Go-getter.

It's Saturday night. My room is a mess. There are crumbs all over my bed and I am alone. Alone with my thoughts and Sufjan Stevens. But, I think maybe I'm okay with this all. I think this is what I need. I need to wake up and look around. Realize that I need to start doing something. I need to start somewhere and get to somewhere else. I need a path. A goal. Anything. I need something other then nights filled with bruises and heartache. I don't know where to start but I think it's about time to figure it out. I don't know where to start or where I'm going to end up. But tonight, tonight I'm starting something. At least that's what I tell myself.

This time no.

I know I'm not supposed to say I miss you. But I miss you. Oh man do I ever miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss being the little spoon and kisses before you went to work. I miss laughing with you and having stupid inside jokes. I miss being happy. Happy because of you and because I knew I could come home to you. And even though you acted weird when I cried I knew it was because you cared. And you made me laugh it away. Ugh, and now that I think you might be coming back soon I don't know what to do because of everything that has happened. I don't want to sleep alone but I don't want to know you are sleeping with someone else. In someone elses bed. I don't know.

Best part for last

I'm rough. I'm the girl who likes to play dirty with the boys. The one that has a big enough potty mouth that sometimes even the boys cringe. I'm the one that's not afraid to get down and dirty. Who will not turn down a wrestling match or back down to someone double the size. I'm the girl who's always covered in bruises and scrapes. Most of which I'm not even too sure where they came from. I like to believe that showering is optional and is fine with pulling clothes off the floor and running out the door. I'm like to bomb through traffic with my music blaring and believing I'm invinsible. I'm the reason why people who drive hate bikers. I'm the girl who wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror and calls it good enough. I don't like to take ages to get ready or make sure every hair is in place. I'd rather put on something comfortable and skiddish then worry that everything matches. I hate bras and find them super uncomfortable. So chances are you are going to see my nipples from time to time and I'm okay with that. I'm not going to put on makeup to impress someone because this is the way my face looks. You'll see it with everyone eventually but I'd rather be upfront. I like to chase my beer with shots of tequila. And when I drink I smoke alot. It makes me happy. I can probably drink you under the table and still make it to work the next morning. So maybe when you get to know me you won't like me. Maybe that's not who you expect me to be but that's who I am. So love it or leave it.

battle ground

I got called out tonight. Called out on the fact that my life is slowly heading in a distructive direction. All I could do was agree and ramble out some half witted excuses because the truth is too heavy on a night like tonight. How can you voice the fact that maybe life isn't as smooth as it seems. That there are days where you just want the world to wait. To hit snooze on life and sleep for another five, ten minutes. And then maybe you will be ready to rub the sleep from your eyes and take babysteps forward. I don't know where to start. I don't know what is the most important and which is the least. So I just let things stack up. Piles and mountains. Collecting dust and laying down stress. But I don't know what else to do. It feels like all I can do is tell myself I'll do it later. I'll deal with it later. Hoping by some off chance it will just dissapear or work out on it's own. My room is cluttered and so is my mind. Lists and tasks to cross off and put behind. Maybe is it so hard to say, maybe I'm just, maybe I'm just not that happy? Not anymore.

6 in the morn.

Sometimes I just don't want to come home. Sometimes I don't want to end the night feeling worn down, hurt and angry. Sometimes I don't want to look around and see not what I have but what I don't have any longer. Sometimes I just want to feel like I'm coming home to something. Something that will last longer then a week, a month... something stable. Sometimes I don't want to have that constant worry that everything I have in my life is just temporary. I don't want to wake up every morning thinking about where I'm going to go next. When the next move will be. Where I'll have to go then. Or how another friendship will wind down. Another place to add to the list of settings that will go unfamiliar because I'm no longer welcome there or that time has past by. Sometimes I get tired of living out of boxes and not really having anywhere to call home. Sometimes I get lonely. Or maybe lately I just feel lonely all the time because I'm waiting for everything I have now to pack up and leave.