Worried shoes.

An horse and wanting to go home.

But where is home anymore?

Early mornings.

Welcome to hungover city. Population 3.

Last song.

You can't leave.
You can't leave.
Oh god, you can't leave.

Dynamite

His fingers trace in light circles around her belly button. She is sure he can feel the muscles tense under the delicate touch. He doesn't stop. She doesn't want him to. In his eyes she is beautiful. Perfect with flaws in tact. His touch tells a story of desire and of awe.

Bent.

Kisses on the head. Three way spooning. If he can't see it then he's not worth it.
This is all I need right now. You won't be around when I get back. But I won't be around either.

Titty bar.

Not going to lie. I'm like mad craving sex at like a 10/10 right now. It's pretty bad. If I don't do something about it soon I might actually go crazy.

Be poppin

Mac mac Loreal yep cause I'm worth it
Love's the way I puts it on so perfect
Wipe the corners of my mouth so I work it

Dirty dishes.

Week one.
Sexy Bitch reminds me of you.
I may miss you but I will not let you know.
Mind over matter and matter over mind.
It is all about the cards baby.

fak!

Soooo my camera is broken. Which is just awesome, 10 out of 10 for sure. And there is nothing really I can do about it. I'm frustrated. I can't even do anything about it because nobody speaks english and won't tell me anything to do. And I can't even speak proper english anymore. Oh my god!

Roses are red.

18's not too young to sleep with right?

Think with your puss not with your head!

We, we?

I'm not really too sure what to write right now. I have all these thoughts and ideas that I want to get down when I don't have access to a computer but right now I'm just tired and too reflective. I can hear most of my roommates downstairs right now, drunk or drunkish laughing it up and it kind of sucks that I decided to stay in tonight instead of going out. I'll probably end up regretting it like I usually do but I'm not really too sure right now. It just feels like I missed out on some more bonding with the group. We are pretty close already but I think I just got left out some. They asked me to go and I decided to stay instead and was going to practice my french but that didn't happen.

Maybe I should start more from the beginning and fill in with a bit more information. So Katimavik so far is not anything that I expected it to be. I expected it to be a bunch of douchey loser people that had no friends and we not into anything else or had nothing better to do but no. It's actually pretty much the complete opposite. At least the English speaking parts of the group. I haven't really talked much to the French ones. Mostly because I can't understand pretty much anything that they are saying. But really, we are all pretty much crazy and get along super well. On the first day all the English folk just stayed up and talked about partying and doing drugs and such. I mean really, how did I expect anything different. I'd get into it more but I think everyone is finally going to bed.

Je ne, help me understand.

I love my group and everyone in it and I want to be here. But when I look at pictures or go on facebook I miss home.

Stupid

Wow, this is so lame. I leave in the morning and nobody can even bother to be around me. Jenny and Tye are sleeping. Nobody is going to be at Matt's so I doubt that is even going to happen. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone in my family. I didn't get to say goodbye to any of my friends in Red Deer. I mean, what's the point? Maybe I should just call it a night right now and say screw it.

How to reach the moon.

Red bull, Hanson and vacuum seal bags. <3

Blue and Yellow

I don't know where to start, but I'll start without you.

cunt in bloom

So my level of hipster tomorrow is going to be outrageous. And also the bomb digs. And whatever else kind of awesomeness sayings I can think of that explain how wickedly awesome to the max they are.

That is all.

Oh and Youth in Revolt was probably the funniest movie ever.

Also, also, I have all the terms I need to know in french now, including: Is that it? You can leave now and many more not so pg. LOVE it.

Red

Time flys. Unless of course you want it to and in that case it drags along. Minute by minute. Second by second. Boxes have been packed and taken away. Books with books and clothes with clothes. Taped up, labeled and brought to there new home. Everything that is but me. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. Like a ghost lurking around corners invading in the space that once was my own.

Countdown to Nothing

I missed out on saying goodbye to my family to say goodbye to you. And you can't even give me that. Why am I so so stupid.
"You mean nothing to me"
Why can't I just accept that?

Plus or Minus

Thoughts of the day:
I find it a completely weird concept that basically all the people I went to high school are now
1. Pregnant or have a kid, or kids or a family or all of the above
2. Have gotten fat, fatter or expanded to the point beyond recognition. May have something to do with number 1.
3. Are in serious relationships.
I'm not sure how I feel about it all. I know for a fact I am nowhere near being in the point in my life where I could feel comfortable having a kid. For me to say that even seems weird because as far back as I can remember I always wanted to be young mom. Maybe it's because that's all I know. But that's what I wanted. Looking back now and being who I am now I can't even begin to fathom my life plus one. That plus one being either a baby or someone that I'm seriously involved with. I'm just at a time in my life where I can't stay still. I can't be stuck to the same place for said amount of time. I have not even started my life yet, let alone be able to settle down enough to the point where I can worry about someone other then myself. And it makes me think, am I just that far behind everyone else or are they just rushing into it? How many people regret there lives right now and wish they had it different? Wish they had the freedom that I had. Right now I'm planning on where I'd want to live when I come back and I bet all on there mind is what money can go to what bill or what kind of future there child is going to have. Or maybe I just have it completely wrong. Maybe I'm the one missing out because I'm the one who is basically facing the world alone. But like I say, the day I settle down is the day I stop living.

Constilations

Le sigh, I'm super frustrated right now. I don't get why it's so hard for people to follow through with the plans they make. It's not that hard of a thing to do. I do it all the time. Other people, just don't. Take yesterday for example. The plan was for Sarah, Jenny and I to have a couple drinky poo's at work, continue till after work and then go for a little walk and out somewhere for a little Lisa going away dinners. Sounds good right? But no, Jenny decides that she didn't feel like coming in and 'spending her days off at work'. It's just like hello, YOU are the one that made this plan a week ago. YOU were the one talking about it the night before saying how excited you were for it. YOU were the one that decided against these plans. I mean, yes I get it. Sometimes things come up and for whatever reason you can't always make it to your plans, but she volunteered her time to go watch Tye's sisters kids. Like really, come on! You would rather go be 'so stressed out and annoyed' by these kids rather then going out and saying goodbye to me. I just don't get it. I don't have time to push back plans and yet everyone is acting like I'm not going anywhere. Trust me, it feels like I'm not. Almost all my stuff is packed and labeled and it still doesn't feel like I'm leaving. But I am, and I don't think it's too much to ask for just to act like it. She did it again tonight too. I asked her if she could come and just help me decide what to pack because I honestly am clueless as to what to pack for 6 months. She said that she would help and then instead of coming just hangs out with Tye while I'm clearly stressing out to the max. Then to add to it she walks by my room makes a comment about how close I am and how hard it would be and leaves. Thanks for your help there champ. It's not even that hard of a thing to do, just to give me a hand. She could literally sit there and just say yay or nay as regards to what my delusional self believes to be worthy of the luggage. And to think I woke up today ready to leave. I was finally in the right frame of mind and now I don't even care. I just want to go for a walk somewhere and just scream it out. I don't know why nobody understands this, I need help. I need to say goodbye. I need my time that I have left not to be wasted. I didn't want my last weekend in Alberta to play out this way. Ugh, this is such my life.

herro.

PACK
PACK
PACK
PACK
PACK
hmph.

Sailing Home

It may the be alcohol, but who is to say? Not I. But I'm going to be okay. Tonight is absolutly beautiful. All I want to do is go lay out under the stars. Not saying a word just laying in silence in awe of how beautiful and magical the world is and how easy we have it. What more could I ask for? A silent empty street, the only sound the crunching of my shoes on the ground and my heart beating in my chest. Music resonating in my ears as I glided down the street grazing my hand along the fence posts and my face aimed up towards the sky. It was not too hot, nor too cold. Just perfect. I almost wish I didn't have to come inside but now that I am I'm content. What more could I ask for tonight?

Turn into.

What to do? What to do? What to do?
I guess a better question is what do I have time for?
I wish Jenny was home so I could ask her advice.
JENNNNNNYYY WHERE ARE YOU?

Newsflash

Apparently when you start crying at work you get sent home.

Jewlery.

The night my great grandma died I could not get to sleep. I tossed and I turned and my mind ran over a thousand things that had nothing to do with anything. I had no idea why it was until I was woken up and told that she was no longer with us.

Last night I could not get to sleep. No matter what I could not get comfortable and my mind was a clustercuss of thoughts. So I guess it makes sense, since Papa died at 1 am this morning and I woke up and found out.

The weird thing is it's almost as if my body knew somehow. It's like my body and my mind knew and was trying to tell me something but I just couldn't understand what it was. And when I think back that's sort of what it was like with Bryan too. I think our minds are connected more then we believe they are. That one knows roughly about when they are going to leave us. And that when they go something goes out and lets us know. Or we just feel that loss instantly.

I don't know what I believe in. I know when Bryan died all I wanted to believe was that there was a Heaven somewhere and that he there looking down at all of us. But since I'm more sensible then that it's hard to let my mind believe in something that has no real fact to it. However, right now I just want to believe that Tama and Papa are back together again. As much as I know that's not true, it's what I want to believe.

Messages

Oh and I found the most PERFECT family! I mean perfect! So I hope things work out with them because if it does then OH MY GOSH!

Before

I used to be tripping over missing you, but I'm not anymore.

slowly

Remember when you ran your fingers through my hair kissed me on the top of my head; I forget what that's like.

Dali Lama

LOL @ cleaning/packing and watching Hoarders

Secret 1.

When I get upset I look at ad's for puppies.

Tik-tok

I may come off a little shy and a little rude. I have a brass way of wording things and an underlying sarcastic undertone. I may come off as a bitch and someone who is just one of those girls that you love to hate. But underneath, oh underneath you have no idea. I'm the girl who finds it halarious that I'm in love with silly children shows like iCarly and the Jonas Brothers. That has seen all 3 High School musicals and the Cheeta Girl movies. That went to the theater to watch the Hannah Montana movie. I'm the girl that quotes Harry Potter and Twilight in regular conversation. I'm the girl who has a hard time sleeping if my stuffed blue puppy is not between my arms or I have something to hold onto. I'm the girl that will listen to your every problem and every word if you would only give her the time of day.

Sentimental.

I may not have much. Not well off or well with cash. I don't really own anything interesting or that cool. I may not have been many places or have a life list full of crossed off's and working on's. I know that I have baggage and I may need a little more reassurance then others. I may not be the skinniest or the prettiest. The most hip or the most hardcore. I may not listen to the best music or be part of the big scenes. But I am me and I know what I have to offer.

When it comes down.

Get your head in the game. Get your head in the game. Get your head in the game. Get your head in the game. Get your head in the game. Get your head in the game. Get your head in the game. Get your head in the game. Get your head in the game. Get your head in the game. Get your head in the game.

oh-ten

Things I've learned already in 2010:
- It's not where you are but who you are with.
- I make my own rules and can get away almost anything.
- I love who is in my life right now.
- It's okay if I leave because I know what is here will still be here when I get back.