Look at my eggs.

I miss fibre class. I miss working with fabric and creating something, well.. it's so hard to describe what we did in fibre class. You took something, an object or a place or even just a feeling and made it in a 2-d fibre project. I know that sounds sort of lame and hard to understand but it's just such a unique way to look at art. Because you aren't trying to show exactly what it is or replicate it but more finding the basics of it. Finding how this said subject made you feel. Something like the temperature of the room or the energy you felt when holding onto it. Something that can't normally be so easily expressed in art but in this case takes the main stage. I miss it but a huge part of me feels like it's so pointless. What I learned at ACAD was that art all in all is pretty pointless. I don't know how to make a life out of it. I wish I felt the same was I felt before I went into that school. I had such a heart towards art. It felt like something do-able. A way of life I could bring myself into. But the art world isn't able artist merit at all. It's a pretentious game of who wears what, who went to where and who's the post popular. It felt more like a game of who's more hip then who then who's better at art. I think what's the most frustrating is that those girls, those guys who were the most popular were more accepted in the art world and I just felt like I had to play catch up no matter where I went. I wasn't part of that scene, I was just the shy girl in the background. The girl that had no friends and that people had no idea who she was, not even teachers. Nobody. I was a nobody and that showed in my art. It felt like why even make an effort when you're not even there? I have so much regret about the whole subject that I don't even really talk about it and can't even let myself try all over again. It's like there's a part of my mind that keeps telling me "Look Lisa, you already failed, why? Why try?" and it holds me back and keeps me from doing it. But I know that I miss it. I miss it and I can't do anything about it because I'm more realistic then to try to pursue it again. And I keep telling myself that over and over that it's not my life anymore but look at me, who am I trying to convince? Myself or them? Because it's still a part of me. So where do I go from here?

Fresh

I hate this waiting game. I get bored too easy. My attention span dwindles and dapples from one subject to another. I'm grasping at loose ends trying to find a connection but failing. I don't know where to start or where to end. I want things but I don't know what. Where do I begin? The life I hate is now becoming what I'm craving. Something stable and sustainable. A subject for every hour, every day. A place to be, something to feel accomplished instead of seconds spilling out of glowing screens and impatient minds. The past seems distant but entwined in the present. Like a twisted time warp and I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. How do I put my thoughts to words. I'm not sure but I keep trying. Keep throwing down words like they contain some kind of meaning but keep tiptoeing around what I really want to say. I have things to do. A list to complete but my motivation comes to rest in a place where time seems to stand still. I should have more faith in my future but I can't see through my clouded thoughts. I need the sun to shine in and show me the way, as lame as that sounds. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, well, what am I trying to say?

LiveLove

Sometimes your love
It's so pretty I just wanna sink in
And sometimes your heart
Well, it's so pretty I just wanna live there
Well I wish I could bottle it up and breathe it out like Valium

Your love

You said darling, just imagine me and you and all the stars in the world.
But the stars refuse to shine through all the grey and long lost nights.

Hear the beat.

So once again I'm at a cross-road. Where I'm at and where I'm going. Time stands still, or maybe it just trickles by. Deceivingly. I have choices I have to make. I have to think about my future and where I want to be. Think about more then the moment. Back to the daily grind. To the day in and day out. I can't even find meaning behind my words anymore. They lack character and can't seem to follow any single thought process. I guess that's just me though. I can't even think my thoughts in line for enough time to get it down and out.

We had everything?

Can this movie just stop now? Can we call cut and have things go back to normal? Because I'm so tired and worn out and I can't stomach the thought of living each and every day like this. I'm over feeling like the punchline to this lifelong joke that I lead. I'm tired of the coincidences. I'm tired of the day-in-day-out drama and complications. I just want a break, please. To lay under the stars and not have to constantly wonder what is going to happen next, what will mess up next and where to go from there. It's exhausting and I can't even do it anymore. I can't do it anymore so please.

Day 1, again.

So umm yeah, this is way weirder then I thought it was going to be. Sort of freaking out. Alot. Might be thinking this is a bad idea. That I made a mistake, and I'm not really sure what to do now. I need to talk to my tri-pod, like right now or... I'm not sure what I'm going to do. This doesn't feel like home anymore. It feels super weird being in a city again. Hearing traffic and stuff. And I miss my girls already. Yeah, definatly need to talk to someone...

Will not leave me alone.

I don't want to be back here.

Out the door.

So, apparently somewhere along the line I decided I wanted to look like a crack whore.
That works for me!
Rimouskkkkii!

And here comes the stress.

I'm starting to worry, I have no real reason to but it's coming and coming on hard.
Was it something I said? Or didn't say?
I'm trying but you're so far away. No contact, no comfort.
I mean what I say, does that still mean the same?
Are words just spoken because of expectations or do they still flow from the pits of your stomach?
I'm not sure, because I forget how I feel sometimes.
I hear your voice and I want to remember. But it's starting to feel like a faded memory.
Something I saw in a movie or read in a book once.
Something I felt at one time, fictional or not.
So please just let me know. Let me know where this is going.
Tell me my worrying is cute, that I have nothing to worry about.
You are here, even though you aren't here.
Tell me anything but goodbye.

To be.

If I am alive this time next year
Will I arrive in time to share?
And mine is about as good this far.
And I'm still applied to what you are.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you.
And I heard from the trees a great parade.
And I heard from the hills a band was made.
And will I be invited to the sound?
And will I be a part of what you've made?
And I am throwing all my thoughts away.
And I'm destroying every bet I've made.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you.

Morning Comes.

Life is a rollarcoaster, darling. But this I know for sure, the people you are supposed to meet you will. I may not know much but I know that for a fact. Two months into this and I still can't put the words down to describe in any accurate sense what I'm doing here but I have learned so much about myself. Maybe I never wanted to learn french in the first place. Maybe I never really cared about volunteering. Maybe I just needed to get away from home. I don't know much but I know I've met people I'm supposed to meet. Met people that have changed my life and changed how I see my future. People that have seen me at my highest and watched me plummet with no falter to my character. Just acceptance. Acceptance and love. I have met people that I love. Love in the deepest sense and with no persuasion. I love them for who they are and who they could be. And I'm willing to sacrifice for them to see things through. I'm willing to put myself on the line to see what the future holds. Because I can't see a future without those faces in it. For whatever reason we all came here to meet each other. And now that our paths have met this can't be the end. At least not now. I don't know what my future holds but I know for now I need them in it. So I'm counting down the days till I can see you again. Till I can jump into your arms and for everything to fall back into place. Because it doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing as long as we are together. If that's not real love, then I don't know what is.

Best.

I'm so over how all my belongings are either a) going missing or b) breaking.
Get real.

Glue.

Turn the light out, say goodnight.
No thinking for a little while.
Let's not try to figure out everything at once.
It's hard to keep track of you falling through the sky.
We're half awake in a fake empire.
We're half awake in a fake empire.

Baby

Please, please, please come and talk to me.
Because the cards are all lining up and I don't want to read them.
To believe them. And you're not here to work it out.

3,2,1

It's funny, cause I went from talking to do you being with him.
Little minds.

Promises.

So, kind of want a baby. No lies.
Bad news bears?

Green

I'm just gonna go out on a whim and say that, it is in fact not normal for my pee to be an greenish neon yellow colour.

But that's okay, I'll just cover it up and add to it by taking my multi-vitamins.
Problem solved!

semaine

I sleep in your shirt every night. It's the only thing calming my breathing.

Zoo

You're afraid to stick out your chin and say okay life's a fact. People do fall in love. People do belong with each other. Because that's the only chance anyone's got for real happiness.

Skies

It's always grey.
And the children raise there heads and cry out
"Baby, won't you come out?"