Le sigh.

I'm not in a good mood and I'm not even too sure why. Well, that's probably a lie. I do know why but at the same time it feels like I should just be over it and okay. It shouldn't be a big deal and I shouldn't be dwelling on anything or overreacting as I turn the same things around and around in my head.

I'm wearing myself thin. How can you tell you ask? Well, let me explain. My body is basically rejecting itself. Pretty much everywhere on me hurts. Head, shoulders, back, legs, feet, you name it it's probably hurting. I know I need to let myself rest but I just keep pushing myself further and harder and not letting myself have a moment to rest. I get up at 7:30 every morning, bike to work, start work early and then after work I usually bike around and am pretty much on my feet doing something until around 1:30 or so every night. I pass out from being so exhausted and so sore and start it all over again the next morning. Every day, day in and day out. And I'm just tired. I want a good nights sleep. I want my bed. I want some place to call my own so I can relax. It's just a never ending cycle. My knee hurts because when I walk my knee cap shifts and it inflames my knee. But I can't stop working. I can't just not put weight on that leg or use it so there's nothing I can do. Each night it gets to the point where I can barely walk, it rests overnight and then back to the grind the next morning.

On that note, did I get fat overnight or something? A part of me feels like I did. I've been way too hypercritical about my body lately and I'm pretty sure I have no reason to be. I just feel like I should be in better shape. I bike everywhere and I'm always just going so hard all day long. I'm up for hours on my feet and just going and going. Everywhere on me burns from working so hard and yet it's like it's not even making a difference at all. I feel fat and out of shape. I tried on clothes today and nothing fit. Nothing. I couldn't even fit my legs into have the shorts and stuff. Do you have any idea how depressing that is? And I mean I have been eating really good lately. Way better then I have before and trying all these new healthy things and yet I feel cuishy and out of shape. I'm probably just PSM'ing but still come on.

Is it just me or is my family completely ignoring me? For the past week or two every time I try to talk to them or say anything I get nothing in return. It's as if I fell off the face of the planet and it's really starting to bum me out. I left and in a way I have been forgotten. I just need that kind of connection to home. I don't know.

I told you time and again.

Did I mention this is the city of summer lust?

Remind me to spill the beans, I'm off to bed for now.

700 hundo.

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I wanna put my unnnnn in your uhhhhh!

Honestly I can't even stress on how much I love my life right now. It's so awesome. I love it. I love my roomies. Can I say that enough? Me and Aaron just made supper for everyone and then bongo boarded. Then we had a dance party to Bowie and come on. Swoon. It's getting worse for him. I would sooooo hit that. Fakk! But it's such a good home. A part of me doesn't want to leave but we will see. We will see how this volunteer thing goes. I love these boys so much. Only time will tell. Fak, <3

Upskirt.

Oh and biking in a dress = awesome idea.
More then one, less then ten.

do do do dada do do do

I wish my Internet worked more so I could blog about my life and remember it.
So last night was awesome. I love hippies and I love my roomies.
Solstice party at the Oolong Tea House with live music and fire spinners. So good.
Val I work with is crazy. He just comes up and starts speaking Spanish with Aaron, then goes and spins fire and sets himself on fire. Oh geeze.
I love biking.
Haha who am I? I just love everything these days.
I really need to not half attempt to flirt with Aaron, it could go really bad. But we are always together and it's hard not too.
We are going to make a documentary together about handjobs. Hahaha, that reminds me of biking home last night with him yelling handjjabbbbs at people.

Oh and some guy at work told me that I was beautiful and I should be in a painting. Oh me, oh my!

Silly Crushes.

Le sigh, please don't come ask me for a towel, wet and naked and then proceed to come out here in a just a towel. It's almost too hard to me to hold back.

I don't know why I feel this way haha. Maybe because you come in and jump on the bed I'm sleeping in to wake me up.

Sit in the sun.

Note to self: I'm pretty sure I pulled something in my grion area. Can hardly walk. Not fun. I don't know how good work is going to go.

panamaaaa

"They're not even kids, they're young adults!"
Little boys next door during bombarding water fight.

Happy Birthday Chris.

For a while now I forgot where I was, it just felt like home.
Le sigh, what more can I say? I wish I could just live here for real.
I love my job already.
I love free meals.
6.5 hours went by in minutes.
Aaron said he was proud of me, makes me smile.
Good day all around.

14 Again.

Let's try that again. So things may have gotten out of hands. We decided that condoms were too expensive and we needed to up the antics. Hello 24 hour Walmart. Balloons filled we decided that across the street was an awesome place to go. Apparently not. Lesson learned. After hiding in these bushes for like 10 minutes and Aaron booking it down the streets, these guys did not give up. They waited for us and caught us running across the street. So we scurry into the house, slam the door and lights out. Chris drives up and they are waiting outside so we go and talk to them and they are all 'Don't throw shit at cars' acting all tough after they chased us down threatening to kill us. Silly people, it's just water. Get over it, we basically just washed your car for free. You should give us 5 bucks of that or something. After that was over we decided that clearly water balloons should not go to waste so go out again and totally inialate to cars as they cross each other. I haven't felt so much adrenaline in a long time. Being childish is where it's at. This is going to be a good summer I can tell.


Oh and that just reminds me of the best quote. Matt, Chris and I and they are forcing me to try hummus, (I tried it again, it's not that bad) and it was lemon flavoured. So I explain it's probably not good since I'm partly allergic to lemons so Matt pulls out the epic quote:
"So, when life gives you lemons.. you die?!"

boysboysboys

I love these boys.
Filling up condoms with water.
Throwing them at cars.
Running inside.
Slamming off lights.
Giggling like little girls.
Love my life.
Love it!

Sunshine.

Also, I don't understand why my time on here is an hour off. I have no idea how to fix it and it's slightly a bother. Oh and I have a job!!!! Well, let's be clear. I have a job for a day, trying it out. Then after the day they will let me know what's up and if I have the job. I'm pretty stoked. It's at Nellie's this resturant with awesome breakfast and it's this really cool place. I'm just bussing tables and I start on Saturday. I'm not looking too forward to having to be there at 8:45 in the morning but it's going to help me become the morning person I want to. Eeeep! I'm so excited!

For sale.

I live off a fullfilling diet of double cheeseburgers and apples.
I'd have to say I'm living the life.

It gets a little blurry.

My god what an awesome night. I felt like my day was almost heading down a downward spiral but it totally turned out differently. It's weird how much of a change this house can be on someone. It's just so welcoming and I'm the one making it feel awkward when it's not at all. I think once I get a job then it will be good. Matt said that in September he's likely going to be moving to Victoria and I can have his room if I want. I might take up that offer if it still stands because I would love to live in this house. It may just be him as part of it but we will see. Anyways tonight turned out to be awesome. Started it off by Matt, Topher, Sarah One and me doing shots of Lucky beer. Downed 2 cases while smoking seesha and getting to know them better. I don't feel that weird around the girls here now. I guess I'm really just a guy person and I get along with them better. I find it hard to get along with many girls and in a way I think I'm intimidated by them and feel like they are judging me or something. But that's not the case at all. Anyways after that we all biked down to the Drum and Monkey which I've never been to before and it was really good. I LOVE the feeling of being on a bike and could totally get into that. Man, when is the last time I legitimately biked? It feels like forever but really I could be so down with that. I NEED a bike, there is no other possibility. At the Drum I we met up with this Dylan guy and I started the conversation. I did, not the other way around! YESSS! I'm sooo fucking proud of myself it's almost insane and then we just talked basically all night long and he showed me magic tricks and was just really good company. We ate some Awesome Pizza and biked back home which was a fun adventure on it's own. We all stopped and Jeff, Matt and Topher tried to break down this huge sign and were just throwing signs around and biking down 17th with a huge Bud Light Lime sign inbetween them and I almost died laughing. Then we just got home and me and Matt had a really long conversation about just life and stuff. Geeze, I just love life right now and I'm so happy. I'm gonna try to wake up early tomorrow and walk down to 17th and beg for a job, My goal is to wake up early, no more of this 2pm bull. So we will see. But on that I really should try to catch some sleep. Loveeee.


Oh and I think I'm supposed to go camping this weekend. I really hope this turns out. I've been realizing lately that I love being outdoors and stuff like that and it will be another thing to cross off the list. Dave and I went playing by some river by the Talismen Center and were jumping across logs and playing around and it was so much fun. I defiantly need to be outside more and do things like that. It makes me feel like a child again, just hearing the leaves blow through the leaves and the sounds of nature... just thinking about it makes me feel all warm inside. It's calling me!!! Oh and I got offered to go camping tomorrow with Matt and Sara Two, I might go. We will see, he said it's like a 2 hour hike and that mayyyy be too much for me and kick my ass. But only time will tell.

electric avenue.

2 cases of lucky beer with 4 people, shot form. 30 minutes. sheesha, good idea.
now attempting to bike to drum and monkey.
good night.
good night.

Morning glory

Damn you eyes, why can't you just let me wear my contacts for extended amounts of times and not screw up.
I look like I'm high and haven't slept in a week.
I don't wanna wear my glasses. =(

For sure.

I'm pretty sure these past 2 days have been the best days of my life. It's so weird because it's nothing out of the ordinary for these people and it's there daily lives but what can you possibly hate or be upset about your life when you are living like this? It's just amazing how satisfying this lifestyle can be and how I can be so happy with it. I don't want this to end or to miss a moment of it. I can learn alot from these people and be where I want to be.

Tandori Pizza

Jam sesh, 110 pounds weights, massage train, seesha, maryjane and so much more.
How can tonight be any better?

I've never been one for words.

So I think I made the right choice. Yesterday I had to decide, go back to Red Deer with Dave because he was heading that way, or go with Chris to 3632 and take up his offer. Let's guess which one I picked! I'm really glad that I came here, last night just made my decision so much more concrete and certain. I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone and try something new and different and put myself out there. So far I'm doing good, so I have to give myself credit for it. I was scared. I ran through all the bad possible outcomes and almost convinced myself that it was a bad idea and that I should just pack up my losses and go home. Everyone is telling me to but I think this is what I need. I can't give up just yet. And when I think back I did the exact same thing before I went to Dave's. I was so scared and worried about not wanting to be there and invading and then I made it my home and I felt so comfortable there. I don't know why I can't do that here. It's already a way better environment and people talk to me which is more then at Dave's. I just gotta get a feel for all of it and find out a couple things. Get a place to put my stuff, feel comfortable coming in and out. Just stuff like that that I gotta feel out and then I think it will be a really positive experience. Last night was really good though and I love being surrounded by such positive and awesome people. A bunch of Chris's Friends came over and jammed out in his room. And not like normal jamming but with a jimbay drum, keyboard, synthesized keyboard, acoustic guitars, theremin and another instrument that I can't remember the name for that sounds like a zylephone or something. That's basically what I want to call it but it's not it. And we just played ambiance type music and sampled these different kinds of beer. It really just made me realize how much these people can better my life and how I should try to get into creative aspects like that. I have no sense of music knowledge and I did my best to get in on it but it's hard because I feel so far behind them in these aspects. I've never been one to be able to pick something up and just learn it and master it. I'm musically retarded or something. But I think it would really help me and make me feel good. Give me another thing to cross off my list.

Overall I'm just proud of myself and the choices I made. I put myself out there last night and tried different things that I normally wouldn't.
Etheopian food- which I'm not really too sure how I feel about it. It's interesting, kind of spicy and not really too sure what it was. But I know I ate vegetables mixed in so my family should be proud. I have to try it again when it's warm instead of leftovers and find out for sure.
Pipe tabbaco- Probably not a good choice but I'm widening my horizons. It's pretty smooth and interesting.
What else was there.. I guess the whole letting myself jam sort of thing was fun. Even though I just sort of sat there and hit random keys. Chris told me I did a good job with it so that makes me happy.

What else.. oh haha then we pulled Tyler home on his bike attatched to the car with these wires. What an awesome end to the night and sight to see, just this guy getting pulled behind a car at 3 in the morning arond Calgary and us just inside dying of laughter.

I also can feel myself getting less shy and putting myself on the line. It's an awesome feeling because it's something I've been trying to overcome for a long time now. It's frusterating because who I am when people meet me isn't who I am really. It's just this muted down version of myself but I think I let myself be shown last night. I did my best to try to start conversations and I think I did a good job with it. We will see though.

Ps: It's a glockenpiel. Woot, google.

7:32

Oh hey there, I'm just sitting here enjoying some almond breeze and a nature valley bar after I just managed to spend over an hour packing. Honestly, how did I accumulate so much stuff?

But I knew she was jealous from the start.

I'm not a happy camper. I couldn't sleep last night at all. My fear of the dark and of being alone overtook any blocking abililty that I once had. Shaded figures kept popping in and out of the darkness, lurking over me making my heart go into a state of panic. Even music didn't work, my headphones made my laying uncomfortable at best and kept my brain working. Basically the opposite affect of what I wanted. All I wanted more then anything was to be in my own bed, surrounded by my own belongings and possesions, people that have known me my whole life and love me despite that. Instead I was in the pressence of the immature people who would rather get in a quick lay and keep me up then trying to further his life in any way. How about some consideration since I am less then a foot away from where you are taking up and think about how it feels to be me? Ha, who am I kidding? I shouldn't expect any less then you.

Look where you got me this time.

People used to tell me all the time that I should write a book about my life. I guess I never fully looked at my life in context to understand why it seemed plausible. That is until now. I think the problem is that when it comes to putting it down in words I am very distracted. I can't keep on a single thought and I censor what I'm putting down as if I can't relate fully to the truth. I lie to myself all the time and convince my mind of things that are completely untrue. If something bothers me it's as if something in my mind goes off and makes me believe it's not as bad as it truly is. I won't give myself credit for what I have to overcome and I make my problems and situations out to be nothing out of the ordinary, as if they happen every day when in reality no. No, they really don't. I am a strong person I know that, but I not as strong as I think I am. I think it's a great deal of suppressed emotions and thoughts I push back further and further until they aren't really existent anymore. Only sometimes to be exposed at the right time with the right people. I'm sure it's not healthy but it's automatic and I don't really notice that I'm even doing it. It's funny because after all that speech I don't know what to say. I came on here with the intention of writing about the situation I am in and how it's affecting me and all I can come up with is that. That little speech and analyzing of my inner workings.

Chris told me what I really need to someone that I can talk to about my life and what's going on. Unfortunately I've realized I don't really have many people for that so hello mr.blogspot. I guess you could say this is an end to another chapter of my life and I'm headed into the next with a not very positive attitude. I was told this morning that 'Beth' no longer wants me staying here anymore. For whatever reason she has it does make sense to some degree. I have been here for almost a month and she is essentially paying to some extent for it. I put quotations around her name because as the day goes on I'm slowly starting to think it's more Dave.

As I put that it kind of sounds absurd and not truthful. I think I may be hurt to some degree and this is just my rationalization of that. I can't decide how I feel about him at all. The feelings for range all over the scale, some of the things he says and does I just question why I am even around him or want anything to do with him. He goes off on these tangents about stuff I could care less about and about death and these things that he has done and I start off caring but my mind just trails off. He just has so much pent up aggression and anger that he doesn't work out and in a way it scares me. I'm scared to get in too deep and for him to hit me or something. Things like that just throw up so many red flags. But then other times he is really awesome and we have so much fun together and he's a really good friend. About a week ago I broke down crying and I told him how I was thinking I had to go back to Red Deer and he got really upset and was hugging me and then said "I don't want you to leave, your my best friend". Then there is times where I just want to jump him and hug him and kiss him and it's so off the scale. I can't decide where I stand with it and what I should do. It changes so many times a day.

Back on topic, I think I'm just hurt. I'm hurt because it's likely my last day/night here and I'm feeling so uncomfortable. It's hard enough to be in a place where you are not wanted without having things to add on top of it. He spend a good 4 hours talking to his ex. I know it shouldn't bother me and he tells me that what has happened is done for and what not but I can read people way better then they give me credit for. He's essentially me and I know what he's feeling right now. He's right back into getting sucked into her and everything she was. As much as he fights it and says it's not happening I can see deeper then that. On the weekend they got together and she cried to him and told him how much she loved him and what not. He's been really different since that happened. It's funny cause when he said he was going to see her I told him exactly what was going to happen and how she was going to throw herself at him and basically beg for him to take her back. But he had to question me and doubt it. Everyone does. But I know things, I'm not stupid. I've been in both of those positions so give me some credit. He's different now. They were talking and camming each other and it made me feel so uncomfortable and not wanted here and it sucks because there is nothing really I can do about it. If I were to leave where would I go? I kind of have nowhere so I am just stuck here in the middle of this awkwardness. To make it worse he just ignored me the whole time and was just so strange as if he was putting on a show on webcam. I can see through him and his walled defence on that topic. I don't know. I can't seem to put my feelings to words, or at least not fast enough. They slip away and I lose how I'm feeling. Word by word I become less caring about what has happened and becoming numb to the situation. I did feel upset and hurt about them talking but who am to step in and start caring. I'm the one who pushes him away and am so uncertain about what I want. He can only put himself out there so much and take so much. It's comfortable to be with her, it's what he knows. Who am I to say anything different? Who am I to say I would do anything different. Maybe it's a good thing Tyler has moved on and we don't talk. I feel like I've moved on and know better but who knows at this point in time. It feels like forever ago but at the same time someone I feel like if I go back to Red Deer I'll be going back to him and that life I once had. Instead of going back to the tangled mess of drama and hurt feelings.

Man I get off topic so much. My mind wanders so much and can't keep on topic. So like I said it's probably my last night here and it's an uncomfortable one at that. I'm not really too sure what to do with myself or what to even be thinking or feeling. I'm nervous and on edge thinking that Beth is going to come home and be all angry that I am still here. A part of me doesn't want to leave, I feel so comfortable here and act like it's my home. I'm gonna miss it here. I know I will. I think that's why I put off leaving. Chris offered to pick me up tonight and bring me to his place but I said no thinking this was going to be a good night here. I guess no, I mean Dave said he was going to make me food hours ago, but getting caught up on his ex seemed more important. That sounds so bitter. Maybe I am.

I was told not to worry about him or Chris or anything and not to let it affect me. The question of his faithfulness came up and put to question. He had already slept with another girl, probably his ex too even though he said they just kissed. He also had kissed like 4 or more girls so I don't know why I feel so bad about it all. I think I just wanted to feel like I was someone special. The only one for somebody and tonight just proved that is completely untrue. I know Chris feels that way about me, so why isn't that enough?

With my heart on the floor.

And there it goes.
No phone.
No place to live.
Nearly no money left.
What's next? Maybe it's time to pack my stuff and go home?