At the bottom of the bottle.

Don't ask if you don't care. I'm so sick of who you are becoming.

4AM.

When she breaks down and crys like that I see me. I see me and I hear me and it brings me back to how I felt after Bryan. And then it starts all over again.

Now I'm only left to wonder why.

I am so pissed off, like unbelievable pissed off. Do not, I repeat DO NOT tell me that I am basically fat. Are you kidding me? 130 pounds are you kidding me? I mean I know I put on weight but really, I'm not even close. I don't even know why that bothered me so much. I'm trying so hard not be an angry person, or the angry person I was but I was fighting every instinct telling me just to punch him. I don't want to be that person but don't tell me that. And then go ahead and try to question my drinking ability and laugh at me when I say I'm sober. Um hello, I'm pretty sure I would know more then anyone else would. I'm kind of me, 24-7 and you have known me for what? About an hour, um fuck you. How about that? I know it's more then that but that's really what started it all. My phone is cut off so I'm pretty much stuck in Red Deer now. What else do I have to do? I'm screwed and I'm doing my very best to act like I'm not but what more do I have? I can't get a job if I can't be reached. I can't be reached if I don't have a phone. I can't have a phone if I don't have money. Ugh, I knew it would catch up to me in time and it's so frusterating because this is the time I need something to happen so bad. I can't pay for my loan payments, I can't pay for my phone, I can't let people down. I don't even know. I think I'm just going to go cry. My life is just falling apart.

nine.

So todays off to a good start. I woke up at 10, made some tea with almond milk and did some catching up.
Tommorow I can clean up the little bumps and maybe make it a cleaner start.

Piece of mind.

I'm stressing out. I know I am and I can feel it coming on stronger then ever. My mind is always going, turning in and out and weaving through problems with seemingly no solution in sight. By the end of the day I feel like my head is going to explode. It feels like my mind is swollen with so much thought and is pressing against my skull trying to find any sliver of space to breathe. My head just hurts and it's not a headache it's just my brain being tired and wanting to shut down. I get really dizzy and I look aroud and it feels like everything is fake and it's all a dream. Things seem a little too defined or not defined enough and I'm super observant of my surroundings to the point where I feel like I'm gonna pass out. It's coming out in my dreams, where I'm super aggresive and my dreams are all twisted in a way of trying to work things out. Tonights goal is try to figure things out.

I'm tired of calling you once a week.

My dreams terrify me. A complex web of hidden desires and fears in which I have no idea what they mean. I wake up most mornings feeling completly disgusted by the events of my dreams and no closer to understanding what makes me tick. I don't think it's normal. I'll wake up procede to force myself to sleep just to continue the dream off where it ended. I think what it comes down to it I think it may have been a bad idea to go home for the weekend. I'm unsure of where I belong right now. It's so hard for me to worry about just me and not get sucked back in the old routine of putting myself first. Tell me what to do.

Come, come again.

Grrr, answer me and tell me what's going on?
Why do I have this unnerving feeling like I pissed you off or turned you off and that you are just gonna leave me here?

Rentals

Step 1. Figure out what I want.
Step 2. Figure out how to get there.


For now, that's all I got. That's all I'm working on and it takes one step at a time. I think I'm starting to figure out what I want. Slowly I'm realizing the person who I want to be and the risks I have to take in order to better myself in life. It's okay to lean on people and accept assistance from people. It's human nature. I just have to fight my desire to do everything on my own. I'm realizing maybe I do have a ton of hidden insecurities. I'm really uncertain of the future. I have to work on trying to visualize myself in the future and put myself on the line in order to accomplish that. If not, I'll risking the chance of going nowhere. I pour out all this philosophical outlooks and opinions on life yet I do not take them into any consideration in my own life. That's a big thing I need to change. Everything worthwhile takes work and energy. Nothing worthwhile comes easy and for free. So how far am I willing to let go of to get what I want? How much am I willing to risk to get where I need to be? I guess only time will tell.

PS: I can't believe he did that. First ask if I want to have group sex, then proceedes to have a girl spend the night. I do believe his fling with me is over in his mind.

All of the time you thought I was sad, I was trying to remember your name.

I feel like a child being shown the ropes. Hold my hand and show me the way.

Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step.

Honestly sun can you just come out? I'm pretty sure that's why I've been sleeping so long lately. I need to get my schedual worked out. I hate this up all night, sleep all day deal. It's so unproductive. Bah, I think I'm gonna go get a delish tea and try to get a job. Wish me luck.

Try again.

I should really try to try different food. I need to broaden my horizons or I'm gonna go nowhere in life. I really should get cookbooks and make recipes out of them.

Black and grey.

Oh man, I totally want to try to get into photography. Really nice photography, just really start to learn how to use my camera for real. It would be such an awesome feeling to have it shown in places or at local shows. Why did this just come to me now? It would be such a great life travelling around the planet, taking pictures, opening up shows and working for it? I should look into course and books and stuff about photography. Getting into dark rooms and actual film printing. Into buying and using new cameras and lenses. I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

Explosions of the brain.

Oh my, please let this not be another one of those. Another one where I convince myself so much that is what I want but in reality it isn't a all. Am I that needy to be with someone, to connect with someone that I just force myself to believe blatant lies? Just completely avoiding the fact that these people, them and I have no real desire to be with them. That it's merely a misconception in my mind drawing me into people. What is it this time? What is it that forced it upon them? It's almost like when I meet someone in a room I automatically have to find someone that would be suitable to date or the slightest bit attractive. It just so happens that these people from then on have this magnet able quality before me that they find themselves overwhelmed in my presence and addicted to me. Unless that's the way it happens. Unless most people are not sure if that's why two people are destined to meet. At either case I think I'm just convinced. One more to add to the never ending list. Is it that it appears to be this faulty character about him? That whoever he claims to be is just an act by a very capable actor? Something about him seems off. Just a little out of key, out of place. Too obviously an act as in order to be one. This whole fisaud about him is completely unreal. Is that what that is? It seems to always come down to this. Is my whole history just filled with one after another of unsuspecting victim? When it comes down to that was I ever really attracted to any of them? Did they even have any real apeal to me rather then some burning subcontious desire. Oh my, I can't even really stop to believe this. I really hope that is not the case. What am I doing? I barely even know these people. Maybe I should go?

RED CURTAINS

Rain, rain, go away.

The world watching.

Every day I am more amazed how accommodating and caring seemingly unknown strangers can be. It gives me so much hope for human-kind in general. Not everyone is consumed with watching out for number one and number one only. Some people genuinely have enough heart to worry about other people, people they don't know or barely know. I'll be like that, I swear. I want to become more like that. Just giving myself out to people without knowing the consequences and hoping for the best. And if not, that's life. You take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad and make the most out of it. Back to reality. I've been here a week and it feels like an enterinty. Yesterday was an absolutly beautiful day. Woke up and went to Nellie's. Such a good breakfast. I've missed having real food. Just being there and knowing where it is made me feel so connected to the city. I know that sounds lame but I have this burning desire to make something of myself here. To have these connections and to know these spots. Every day is just one more step towards that. Contact juggling blew my mind. It's exactly what I needed. Just to be surrounded by such free flowing creativity and truely happy people. When was the last time I was surrounded by people that were happy for no reason? Or just happy in general? It's an awesome feeling. They are just, well, them. Nobody to prove there actions or anything to anybody else. They do what makes them happy. I think that's why I'm still so hesitant. Red Deer was just so full of people ready to jump on everything out of the norm. Waiting for a misplaced step or anything they could throw down a negative comment. It takes time, I know. It takes time to feel comfortable in my own skin again and to completly let myself go but I can feel myself getting there. I desperatly need to lose this Red Deer attitude on life or I'm gonna go nowhere. I'm so glad to be getting back into the live music scene again. Or really for the first time. The Flemish Eye Ball last night was awesome! It blew my mind. I swear I'm in neverending debt to Chris. He's already opened my eyes to so many things and has done so much for me and I've known him for less then a week. I should get a free bike either today or tommorow from Matt which makes my life. It's just another step, another cross off the list. I am ever so happy right now. When was the last time I was this happy? Let's hope this feeling never leaves.

Vivaldi

So I think I made him mad. I'm almost positive of it. But it's not my fault that I have places to go and people to see. He has no idea what it was like the last time around here. I did not have half the life I do now or the happiness and desire to live life to it's fullest. I think that it shows and that's why I'm going out all the time and making the best out of situations. I didn't expect to meet people or even to have friends but I think I'm going into life with a better outlook and more open then I was before. I'm so willing to change and try new things because life felt so stifled before with endless closed doors. I didn't talk to anyone other the Laci the last time around. I didn't do anything new. I loved it here but it wasn't like I knew so many people or did alot of things. It was mostly just me and Laci so I'm embracing anything that I can. I want to make a life here. A life more then just him. I think he's beginging to realize that maybe what he thought would come out of this isn't. I gave him his answer to dating and ever since then he's backed away. I think it's for the best. I don't want to make this an awkward situation, I don't want him to feel like I'm taking advantage of anything. Only time will tell. On a happy note I have plans again tonight. Zeigeist 2 and popcorn.

week one.

www.flemisheye.com

http://www.myspace.com/chadvangaalen

http://www.myspace.com/christenzmusic

Sleep avoiders.

Everyone I have met and hung out with so far while being in Calgary all seem so familiar to me. There is no sense of awkwardness or any strange first meeting people aura about it. Everyone feels like old friends, people I've met before and have hung out with before but I'm almost certain I have not. It's really reassuring because it makes me feel like it's meant to be. Something had to had lined up in order for things to work out that way. I am always akward around new people and it takes so long to warm up. But it feels like coming home. These people I met were supposed to be in my life. These incidents are proving this is where I need to be.

Chapter 1

I have so much emotion and desires running through my veins. I have tasted life and I want more. There is no possibility in my mind of being satisfied with anything else. It's a dangerous position to be in with the events that tend to lay out before me. Life has a way of throwing me curveballs and keeping me on edge. On my toes. Uncertain of the next fall or the next great excitement. It seems as though if I truly want something, I mean become all consumed in feeling the absolute need to have something or get somewhere, that life lets me down. A fault will come up and allow my desires to slip away. I dreamt last night about being forced to go back to Red Deer. It was so vivid and I could feel my heart breaking as I had no other way of surviving and making it last here. I was literally drug out of the city by an unknown person and brought back to my life of mediocrity and glum. I run over and over the what-if's and the possible outcomes for every action. What if I can't get a job? What if I can't afford to have a place by the begining of next month? What if Dave gets sick of my company or if I overstay my welcome? What then? What if I have no other choice but to go back?

The Soda.

I get picked up in 15 minutes.
Nervous!

sunshine and open promises

1. Get out there and get a job. For real. Anywhere I don't even care where just do it.
2. Show tonight should be pretty interesting. I'm actually really stoked on it. What to expect?
3. Stupid foot, for real can you just get better already? Walk-in here I come. Please give me some drugsssss.
   

Life in moderation

Just as I expected sleep brought me a bit back to reality. I was acting so irrational but I felt so alive. That's kind of a weird concept to grasp but I just felt so alive and as if I can been asleep for so long and finally awoken. It sounds so cheesy and as if I had just lost my mind completely but just I've noticed so much lately. I essentially lived the past year of my life on cruise control. Never really too in touch with my surroundings or how I felt. Never letting myself get caught up in the moment and overly consumed in what everyone else was doing. So much that I let myself get tangled into the web of misery and drama that was so easily every one's lives. I don't know how I could possibly go back to the way I lived and feel remotely okay with it. The thought of it just frightens me. I could never go back to the way I was living. It took away my soul and who I was. I lost all my dreams and desires and it's not till now that I'm fully aware of just how much I've thrown away and how much of my desires I cast aside to live the Red Deer dream.

Rainy Daze.

What are you doing?

Not sleeping with this guy. Hahahahaha!

For the widows in paradise.

As irrational as it sounds I'm pretty sure last night changed my life completely. For once in the longest time in a while, I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. I don't even remember the last time that I felt that way. I am sitting here with the hugest grin on my face and just so stoked on life. I'm pretty sure I'm radiating happineness right now. Most likely to do with the fact that I have yet to sleep but whatever. I had an awesome night and sleep is totally for fat people and babies. Like Chris and I decided " Why go to sleep on your own terms when you can wait until your body shuts down and does it for you?" Honestly, I'm pretty sure I haven't had such an epic conversation or laughed that much in months. Everything at Matt's house makes me happy and so inspired to do so much. The people there are so unique and just have so much personality and so much to bring the table. It's unbelievable how they all enjoy each others company so much and legitimatly love living together. It's what I want. Everyone they know has an awesome story to tell and has done things with themselves. Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've been around people that have done things for themselves? I'm just so giddy and stoked just thinking about it. That's what I want from life. Drinking tea, having fires, smoking sheesha, have intellectual conversations, reading books, discussing real topics and all the music, live and recorded. I feel like my head is going to explode just trying to take in everything but in a good way. God, is it ever in a good way. I mean honestly, I stayed up from around 3-930 or 10 just nonstop talking to this guy I just met and it wasn't awkward at all and it was so stimulating and intense. Just having so many things to relate to and feeling the ability to share your opinions and gahh. I can't even express how I'm feeling right now. My head is screaming, ajdhfdhkafada! I do not want to go back to Red Deer, I have so much motivation right now that I can get to where I want to be. I can't go back. I can't lead that life anymore. After last nights converstations it was like the hugest wake up call. I lost my inspiration on life. I stopped drawing, painting, writing, discusssing... I stopped what I enjoyed about life and made me who I was. I lost my inspiration, it just clicks now and makes sense. Fuck! I love life right now and I'm worried if I go to sleep I won't have that same feeling when I wake up. I think I'm smitten right now. I feel like a hussy and partly like a bad person but I am smitten and it's so unreal. It's unreal how I can make instant connections with people and just have that mutal understanding. I've been in Calgary for what... a full day and I'm already invited to see Chris play a show and then to another show on Saturday. Thank you Calgary. I don't want to forget anything. There were just so many epic lines and just epic nights. Just like smashing iphones out of hands and then being all sorry sorry sorry and hand bills to them. Or "Shut up and get on your bike bitch". Numbers on dairy queen napkins. So cute. Bah. <3 Love life.

noones laughing

day one.

one more night.

I keep putting off life because I'm scared of the day that it actually starts.


I don't want to admit that I'm gonna miss this.

flashback

I love looking back on old things I've written and realize that almost the same things that go through my head then are the still going through my head now. It's kind of reasuring in a weird kind of way. Note to self: I need to start saying holey smut again. Oh high school.

Check and mate

• clean room
• clean myself
• apply for college
• apply for loan relief program
• find out debt situation

to do, to do, to do.

Cigarettes will kill you.

I think I expect too much from people. I want to be able to leave and things to come back and for it to be the same. It's not so much places but more people. I don't want them to change. I want to be able to talk to old friends and for me to at least sense a part of who I knew is still in there. But people change, I should know that. I don't think I'm remotely close to the same person I was in high school. I've grown up, matured and learned a lesson or two along the way.

I guess what I'm trying to say is people change and it's usually not for the best. I miss my best friend that I left behind in grade ten. It's a horrible realization what around 5 years of heavy drug-use can do to someone. It's like talking to a completely new person, someone who I have never met before. Someone I would never give the time of day to. It's unnerving how someone can fall apart like that. He can't even hold a real conversation. I will never let myself get that way. I promise myself that.

Everything will be alright, I'll take you there.

A little mad, a little unimpressed. But that's life.

I'm gonna go clean now.

what's a boy to do?

hello sled island 09.

needles & flashes

Lawls of the week:

• getting picture taken from moving car by random guy
• 6 adults + 2 childen at Hannah Montana movie, Nicole cries in movie
  
• having peircer at Native Arts looking at me when saying take no aftercare advice from friends or anyone else

Day 365

For a second there i thought you disappeared. It rains a lot this time of year. And we both go together if one falls down. I talk out loud like you’re still around. And i miss you I’m going back home to the west coast. I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase. I love you. Standin all alone in a black coat. I miss you I’m goin back home to the west coast. And if you shake her heart enough she will appear. Tonight i think i’ll be stayin here. And you never did like this town. I talk out loud like you’re still around. No nooo! And i miss you. I’m goin back home to the west coast. I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase. I love you. Standin all alone in a black coat. I miss you. I’m goin back home to the west coast. So pack up the bags to beat back the clock. Do i let her sleep or should i wake her up? You said, We both go together if one falls down. Yeah right, heh. I talk out loud like you’re still around. No noo! And i miss you. I’m goin back home to the west coast. I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase. I love you. Standing all alone in a black coat. I miss you. I’m goin back home to the west coast.

I don't drop shit, I don't pick shit up. It's kind of my ish.

Three things that make me happy.
Jake.
Amir.
Pat.

It comes and goes in waves.

I just want a reason to wake up every morning. I just want a smile on my face.

starstruck

You send me so many mixed signals I don't even know what to think. I can't read you at all. Am I that bad as well?

HONESTLY, HONESTLY

Hmm, last time I checked you are a 30 year old stoner that's approximately 100 pounds overweight. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to critisize or make rude comments about what I am wearing. Thanks.

Leave your life and drive.

Is it too much to ask for a little silence? Every day is another arguement. Another situation to raise a voice. To prove a point already made. To start another fight that will end the same. Is it too much to ask that you just get along or go seperate ways. Some days it's too much to handle. Is it too much to ask?

And if I fall, would you pick me up?

Would you freak out if I said I liked you? Do you walk the line?

Another day, another dollar.

So this is what you can call step 1.