Her hair.

Maybe I just don't get it. Maybe I'm just out of the loop or missing some key component. Because when it all comes down to it I just don't understand. Why can't things ever just stay good? It is totally an oblivious state to be in? Or just for me? I'd like to think I'm pretty constant. In this situation I know what I want. I always have, because it has never changed. So with that I don't know why it can't just work out. Why it can't just run smoothly. Why it isn't easy. Just, why. I can't understand why. I've put myself out there, I've pulled back. I've went away and I've came back but it doesn't change now does it? And now I'm starting to think that your mad at me for leaving. Yeah, in your shoes I'd be mad too. If not mad then upset. But like I've stated, I've always been here. I've waited around, I've thrown myself at you, I've been broken down and tried to move on but I can't. And I hate it because every song is falling into place with perfect lyrics from what I expect your point of view to be. What I want it to be. I know it's mine. And maybe your sitting back thinking this is all easy for me when it isn't. It is one of the hardest things I've had to do so far in my life. Each day I'm bi-polar with emotions. I don't know how to feel about it all and I can't grasp my mind around it all. But what do you expect me to do? You know there is a huge part of me telling me not to leave when the times are good. Because the times ARE good. I've reached a point in my life where I can say I'm not only content but happy with where I am in life and how it's going. I have good people in my life, people that make me smile and that make me laugh. People that I know I can go to at the end of the day and just let loose and be myself. And there's you. Through all the hot and the cold. The on and the off. There is you. But what do you want me to do? Stay behind and hope that this time it's for real? Because as much as I want that to be true you can't promise me that. I can't sit back and let this opportunity pass me by like I've let so many others. So yes, a part of me is devastated on the fact that I'm basically tossing my life I have now away. It hurts and I don't know what to say to anyone. I don't know how to tell anyone how I'm feeling. I don't want to say goodbye to this period in my life. I'm absolutly terrified of what my life will be when this program ends. I have no idea what will be left when it's all said and done and that's something that keeps me up at night. It doesn't feel like I'm leaving but in the back of my mind I'm constantly counting down. Thinking thoughts like "Is this the last time I'll see this person?" and trying to remember every little detail in case I never get that chance again. Even right now I'm fighting to get the words out. It feels so silly to be this caught up and this upset because I know 6 months isn't that long of a time. I know that. But so much changes and can change in 6 months. So to me 6 months feels like a lifetime. 6 months feels like the end.