We remember our right now

It's so bizarre to think that in a couple hours it will be, what, 2 years that you've been gone. Even just writing that down sent the worst feeling down to the pit of my stomach. I just read through my emails written right after you left. It's so easy to replay those feelings. That utter despair and sheer loss of will towards life in all aspects. Even to this day it feels like there is a part of me missing and I try to imagine where my life would be if circumstances had been different. Would I still be putting myself in these situations? Making bad decisions with ultimately unfortunate outcomes? The truth is that I will never know because for whatever reason it was your time to leave. Each year around this time something subconsciously forces me into this negative downwards spiral. I get worn down and easily agitated. Worrying and stressing and generally feeling down in the dumps. It's like the inner core of me is mourning for the loss of you still. I wish I knew what you'd say to cheer me up. But the truth is I lost the ability to read you and your wisdom long ago. I don't remember the way your voice sounds. The way you placed words in a sentence or the tone of your voice. I do remember you constantly singing and acting as if everything was a drum. Or at least in my memories it was constant, who knows now? I don't remember how you used to smell or the weird little quirks about you. It feels weird to say your name or relate things to you because you're not someone I can run into on the street and introduce you to people as the one I loved. I can't act like we've had a falling apart or went separate ways because you're gone and always will be gone. They say stories and memories will keep you alive always but the truth is trying to talk about you just brings up awkward conversations. When things start with "My dead ex.." or anything around those lines people stop knowing how to act normal and start to sympathize with you. I don't want it. I don't want to dust off those old feelings and wear them once again. I've grown up, or at least I'm trying to grow up. The person I am now might not need to go to you for every piece of advice you could muster up. The me I am now could probably hold a normal relationship. Could be in the midst of forming and sustaining a real relationship and I don't want to think that way because you were my forever and the days keep slipping by and not one of them is part of that forever.