You can forget it, I get it. I just don't let it get to me.

It's funny how people change and act differently when they find out that you could be dying. Maybe I made a mistake? Maybe it's time for a do-over. Maybe I need something to get me out of this weird rut that I'm in. Or maybe I shouldn't be thinking this hard this early.

Oh and maybe I didn't want to know these things. Maybe I wanted to go on in a false world believing that I was the only one and that what you said had some merit. That the things you said weren't to get what you wanted and some mind game. But that's just me, I fall for these things because I want so bad to love and be loved in return. And maybe I'm just not lovable.

Love eveything you've always,

So I guess almost dying put your life in perspective. That and rain.
So what I'm saying is, I say these things. I put things in perspective. But in the end everything I'm forcing to make you avoid is what I want in the first place. Waking up here is not the way I want it to be. And maybe I thought it would be different.

Somewhere far far far away.

I'm thinking maybe I should be a little bit concerned with the path life is taking me in life. I mean really, how productive do my days seem to end up. And it's like every day I somehow manage to get myself in some weird sticky situation and it doesn't seem to bother me at all. I mean, in the end that's just my life and that's the way I live so it's no big deal to me. I'm starting to think Linen doesn't really see it that way. She talks about low expectations and how she doesn't need much in life but something in her face is telling me that she's not happy. And well, I don't really know what I can do about it because overall I'm pretty content. I have some things set out, not much but something. I love coming home to this place and I'm okay sitting around doing nothing. I don't have to be constantly entertained. I can just sit in silence and do nothing and I'll be totally okay with it. I guess in that way I have the only child syndrome. Where I can find ways to entertain myself because I only had myself. At least in theory. But there gets to a point where I can tell she is just hating everything about life and I'm good to just lay on the couch listening to music or doing something stupid with the guys because well, that's life. And I've already lived this before. This is kind of normal for me. I know what to expect and I guess I just sort of forget that she doesn't really know what to expect and this is not the norm from her. All that she knows is the life living at home. And now here she is, pretty much alone in a different city for the first time with me. Me of all people. It's like somewhere along the line she made a bad choice because I'm not the prime candidate for setting people off on their feet. I am just a weird person. I don't know if people fully realize it but maybe I have a few nuts loose somewhere and I'm alright with that. And I'm way honest. Just way too honest with everyone about everything and that might be a bad thing. But that's just the way I work. I'm honest with everyone. I will give everyone the time of day and I will at chance tell people my crazy stories. I don't have a line that shouldn't be crossed. I mean, I'm sure at one point I did have that line but in time it just faded and now I'm sure most of the people I know think I'm crazy. I spent a good portion of the day today looking at weird porn and reading bad sex stories. With everyone around me knowing that and I think that a normal person might be ashamed of that or might not voice that. But I'm getting way off topic. I think she just sort of expects more out of life. I know the first time I was on my own I sort of expected more from life. It's the first time entering into the real world escaping from under the wing that was your comfort for so long and realizing that it's so hard to just fall down slippery slops and not really have much going for you. The thing is, I'm one to just embrace those sorts of things. I'm okay with the downfalls because I know in the end things are going to work out, at least to some degree and if not you collect your things, regroup and try again. It's sad because sometimes I just wonder what it would be like to only worry about number one again. Just me and not having to worry about anyone else. It would be all fine because I'm fine but I brought her here, with nothing but me where as this is my home and I have things here. I have people I can go and talk to. I have people within reach of me. I have these bonds and memories with people and places. When I go down the street the buildings are familiar. I'm not going to get lost or worried about getting lost because that time has long past. Sure, things have changed drastically every time I've been back in Calgary but overall it's not far from the same. I'm still me, trying to live the dream. Ever changing and adapting. Sometimes it's not fair to feel like I'm in control of her life. That I have to bring her under my wing and support her because I had to do it basically on my own. Last time I was here I knew just Dave and I somehow made something here with no help. I was down in the dumps numerous times, crying trying to find any way to make it through and I managed and that got me to where I am now. It was the freedom that everyone needs and sometimes I feel like she is missing out on it all. I just want her to get something here. Start off because right now I feel like I have to sort of pause my life a bit and help her along and I've done that so long that it's like, when is it going to be my time? It's so upsetting thinking that soon enough these guys aren't going to be around here anymore. They will be gone and doing the things they do and it's a good chance that I will never see them again. Or at least for a very long time. And what if by that point I don't have anything here anymore? What if they are the reason at points I love being in Calgary so much? I've already lost Dave, he left and changed and is now back in the Deer. I lost Jenny because to her I'm just a lying deceiving bitch and not worthy of her time. I've basically lost Tye because of the way life goes with rumors and weird situations and everything. John left and is basically no longer a part of my life so it's like, come on life. Stop giving me things and taking them away. It's not fair. It's like a kid in a pet store, you can play with the pets for a while but can't take them home. What's also weird is that the whole Katimavik thing no longer feels real at all. I look at pictures from it and of them in it now and there's not really that fond remembrance but more a question of how well I knew these people in the first place. Was I really myself? Because who I am now is nothing close to the person I was during that all. Or at least that's how it feels now. It's like that part of my life which isn't that far in the past has just been erased from my life and now no longer exists. I'm stepping back into my life roughly where I stopped in the first place. Maybe that's what's making it seem this way. I don't know, I just have so many thoughts going on right now. Where is my life taking me and should I start working on a plan or keep on keepin on?

Oh and I miss my bike like something fierce. I miss that part of me and I feel like I'm losing it. I want to go rip and go on these bike rides and feel like I'm part of something again. But instead I'm on my two feet and craving the freedom of busy roads and epic rips.

May Long long long.

Man, such a good night. 3 cups of coffee. 2 Depth Charges. Way too high to get ready and yet looking super hot. Dream weaver themesong of my summer. 2 cop cars and 1 ambulance. Guys from Katimavik at bar. Glow in the dark party. Your Love Is my Drug. Random guy's house party making friends. Drinking free Pilsner. You're middle name should Danger. Skateboarding on the street. Oh dream weaver.

A day in the...

Drag Queen. Guy pulling out lines from The Pickup Game or whatev's it's name is. Beer and poutine. Air pump bongs. Oh lordy, lordy.

Dream Weaver.

How am I even still alive? Last night, whoa. Could have been the best/worst invention EVER. So good man, so good.

Quilts

Well, that was weird. But nice at the same time. Wonder what that was about?

Effort Enough

one. There's something about people coming home that makes everything worthwhile and feel good again. Such a simple thing that completes the circle and erases a bad day.
two. Goodbyes can sometimes be the hardest and best thing you can do. So I decided today that if you can't even make it to say goodbye to me then obviously you shouldn't be in my life. When I was younger my mom had simple advice that I try my hardest to adhere to till this day. That is you never leave angry or on an angry tone. Just like the saying goes, never go to bad mad. Expect this one is different because you never know when you are going to see these people again. You don't know if something will happen and that could be the last time you will ever see them or talk to them again. So you want your lasting memory to be something pleasant, on good terms. Not in the heats of a silly argument. And to always say tell them you love them as your last word. Even if you could rip this persons head off, if you love them, let them know. Who knows if you ever get the chance to say it again. And well back to the point, I've had people walk out on me and leave without a goodbye time and time again. And that's it. It's not that hard to muster up the time for a hug, a quick passing of best wishes, I love you's if you do and a goodbye. So no goodbyes, mean no more hellos.
three. I want to travel. I'm getting that bug again. I want to live somewhere else. Start over clean with nothing but myself to know. I want to embark on a new adventure. Now's the hard part, figuring out how, where to and what for.
four. Mister dread-boy, why must you be so attractive to me and so far out of reach? I don't even know your name and know that when your close enough, the smell of you makes me want to consumed in it.

black eyes

I want you, I want you, I want you to come home.

Depth Charge

I wanting to sit down and write everything down to get it out and remember it. But I keep getting high and not able to find the words or the effort to put it down. Once again I'm in that situation so I'll just take the time to put down this simple thought. It's like we are playing house tag arn't we? You start here, I find you, switch, I take over, new location, you find me, switch, you take over, new location, switch and I'm supposed to find you again. Cause that's sort of how it works right? You were torn up over me right? You were a mess, that's alright. I'll find you, if that's the way it's supposed to work out, I'll find you.

Could this be out of line?

I just want something to get me through this.

Something is not right with me.

2 energy drinks
3 beers
pot cookie batter
1 pot cookie

BADBADBAD idea.

Note to self: Don't try to skateboard while under the influnence. My poor elbow.

Torn paper.

What to do? What to do? I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

Vitamins

The truth is I want a boyfriend. I want someone that I can go to and just forget about life for a while. Someone I can go to and talk freely with because we are at that level and there is that care and that love there. I want to curl up with someone in bed on a gloomy day and just cuddle not having to say anything because the company of that person is good enough. It doesn't feel like a waste of a day but more spending quality time with someone you care about. I miss cheesy text messages and written notes with pet names and underlying romantic tones. I miss waking up next to someone who would give so much for you without even having to ask. That has something to offer and willing to do it because they desire to. Not because of expectations or what they can get in return. I'm not used to being alone. Throughout my life there has almost constantly been a number two to my life. Someone to fill in the face in the blank part of my life. Even if it's just on that flirty just seeing each other level. There is something so desirable about that process of getting to know each other and bonding because of mutual attraction and mutual interest in each other. I know I've said it time and time again but I miss the little things like holding hands. There is something so intimate about holding hands to me, something more then sleeping together and anything else because it's putting your relationship out there in the most casual way possible. It says to the world that you are comfortable together and a part of something and you want it to be known. It's immature and something so small but something I crave. With relationships they enter you into a world that you may have never thought of before because people are so different and have various views of life. But at this point I don't have that. I don't have anything close to it and it's such a strange feeling and state to be in. I'm not used it it. I'm not accustomed to figuring out things on my own and having just myself to deal with. I say over and over again that it's a time for growth and learning about yourself but I've grown on my own and I find that I grow better with people close to me. I like having someone to lean on. A partner in crime. I feel so young but there are times like these where I have this desire to settle down with someone and grow not only as an individual but as a couple. I desire something more then the life of singledom. As far back as I can recall I've wanted to be a mother. There are times like these where I wish for nothing more then to have something dependant on me. That I can pass my views and lifestyles on and watch them grow into there own person with there own views and opinions on life. Because you never really know who they will become or what they will contribute to life. People say it to me time and time again that I would be an awesome mother and I feel that in my heart to be true. I crave the time that I can prove it to not only myself but to everyone else. I know I'm not in that position to my life. I have debt I have to pay off and I have to set out a life for myself. It's a contributing factor to why I'm so hard on myself and why I feel so down about where I am because the more time I waste and dabble in different things is time that I add onto when I can finally become what I want to be. I have this vision in my mind of exactly how I want my life to play out. The kind of way I would raise my kids. The values I will give them and the ways of life I want them to adapt to. It's crazy but I'm baby-crazy right now. Relationship-crazy and baby-crazy. But I crave something more then what I have right now.

Too late

Where do you go when you need to talk to someone about some deeper then just the weather? It seems like now-a-days nobody is willing to take on the heavy subjects but yet these are a normal part of life. Bad things happen to good people. So who do you go to when you just need to talk it out? It's hard to feel comforted and like things will turn out okay when nobody is willing to tell you that. Sometimes that's all you want to hear as obscene as that as. You need to hear yes, things are going to be okay. Even if you know it will be there is something that is only set off in your mind by hearing it from someone who genuinely cares about your well being. Because the truth is I know I will be okay. It's crazy to believe anything other then I will be okay. That's the thing I get myself into ruts all the time. I have a way of sneaking my way into sketchy situations and having to squeeze my way out of them. But I always manage to figure a way out of them and this isn't any different. It's just harder this time because life tends to work in circles. Coincidence happen way more then I'd like it to and cycle through all over again.

Come on let's take them home.

Awe yeah, ready to go pick up some 16 year old boys.

We remember our right now

It's so bizarre to think that in a couple hours it will be, what, 2 years that you've been gone. Even just writing that down sent the worst feeling down to the pit of my stomach. I just read through my emails written right after you left. It's so easy to replay those feelings. That utter despair and sheer loss of will towards life in all aspects. Even to this day it feels like there is a part of me missing and I try to imagine where my life would be if circumstances had been different. Would I still be putting myself in these situations? Making bad decisions with ultimately unfortunate outcomes? The truth is that I will never know because for whatever reason it was your time to leave. Each year around this time something subconsciously forces me into this negative downwards spiral. I get worn down and easily agitated. Worrying and stressing and generally feeling down in the dumps. It's like the inner core of me is mourning for the loss of you still. I wish I knew what you'd say to cheer me up. But the truth is I lost the ability to read you and your wisdom long ago. I don't remember the way your voice sounds. The way you placed words in a sentence or the tone of your voice. I do remember you constantly singing and acting as if everything was a drum. Or at least in my memories it was constant, who knows now? I don't remember how you used to smell or the weird little quirks about you. It feels weird to say your name or relate things to you because you're not someone I can run into on the street and introduce you to people as the one I loved. I can't act like we've had a falling apart or went separate ways because you're gone and always will be gone. They say stories and memories will keep you alive always but the truth is trying to talk about you just brings up awkward conversations. When things start with "My dead ex.." or anything around those lines people stop knowing how to act normal and start to sympathize with you. I don't want it. I don't want to dust off those old feelings and wear them once again. I've grown up, or at least I'm trying to grow up. The person I am now might not need to go to you for every piece of advice you could muster up. The me I am now could probably hold a normal relationship. Could be in the midst of forming and sustaining a real relationship and I don't want to think that way because you were my forever and the days keep slipping by and not one of them is part of that forever.