Camera Lens

Yup, a couple things I've came to terms with. I fell for you, I fell hard. But the thing there isn't really much there. What do we have in common? Really though, it's not much. I'm struggling to find even one answer to that question. But that doesn't change how I feel. When I see you I want you to be just mine. I'm jealous and needy and all consumed in you. But when it comes down to it there could never be anything more then what there is. I fell for who you were, the cute things you once said. The actions you once had, the feelings you once played upon. They have long faded but that's what I fell for. The you that you were when you wanted me the same way. Which, you don't. Not anymore. You want what we have, if that. You want to call me up for an effortless good time. You want to have someone to fill the void in your life in a couple different ways. You don't want me and all I have to offer. And maybe it matters to you and maybe it doesn't but you have a major competition, whether you see it that way or not. Someone who wants to hang out with me, in public. That wants to go out and see movies and be out in the city. Someone who wants to spend the day with me not the night in me. Who I can chat freely with and be entirely myself around. It wouldn't matter if I hadn't showered or not. If I was a mess physically and mentally. It wouldn't matter because it's me and that's good enough. And the fact that being around him makes me happy and he wants to see me happy. It's a pretty stiff competition, so I'd start to worry.

Lexi Grey

So, I kind of want to meet my half sister.

broke it in 2.

Well don't think of it as a good bye more of a see you later.

And I,

It may be hitting me now. I'm sitting on my kitchen floor, home alone, crying.

I can't say goodbye.

Zombie Green

I have a hard time settling down. I don't think I'll ever be part of the white picket fence dwelling suburban family. I won't be the mini-van soccer mom or the crazy sport fanatic super mom. In reality I doubt I'll ever end up being a mom at all or find a city, town or any place of land that I could take residence in for a long period of time. And that whole being married and living happily ever after bit seems like somewhat of a fairy tale when the thought of sticking with one person or one place for over a year seems like a drag. How can one be expected to find the 'love of their lives' when constantly up and moving from place to place? From one journey to the next? I was told by a close friend of mine to 'consider him when I settle down and get on my feet'. Trying to decifer what that means I've came to the conclusion that what he wants is just not me. I'm not the settling type. I don't stick to one place. I move constantly. I'm in a constant state of being half packed and mentally I'm not 100% anywhere. My mind is on the the search of where to go next. Half living in the present and half in the future. Take a look at my life at the moment. In the past 6 months I've moved from my mom's house to Dave's, then from Dave's to Matt's, then from Matt's to my ghetto house, then from there to Jenny's. But that's not it. Come January it will start all over again, in the next 6 months I'll move from Calgary to Red Deer, from Red Deer to Rimiouski, from Rimiouski to Assiboinia and then back to Red Deer. And then from there on my possibilities are endless.

I'm always thinking into the future. What's next? Where can I go from here. I have so many options I'm just not sure what is right for me. One of my worries is that the way I look, with the stretched ears and piercings, the way I dress, the way I act, is that going to get in the way of doing what I want to do? Also with the fact that I can't settle down and want to be consantly moving the prospects of having any stable career kind of go down the drain. I just want to see the world. I want the oppurtunities that my family hasn't been giving. I want to take in as much as I can and try as much as I can. I want to say that I've lived in all these different places and became a part of that community. I know that this program is the first step I need to do that but I don't know where to go from there.

Ain't always gold.

It's always been you. Since day one, it's been you. I was happy with him. We were good together, we made each other laugh. He was my shoulder to cry on and so much more and then you came around and I can't even think about him in that way anymore. I can't think about anyone in that way anymore. I wish I could pinpoint what it was. We have nothing really in common. We are totally different people and you don't want that from me. You don't know what you want but you know it's not me. The thing is I can't picture my life without you in it. I don't want to and yet that's what I'm doing. I know once I board that plane you will be gone from my life. I'm trying not to think of it that way, I'm trying to remember when you said that you'd be here, you'd always be here. But you won't be because that was never true. So I guess I'll just keep feeling like I'm cheating because I'm cheating my heart. It belongs to you now. For now.

Can't control.

It would be easy. It would be so simple to slide back into that old life. I could slip in with my different groups of friends. Never being alone. Never having to worry about having plans or any downtime that I didn't want. It would be easy but I just couldn't do it anymore and I realized that. I like my simple life I'm leading now. I like waking up and knowing I'm gonna go to work and basically hang out and chat to the girls. I know who is going to be there and what to expect. There's no drama. And if there is drama it's very minimal and washes over by the next day.

Lollipops

New life goal:

I want a great dane.
I want to be the little girl, in the big city, with the big dog.

Pull me through the light

A month or so I would have given anything for a reason not to leave. I wanted nothing more then for someone to tell me no, to beg me not to leave. Give any of the tiniest unimportant reason and I would have unpacked my figuratively packed bags and settled back down. Now, now I can't even get the thought of leaving out of my mind. It's all I think about. The first thing in the morning, the last thing before bed. It's consuming my every thought and I couldn't be any more happy. There is nothing that is going to stop me from leaving. Not a person or event is going to change my mind and I dare you to try. I used to be scared of leaving but I can't even be anymore. I'm just all consumed in the good. It's an amazing feeling because I've never been this set into anything really before. I'm gonna make this work and make the best out of it. So tell me you miss me and tell me you don't want me to leave but in the end I've already decided. I'm already gone.

On another note I'm not just going to stop acting how I am. I'm gonna give kisses on foreheads and I'm going to cuddle and trace shapes across your skin. I'm gonna think about kissing you and smile at you when you don't pay attention. And overall be all consumed with girly feelings and I'm not going to hide it. I've come to the point where I don't care if you don't show anything back or feel anything back. If you just think of us as just friends then that's enough for me. But I'm gonna be me, and around you that's me. I'd rather be out there and be happy and myself for the last 2 months then hide it away. That's all.

Sea of Love

So it's official. That's a scary thought but also a very exciting one that the same time. Tomorrow when I send the envelope in the mail I'm officially in the program and set leave in approximately 67 days maybe. I had kept count of it before but I really fail at keeping track of numbers and the like.

So what next. I think I should start by stating what I know I'm losing and giving up on. I won't be able to drink basically ever or do anything the will put me under the influence. I will be taking up the prospects of becoming sexually frustrated for 6 months and any chance of getting any sort of action I can just throw out the window. I'm committing myself to being single and not seeing anyone for another 6 months. I am giving up personal space and the ability to be lazy, to sleep in and to be late for work. I know that if I want to cut or dye my hair I won't be able to. I won't be able to go shopping or have any real sort of income to myself. I won't be able to eat what I want, when I want and will have to try new things and adapt. I won't be able to have a cell phone likely or have normal access to a computer. So no Grey's Anatomy. No textsfromlastnight. No facebook or MSN.

But this is what I get. I get 6 months of not having to worry about if I have enough money to pay for my bills or if I am able to make my rent. I get free plane fare and travel expenses. I get to live in Quebec for 3 months. I get to live in Saskatchewan for 3 months. I get free french lessons. I get to see parts the country I wouldn't have thought of on my own. I get to meet new people and live in a house with 10 other people. I get to live life without the fuss and drama of technology. I get to make a difference to people and communities. I get to have 6 months to figure out just me and what I want to do. I won't have to worry about boy drama, with the what's going on or where do we stand. I don't have to worry about being alone because really, I'll never be alone.

So I'm crossing my fingers on this second job. Because right now that's all I care about. This trip is all I care about. I don't care that it's a Saturday night and I'm exhausted and ready for bed. I don't care that plans fall through or that I'm committing myself to 12 hour work days. I'm in this, no half ass. No maybes. I'm in this and I'm gonna make it work because the day I go board my flight I know it will all be worth it.

Oh oh oh for me she cries.

Seriously, why can't anyone support me on this?


Or in all honesty, support me ever?

Long gone down.

On the downside, there is really one person I want to call up and gush about this too. I don't even think she could fake excitement for me though.

Pursuit of happiness

I lost sight of the big picture. That sums it up, I lost sight of the big picture. I gave up hope. I threw in the white towel, I said enough. I gave up hope and that's when I lost it. I was so certain that I had completly tossed aside the thoughts of this trip until now. I can see clearly now, as ultimate lame as that sounds. Every day I wake up and complain about the mundane. Rising with a to do list and falling asleep clutching the same. It doesn't change. Day in, day out. The days blurr with little definition between one and the other. It's no way to live, falling asleep behind the glow of a computer screen, waking to the same set routine. It's not me, not anymore. I have dreams and ambition. I need adventure. This is exactly what I need. I need to get out and see the world. Sure, Calgary is my playground but I've grown out of it. It's as comforting and reassuring as a toddler swing. Until now where yes, I can fit but you risk the chance of getting stuck. Stuck in the routine. Stuck with mediocrity. Just, well, stuck. And I can already feel it coming. I'm on this downward slop into another major rut but this time I have an out. But now I have this and I'm gonna do everything in my power to get there. Because I can't not. I just can't not do it.

What a difference, she said

I eat like horrible about 90% of the time. I go on binges and will likely pull out something that one may call 'the ultimate fat'. I have an addictive personality to an extent, meaning I can do something repeatedly, such as play a song on repeat for days straight and not get sick of it and then stop and never listen to it again. I talk during movies. I don't have a judge of what is normal conversation and what isn't. The cleanness of my room is a direct factor about how I'm feeling in life. If it's messy then my life is generally a mess. I believe dreams mean something more then just images your mind produces while your asleep. And that everyone you meet is in your life for a reason. I can't stand the thought of doing one single thing for the rest of my life, that's why I find it hard thinking that I'll ever settle down or get married. I have unrealistic goals for myself and my future but it keeps me going and that's more then some people can say. When things get good I have to find something 'wrong' to bring it back down to level. I push people away when I need them the most. I don't talk about feelings or like to admit that I have them. I'm always sick and when that happens I'll likely think I'm dying and act like it. I'm oblivious to flirting or guys coming onto me. Most of the time I'm more seen as one of the guys. I've come to terms with the fact I have a decent amount of baggage. I've been cheated on, had people die and been abandoned, so anyone who doesn't have baggage after that has issues. I'm not easy to forget but easy to walk away from. I'm super stubborn and not easy to convince of things. I have an excuse and reason for everything I do and can't do. I hate sleeping alone but when I sleep with others I sprawl out like a 400 pound tank and take up all the room. I don't like to say no and that gets me in trouble. I don't know limits and when enough is enough. I like to think I can handle more then I can, like alcohol for example. I'm always right. And if I'm not right then it doesn't count. I know when I'm being lied to and I know when people are hiding things. I intentionally do things that are bad for me because of momentary gain or happiness. I relate everything in Grey's Anatomy to my life. It's my addiction, it makes me laugh, it makes me cry and it makes me feel like everything will work out in the end. I will make you laugh even though sometimes you will wonder why. I don't like to think before I talk and assume people want to hear everything I have to say. I let people in over and over and let them hurt me over and over because I'd rather risk the gain then what I will lose. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart without all that cheesy gross romantic things that come along with it. I will give anyone the time of day if they are willing to have a decent conversation. I get super passionate about certain subjects and items in my life. I'm not afraid of a good argument or to say what's on my mind. I will listen to every ones problems and try to give a solution because that's what makes me happy. I have a better outlook on life them most people my age.

Mega Balls

Ultimate fat = finding Mcdonalds cheese burger wrapper on floor.