonely. I don't like being alone but the thing is I'm not really ever alone. I don't think I've been alone for longer then maybe half an hour for the past week and I'm still lonely. Lonely in the aspect that there is usually a number 2 in my life. And right now I can honestly say there is no number 2. And the cuddling and kisses and whatever don't fill that void because it's a game. Just a game. And I don't want to play right now.

Everyday I see my dream

What's a good way to ask your friend if they heard you have sex last night? LOL

Zone

I'm not too sure how I feel about everything right now. For everything good there is something bad. I guess that's just life though. Things don't go as you expect them to. Plans change. People change. Times change. I'm back in my city but it doesn't feel like my city anymore.

Ciao bella.

1. The tree in front of my family home squeaks in the wind. It sounds like a combination of old wooden floors and swinging on a swing. Creepy yet beautiful.
2. I miss my dreads, alot. I wish I never brushed them out.
3. I hate my hair now. I guess that could work into 2, but I felt like it needed it's own section. So I think I might butcher it soon. It's not me. I'm not a real girl.
4. Hey body, you can stop hating me anytime now. I know I've been treating you like crap but I'm sorry. I can't really do anything else at the moment, but soon enough I'll treat you like a temple again. You'll see.
5. I miss you.

High Heels

Maybe things are going to work up. Come on sunshine, come brighten my day.

Grows a little colder.

A part of me wonders where I would be now. The relationships I could have formed. The drama I could have side-stepped. I know it's too late to admit that I may have made a mistake. But I'm afraid it's coming to the surface and I wake wondering where I would be right now, riddling my mind with the dilemmas I could have avoided. My days drag on with no meaning and no motion. I crave the comfort of routine and separated days. I miss the daily grind, the day in the day out. You wouldn't understand how a prison can become your comfort. How looking back you then realize what you had and who it could have made you. I hear their words in my head telling me not to and wanting to go back and tell them they were right. Where am I now? What am I doing now. The truth is nothing. Sitting and staring and losing all the progress I've made. Slipping back into the person I was growing to hate. Looking in the mirror questioning why I've turned into this. Not recognizing the changes made because they are fading along with everything else. It feels like time has sped up and instead of seconds feeling like hours it's now the reverse. And I'm all alone. Separated. I have no home and the place that feels like home won't be the same anymore. I left because I had outgrown that place, I wanted better for myself and now look at me. I'm following my footprints back to a place where the ghosts of my former self scatter the earth. I had a plan. I had dreams. And now what do I have? Can't anyone tell me what to do?

how I met your mom

So apparently feeling like a bad person just sort of fades away a certain point.

Bingo

New addiction: My Life As Liz. And oh god, cabin fever. Need to get out of the house. Need to go do something. Ahhh!

Stitches come undone

Oh my goodness. I need a smoke right now. Stat.

I would, I would, I would

Hmm, what to do? What to do? What to do?
Seems like once again I've gotten myself in a couple sticky situations.

Enter title.

I wonder if anyone were to read this if they would just assume my titles have nothing to with what I write about. Because to me they do. At least most of them. They connect to it. Sometimes only by a tiny tread and then sometimes by something I can't feel like putting down. Makes you wonder.

.

"I keep fighin' and I'm tryin' to get right in my mind Bryan"

11:11

I remember the way the sun would shine through the blinds leaving warm spots on the living room carpet. And how the dust would dance and glitter through the stream of light whenever it was stirred. I remember warm spring days with country music flowing from the living room as my grandma stood over the sink belting out the words she knew all too well. I love how off-keyed she sounded but that didn't matter cause you could feel her passion coming through. I remember running through the clouds of baby powder in the bathroom before bed. How it suffocated your breath instantly and will forever remind me of my grandma. I remember slow drives on winter nights as I stared out the window at the snail like tracks of delicate snow drifted behind the truck. And the country music again. Always the country music. I remember laying in the back seats of vehicles on the ride home from the grocery store or where-ever we were and memorizing the skyline. The tree's, the power lines, the tops of building and trying my hardest to figure out where I was without looking. I remember clearing off the kitchen counters so there was the most room possible to make homemade cinnamon buns. How I was more of a pain then an assistant but my mom let me help anyways. The smell of sweet yeast and savory spice. I remember playing under the willow trees on summer days. Days so beautiful that all you wanted to do was lay on the grass and listen to the way the wind played it's melody through each and every leaf. Or maybe by chance just watch the clouds float by on as you felt on top of the world on a hill that now seems to have shrunk by at least half. I remember days at the playground where if we swung high enough we felt like if we reached up we would be able to touch the tree branches. And if that wasn't close enough then we would all climb up our tree and just hang out and waste away our days. I remember trips to the Little Ice Cream and Soda Shop and how I had to stand on the steps just to see into the cases. How I'd look at every flavour one by one even though I knew them all by heart and would just choose the same thing every time. I remember how all those felt but I just can't feel them anymore so at 11:11, that's what I'll wish for.

seasons changed

It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling right now. It's always times like these where I need to write and get it out but nothing wants to come out. My thoughts want to stay tucked away in the darkest corners of my minds and nag me on. I'd like to say that I've done some growing up but putting that down might be too concrete of a thing to do because I'm not really sure. At times it feels like I've grown into me a little better. I understand the way I work, the way I want things, the way I let go of things and the way I hold on. I understand that sometimes you have to let go before you want to because in the end it will hurt less. I know now that maybe most of the problems do come back to me. Because I can't let go. Because I can't move on. Because maybe I don't know what's worth holding onto and what's not. I've got more in touch with who I really am and the aspects of me I can't change. At least not right now. And maybe I'm still a major work in progress. That eventually all the pieces will fit together. Even for a fraction of a moment and I can finally reveal what all this work was for. I know what can and can't be. In my mind that is. In my mind I'm pretty sensible. I can work things out and place those onto the reality of the situation. In my mind I know what's in reach and what I've been reaching towards for far too long. It's my heart that leads me astray. That part of me believes that anything can be possible. That if you love something or someone enough then it will change reality. Time can stop in a moment and change direction to give you what you want. In my heart I'm still that naive little girl that nobody really paid that much attention to. But the thing is even though I know what's possible and what's not I am still a dreamer. A believer that there is a chance that people can change. That situations will look up and become ideal. And maybe that's what crushing me right now. Because after all the so-called growing I've done a part of me is devastated at the thought of living in a place where your life will leave a giant void. With the past in the past and maybe a little in the present I don't want to be in a place like that. In some weird way the city brings people together. Paths collide and for that moment you can relive the past. Dwell on the moment when you were together in the city and it was nothing to do with coincidence. It's hard to picture life like that because even at the worst times I still was always waiting to run into you on the street. And I know soon enough that won't be a possibility. Because even at the times where I hate everything you have done to me and all the ways you've hurt me there's a moment where I see your face, or even just the back of your head and every angry part of me melts away. I wish people were more likely to take risks. To jump on the chances they had and to give love a chance. And maybe I'm just the worst hypocrite at practising what you preach.

NinePM

Can I just stop being sick now? I can't think let alone deal with this right now.

The Room

You say your "sorry's" and "thank you's".

You're not in the room.

Why can't the easter bunny bring me what I really want?

Card Games

What do you see when you look at me? Can you smell the lasting linger of stale smoke and restless nights? Is it the freckles; faded memories of long lost summers leaving there traces across my face? Or the blotched complexion leaving it's mark from the nervous compulsive face touching and the resting ground of another long day? Could you read into my eyes and decipher my inner feels of the day? Or would you be able to look deeper? See past imperfections and murky waters to reveal what's underneath? Could you tell me who I should be or what route my life should be taking? I know you'd try.

Page 1.

Alright, so I guess how else do you start a new adventure? Jump in balls deep with a new haircut. I hope it turns out alright or there goes 6 months or more of hair growth down the drain.