NYE

Entering the new year in fake lashes, body suit and nipples stickers.

will never change.

I should be packing but, well, that makes it real. More real then it actually feels like. So instead I'm going to listen to sad songs on repeat.

Her hair.

Maybe I just don't get it. Maybe I'm just out of the loop or missing some key component. Because when it all comes down to it I just don't understand. Why can't things ever just stay good? It is totally an oblivious state to be in? Or just for me? I'd like to think I'm pretty constant. In this situation I know what I want. I always have, because it has never changed. So with that I don't know why it can't just work out. Why it can't just run smoothly. Why it isn't easy. Just, why. I can't understand why. I've put myself out there, I've pulled back. I've went away and I've came back but it doesn't change now does it? And now I'm starting to think that your mad at me for leaving. Yeah, in your shoes I'd be mad too. If not mad then upset. But like I've stated, I've always been here. I've waited around, I've thrown myself at you, I've been broken down and tried to move on but I can't. And I hate it because every song is falling into place with perfect lyrics from what I expect your point of view to be. What I want it to be. I know it's mine. And maybe your sitting back thinking this is all easy for me when it isn't. It is one of the hardest things I've had to do so far in my life. Each day I'm bi-polar with emotions. I don't know how to feel about it all and I can't grasp my mind around it all. But what do you expect me to do? You know there is a huge part of me telling me not to leave when the times are good. Because the times ARE good. I've reached a point in my life where I can say I'm not only content but happy with where I am in life and how it's going. I have good people in my life, people that make me smile and that make me laugh. People that I know I can go to at the end of the day and just let loose and be myself. And there's you. Through all the hot and the cold. The on and the off. There is you. But what do you want me to do? Stay behind and hope that this time it's for real? Because as much as I want that to be true you can't promise me that. I can't sit back and let this opportunity pass me by like I've let so many others. So yes, a part of me is devastated on the fact that I'm basically tossing my life I have now away. It hurts and I don't know what to say to anyone. I don't know how to tell anyone how I'm feeling. I don't want to say goodbye to this period in my life. I'm absolutly terrified of what my life will be when this program ends. I have no idea what will be left when it's all said and done and that's something that keeps me up at night. It doesn't feel like I'm leaving but in the back of my mind I'm constantly counting down. Thinking thoughts like "Is this the last time I'll see this person?" and trying to remember every little detail in case I never get that chance again. Even right now I'm fighting to get the words out. It feels so silly to be this caught up and this upset because I know 6 months isn't that long of a time. I know that. But so much changes and can change in 6 months. So to me 6 months feels like a lifetime. 6 months feels like the end.

Gumbo

Let's reword that. I'm ready to go because I can't keep waiting around and having nothing to do with myself. I mean, I have a hundred things I need to do before I leave but right now I can't do anything. I can't pack, I can't go out shopping for what I need. I can't deal with the goodbyes and lists, full of lists. There are millions of thoughts going through my mind. Millions of little fragments of thoughts that begin with or end in goodbyes. I gave my two-weeks on Thursday, goodbye.

Countdown

OKAY, I'm ready to go now.

4,147 km

5601 Dalton Drive NW Calgary, Alberta
1. Head northeast on Dalton Dr NW towards Dalhousie Dr NW 0.1km
2. Take the 1st right onto Dalhousie Dr NW 0.4km
3. Turn left at Shaganappi Trail NW 0.6km
4. Slight right towards John Laurie Blvd NW 0.3km
5. Continue straight onto John Laurie Blvd NW 1.8km
6. Slight left to stay on John Laurie Blvd NW 3.0km
7. Turn right on McKnight Blvd NW 5.7km
8. Slight right towards Barlow Trail NE 0.3km
9. Continue straight toward Barlow Trail NE 2.8km
10. Take the ramp into HWY-1 E [Entering Saskatchewan] 750km
11. Exit onto HWY-1E/E Victoria Ave E 554km
Continue to follow HWY-1E [Entering Manitoba]
12. Take the By-Pass/HWY-100/Perimeter HWY ramp to Kenora 0.4km
13. Merge onto HWY-100/Perimeter Hwy E 39.3km
14. Take the ramp to HWY-1 E 0.4km
15. Turn right at HWY-1 E [Entering Ontario] 142km
16. Continue onto King’s Hwy 17 37.8km
17. Slight left to stay on King’s HWY 17 0.9km
18. Continue onto Kenora Bypass 33.5km
19. Continue straight onto King’s Hwy 17 149km
20. Turn left to stay on King’s Hwy 17 0.7km
21. Take the 2nd right to stay on King’s Hwy 17 278km
22. Turn left at King’s Hwy 102 32.9km
23. Turn left at King’s Hwy 11/Thunder Bay Expy E 108km
Contine to follow King’s Hwy 11
24. Turn left to stay on King’s Hwy 11 613km
25. Turn right to stay on King’s Hwy 11 73km
26. Turn left to stay on King’s Hwy 11 63.2km
27. Turn left at King’s Hwy 66 [Entering Quebec] 58.3km
28. Continue onto TC 19.4km
29. Turn left at Route 101/TC 22km
Continue to follow TC
30. Turn right at Avenue Du Lac 0.4km
31. Continue onto Avenue Lariviere 6.3km
32. Continue onto Route MC Watters 22.8km
33. Continue onto TC 71.8km
34. Continue onto 3e Av O 5.8 km
35. At the roundabout, take the 2nd exit onto Route 117 28.3km
36. Continue onto TC 257km
37. Continue straight onto Boulevard Albiny-Paquette/Route 309/TC/TC S 223km
Continue to follow TC S
38. Take the exit on the left onto QC-40 E/TC E towards Quebec 11.3km
39. Take exit 80-S for QC-25/T-C Hwy towards QC-20 0.6km
40. Merge onto QC-25 S/TC E 416km
Continue to follow TC E
41. Slight left at QC-20 E/Route 20 E 22.2km
42. Turn right at Route 132 E/Route 132 O 75.8km
Continue to follow Route 132 O
43. Turn left at Route 132 44m
44. Turn right to stay on Route 132 13.6km
45. Slight right at Boulevard De le Riviere 0.3km
46. Turn left at Rue De L Eveche O 0.5km
47. Take the 1st right onto Avenue Rouleau 0.2km
48. Take the 3rd left onto Rue Saint-Joseph O 66m
124 Rue Saint-Joseph Ouest, Rimouski QC

LadaDeDa

What I remember from last night...

- Sitting on kitchen floor drinking, Tye comes home. I jump up and offer shots.
- Spilling orange juice all over not the right card. Forgetting real card at home.
- "Put your hands up if you just saw my nipples." Everyone puts up hand.
- Slapping Toph in the face. Him slapping me in the face. Twice.
- Real feelings.
- "Want more?" *shake head* "Pussy!" Take more.
- Losing my coat, lol well. Thinking I lost my coat.
- Epic adventure to McDonalds.
-Puking thinking I'm at work.

All and all, great success.

Not so strong.

What a stupid day. Words mean nothing. Nothing at all. I'm just tired and worn out and over everything. Say what you mean. Act like you mean half of what you say. If you don't want it to be that way then don't. But don't fuck around with me. So just fuck it, hello rum.

Lost Lost. Lost

I was feeling sad

Can't help looking back
Highways flew by
Run, run, run away
No sense of time
Like you to stay
Want to keep you inside

CCAAGGA

A few thoughts of today:

un; Please don't rain on my parade. You may not think it's something but it is to me. This is something to me and for you just to bring it down and act like it means nothing feels like you're basically spitting in my face. Just be happy for me. You have what you want, let me have what I want.

deux; Even if you don't remember, I do remember. And I'm going to hold onto the hope that even a fraction of what you said is the truth. Because the things that you said and the way you acted is the person I fell for and as the saying goes...

trios; You intimidate me. I don't think that's going to change. I'll always be that awkward girl that says weird things and that boys like you don't notice.

quatre; Time, can you just please slow down for a minute? I'm running out of days real quick and I still have a list full of things I need to do before I leave. So please, just give me a chance.

cinq; All I want is to be a part of something. To make a difference. To have a little piece of something to call my own. And maybe it doesn't seem like I have much now, but I'm working towards something. And sure, I may be leaving alot behind, but think of what I may gain. How can I not do it looking at life like that?

six; Also, where are my roomies? I'm over being home alone all the time.

ah, bay, say, day

Listen,listen. I'm listening carefully,to where exactly you might be.
Cause I've had enough waiting.I've had enough waiting for you.
I'm thinking,I'm thinking. You're growing old with someone.
As beautiful as you, just ask me to. Just ask me to.I'm recalling.
Recalling. Putting on jackets way too thin.To fight against cold way too thick.
And it coming down sideways and you clearing my eyes.
I've had a little too much to think.I've had a little too much to think.
And empty rooms tend to make,me believe in you.Surrounded by everything I own.
Boxed and labeled, ready to go.Not before time, not before time.I'm listening, I'm listening.

Turn around.

It's always how it goes, right before I go I have to become on bad terms with someone close to me. It's just how it works. Either I leave or they leave and it's not a goodbye or even a say taking the time to say bye at all.

So what do I do? It really makes no sense to me. Don't say you aren't mad when clearly you are. We used to hang out all the time and chat all the time. And now I get one word answers and haven't seen you in probably like 2 weeks or so. I don't get it. Well, okay I guess I do get it but it's my life and I'm going to do what makes me happy. And maybe at the end of the day you won't like that or won't approve but it's not your choice. You are supposed to be my friend and be there for me and support me with what I want. Support, not agree with. I would do that same with you. But I guess it maybe doesn't work both ways. I just hope you come around before I go.

rhinoceros feet

and elephant shoes.

Cocounuts.

I don't want to pack up my stuff.
I don't want to leave here.
Not just yet.
Not right now.

Listen

He calms her down. Every minute together brings her breathing down to a normal level. She does not stress. The beating of his heart resonates in her ears encasing her in the rhythm and flow of each beat. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. To her this feels like home. The shallow breaths in his chest and the beat of his heart in her ear. She cannot think of one single place she would rather be. Or one single thought other then that moment. On the outside one might think she was smitten with him. In her mind she's not too sure. She would rather sit and watch his movements and memorize his face then fret over the what-if of the situation. One less tomorrow, she thinks, and one more yesterday. If only she could live in her yesterdays.

It's never too late.

Please not right now. Not today, I'm already having a bad day. I leave in a month.

Starmile.

Another yesterday and one less tomorrow.

Mrs. Robinson

I don’t have a way with words anymore. I think at one point I did. I could convey what I wanted and had a vocabulary that extended that of a 10 year old, which I now feel consumed in. I could accurately place words in order to say what I needed to say and express what needed expressed. Now, I’m lucky if I even can have the words to keep up a normal conversation. So in that sense I feel deflated. As if all my words have been let out into the air and I’m just me, laying in a pool of stretched out existence. Or something like that.

I got lost in my thoughts today. It got to the extent where it enclosed my entire mind process and took away my ability to be here in the moment. Every thought was dedicated to the past and my existence. Something drew me to the picture of my father. Let me clarify, the only picture of my father. A picture of him biking down my childhood street, likely around the age of 16 surrounded by green grass and clear blue skies. Let’s note this first, the fact that I referred to him as my father. I’ve noticed that ever since he died I can actually associate him with that. My father. It’s a weird concept and has such a weird taste coming out of my mouth, but that is in fact what he is. My father, the other half of my DNA. Before he died you would never hear those words come out of my mouth. To everyone that knew me his existence was not needed. I was merly here to spite him and nothing to do with him. If referenced in conversation he would be accurately named my ‘sperm donor’. But it’s all different now. I can say he was my father and I can associate myself with him and in his life. But back to the picture. I was just drawn into it for no particular reason. It made me wonder what was going on in his life at the time. He seems so carefree and at ease, so it must be before I was born right? Or before I was conceived and put a damper on his life. I don’t know this person in the picture. I didn’t know him then. If I didn’t know any better I could go off assuming that he is a total stranger. There is nothing there that I recognize. I have absolutely zero memories associated with this person. Nothing that connects me to him and yet at that moment all I wanted was one single thing that I could think of that made him anything more then a stranger. I don’t know that face, that face that is supposed to look exactly like mine. Where I get my features from. But I don’t have a single thread of connection. I can’t say with conviction that I look like my dad because I don’t know and will never know. I can’t say I get my laugh from him or any aspect of my personality. I can’t say anything and at a moment when more then anything that’s what I wanted.

On a different level of this it’s absolutely mind blowing how the saying you-date-your-father works so well. Probably in more eloquently put words but the truth is there. I had no clue what my father was like. He could have been anything. A construction worker. A lawyer. Working at subway, who knows. But he biked. All the time. It was ‘his thing’. And I have this weird deep rooted desire to be with bikers. I see someone on a fixed gear or a bmx and I’m automatically drawn to them. It’s like I’m tuned in to notice them or want something to do with them. Look at my history and who I go for and it’s full of guys like that. It’s just so crazy how something I know nothing about can make such a major impact on my life.

In the morning in the window

I have too much stuff. It's stupid. Who really has a need for this much stuff? I'm trying to move stuff around in my room so I can fit everything and things are breaking. Stuff is falling everywhere, I'm trying my hardest not to scream. Thanks for the hoarder qualities family but I'm over it!