Couldn't have loved me better.

Is it bad that I have big plans for this room? That I have this huge desire to make it something awesome, and I think it's doable. Is it bad that it makes me super excited? Wow, I'm so lame haha. Honestly I've spent about 2 hours washing down my walls. But you will see, before and after it's going to be ah-maz-ing yo. First step though I gotta ask if I can spray paint the furniture that was already in here. Just white, so I'm sure he won't mind. But it's back to work. Jeff is off in 6 hours or less and I'm nowhere near being ready.

I NEED:
1 normal light socket
1 flip switch light socket

Tick, tock

Day: 5, or so.

Come home from work to see that the half painted kitchen cabnets are still half painted. I love the fact that about 2 days or so ago my roomies randomly decided that yes, the kitchen would look better yellow for many reasons. One, yellow is a very nice kitchen colours. Two, why clean up the grease and such when you can paint over it. And three, when you can do whatever the fuck you want here why not? So being bored I decide that yes, I am going to contribute to this painting and try to get it all finished. It's still not done because Dylan and Matt came over instead but still tommorow my aim is to finish it.

Carts of Darkness= REDIC! Haha a movie about homeless people picking bottles and bombing huge hills on grocery carts. Who would have thought.

Oh and he didn't ditch so I'm not mad. Who am I kidding. I probably coudln't be mad. He even came over and spent the night. And came over again yesterday. So cute. I don't even know but he makes me stupid happy. I asked him what we were and he's all 'well we are seeing each other but I don't think we're facebook ready'. It made me laugh cause he was serious. But he texted me today saying he missed me a little and he was just over yesterday. Le sigh, so cute.

Ps: I love my house. And I love having somewhere to come home to. I'm gonna clean it up in here some and it will be rad.

Pss: Is it bad that I kind of don't want to do my volunteer thing anymore? That I kind of don't want to leave here? Or change how my life is at all?

Ditched.

Oh my god, are you kidding. Really? REALLY? It's because I try to plan things and I want them too bad and this is what happens. Maybe I should rethink things, stupid dirty hippy horoscopes knowing the truth. Or should I say the future. I just need to calm down and be rational. At least now I can go get my bike fixed.

Times up.

I can't stand Chris. Everything about him makes me want to take something hard and strong and repeatedly hit him until I slightly felt better. How about fuck you? How about that? How do you have the nerve to 'joke' about how my time is up here? I'm going to take my sweet time getting out of here just to piss you off because I'm not stupid and I can catch on to the subtly honesty behind each joke. But the jokes on you because you can get as mad as you want because really there is nothing you can do about it. Everyone else wants me here and well your opinion doesn't really matter to me anymore. I would be totally okay never talking to you again. I hate your style, I hate your personality, I hate your lifestyle. I hate everything that makes you who you are and that means alot because it takes alot to hate people.

Playing games.

You know what? Whatever, play your games. Do what you want because at the end of the day I'm living for me. Take all the time you need to decide and when you do I'll either be here or not but that's okay. Because the suns still shining and I know I can go into work, blare the Jonas Brothers and dance it out.

Two Pump Chump

I told you it was up to 3 guys, what I failed to mention is that one of them was your friend.

Spare change

12,047.19$

Suddenly

I don't remember the last time I felt this bad. It's as if all my drive and happiness has been sucked out of me. I don't want to be in this house. I don't want to be back in Red Deer. I don't want to be anywhere. It feels like I'm just right back to square one.

Fak!

Are you kidding me? Really Chris are you that much of a bitch that you can't handle me being around for another 2 weeks. Giving me a week does not do me any good. Where the fuck am I supposed to go? I don't know what I'm gonna do. I feel like I should cry. All I know is that I'm gonna go to Jeff's right now and take my mind off of it. I can't even be here right now.

Laughing With.

It's really weird waking up and having pretty much nobody home. Matt and Dubs are on their bike tour. Aaron is in Canmore. Sara One just got home with her friend from who knows where. Chris, well I don't care really where he is. Anyways, it's just a really weird concept to have a house usually so full of people and to wake up with only 2 of the said 7 or so here. I guess that only makes a big deal since Chris had to pull out the dick card on me yesterday and casually hint that he's still super pissed and that I need to find a new place to live and that I should be looking for one. No kidding genious. I'm going to be looking. It's not like I want to live on a couch for the rest of my life. But still it kind of sucks. I don't think I can stress enough how much I'm going to miss this house. What are the chances that I'm actually going to hang out with these people once I move out? I really don't know and that worries me. I'm going to miss them all so much. Hopefully something pans out with Matt's idea and I can move in with them. But it's work time.

Sensation

I keep having these sort of momentary flash backs. Subtle out of body experiences where I can so vividly remember how it felt to be in a moment as a child. The feel of the sun on my face on a beautiful summer day. The sound of wind whistling through the trees while laying on my back at the park. The feel of the cool, moist sand on my hands while digging tunnels. The weeping willow trees in an open field that made everything feel like it was out of a story book. Sometimes it worries me. Why am I feeling this way? Is this the calm before the storm or should I just bask in the sunlight?

But up here.

Since when did I become that girl? And why did it take so long to figure this all out. I came here to change who I am and really have I just become a worse person. I get called a bitch and maybe I really am. The things I have been doing, toying with peoples feelings is not who I am at all and yet I'm weaving this horrible weave and sucking more and more victums in. This isn't me, this isn't who I am but yet maybe this is who I've becoming. I'm seriously jaded. Jaded from Bryan. Jaded from Danny and Tyler. Jaded from the life I've lead and the shitty pathways that have been layed out in front of me. I used to be just about the one guy, put all my attention and everyone on him. He was the one and only and then, I don't even know what happened but that doesn't happen anymore. Maybe it's because I was done with Bryan. I didn't want anyone else. I couldn't even think about wanting anyone else and then that got torn away from me. Ripped out of my hands and my heart. And every since then I've been struggling, trying to get anything I can. In a way I've lead on almost every guy that I know. I led on Dave and now I'm upset because I think I may have fell a little for him. Well more then a little and then he just moves and doesn't even talk to me. It hurts for that, just imagine what I do to everyone else. I led on Chris. I led on Dylan, who's next. Maybe Chris was right and I was just overreacting but it's not even my intention at all. I don't even know. Maybe I have some applogizing to do. I think I really do. What's next?

I am who I am.

Aaron is in the shower right now singing Rudolph the red noses Reindeer. Honestly who else does that? I never want to forget living here and the little things. Like Matt always singing, all the time. Or Aaron waking me up by jumping on the bed and trying to take pictures of me. Or Topher always talking about handjobs and porn and giving each other piggy backs and trying to beat each other up. Man, I'm gonna miss this house when I have to leave. And honestly, what is Aaron doing? We are supposed to go to this shop to get shoes and he dissapeared downstairs and has not came back.

Bah.

Not sure how I feel right now. Tommorow should be interesting thats for sure.
I finally got a Calgary number so it's legit that I live here.
But it's also costing me stupid amounts.
I don't know, I'm in pain and miss people.
But I did buy the best thing EVER at the Unicorn tonight.
Hello vagina tickler from a vending machine thing.
Best dollar ever.
And baby powder all over the bathroom floor.
Lawl.