People used to tell me all the time that I should write a book about my life. I guess I never fully looked at my life in context to understand why it seemed plausible. That is until now. I think the problem is that when it comes to putting it down in words I am very distracted. I can't keep on a single thought and I censor what I'm putting down as if I can't relate fully to the truth. I lie to myself all the time and convince my mind of things that are completely untrue. If something bothers me it's as if something in my mind goes off and makes me believe it's not as bad as it truly is. I won't give myself credit for what I have to overcome and I make my problems and situations out to be nothing out of the ordinary, as if they happen every day when in reality no. No, they really don't. I am a strong person I know that, but I not as strong as I think I am. I think it's a great deal of suppressed emotions and thoughts I push back further and further until they aren't really existent anymore. Only sometimes to be exposed at the right time with the right people. I'm sure it's not healthy but it's automatic and I don't really notice that I'm even doing it. It's funny because after all that speech I don't know what to say. I came on here with the intention of writing about the situation I am in and how it's affecting me and all I can come up with is that. That little speech and analyzing of my inner workings.
Chris told me what I really need to someone that I can talk to about my life and what's going on. Unfortunately I've realized I don't really have many people for that so hello mr.blogspot. I guess you could say this is an end to another chapter of my life and I'm headed into the next with a not very positive attitude. I was told this morning that 'Beth' no longer wants me staying here anymore. For whatever reason she has it does make sense to some degree. I have been here for almost a month and she is essentially paying to some extent for it. I put quotations around her name because as the day goes on I'm slowly starting to think it's more Dave.
As I put that it kind of sounds absurd and not truthful. I think I may be hurt to some degree and this is just my rationalization of that. I can't decide how I feel about him at all. The feelings for range all over the scale, some of the things he says and does I just question why I am even around him or want anything to do with him. He goes off on these tangents about stuff I could care less about and about death and these things that he has done and I start off caring but my mind just trails off. He just has so much pent up aggression and anger that he doesn't work out and in a way it scares me. I'm scared to get in too deep and for him to hit me or something. Things like that just throw up so many red flags. But then other times he is really awesome and we have so much fun together and he's a really good friend. About a week ago I broke down crying and I told him how I was thinking I had to go back to Red Deer and he got really upset and was hugging me and then said "I don't want you to leave, your my best friend". Then there is times where I just want to jump him and hug him and kiss him and it's so off the scale. I can't decide where I stand with it and what I should do. It changes so many times a day.
Back on topic, I think I'm just hurt. I'm hurt because it's likely my last day/night here and I'm feeling so uncomfortable. It's hard enough to be in a place where you are not wanted without having things to add on top of it. He spend a good 4 hours talking to his ex. I know it shouldn't bother me and he tells me that what has happened is done for and what not but I can read people way better then they give me credit for. He's essentially me and I know what he's feeling right now. He's right back into getting sucked into her and everything she was. As much as he fights it and says it's not happening I can see deeper then that. On the weekend they got together and she cried to him and told him how much she loved him and what not. He's been really different since that happened. It's funny cause when he said he was going to see her I told him exactly what was going to happen and how she was going to throw herself at him and basically beg for him to take her back. But he had to question me and doubt it. Everyone does. But I know things, I'm not stupid. I've been in both of those positions so give me some credit. He's different now. They were talking and camming each other and it made me feel so uncomfortable and not wanted here and it sucks because there is nothing really I can do about it. If I were to leave where would I go? I kind of have nowhere so I am just stuck here in the middle of this awkwardness. To make it worse he just ignored me the whole time and was just so strange as if he was putting on a show on webcam. I can see through him and his walled defence on that topic. I don't know. I can't seem to put my feelings to words, or at least not fast enough. They slip away and I lose how I'm feeling. Word by word I become less caring about what has happened and becoming numb to the situation. I did feel upset and hurt about them talking but who am to step in and start caring. I'm the one who pushes him away and am so uncertain about what I want. He can only put himself out there so much and take so much. It's comfortable to be with her, it's what he knows. Who am I to say anything different? Who am I to say I would do anything different. Maybe it's a good thing Tyler has moved on and we don't talk. I feel like I've moved on and know better but who knows at this point in time. It feels like forever ago but at the same time someone I feel like if I go back to Red Deer I'll be going back to him and that life I once had. Instead of going back to the tangled mess of drama and hurt feelings.
Man I get off topic so much. My mind wanders so much and can't keep on topic. So like I said it's probably my last night here and it's an uncomfortable one at that. I'm not really too sure what to do with myself or what to even be thinking or feeling. I'm nervous and on edge thinking that Beth is going to come home and be all angry that I am still here. A part of me doesn't want to leave, I feel so comfortable here and act like it's my home. I'm gonna miss it here. I know I will. I think that's why I put off leaving. Chris offered to pick me up tonight and bring me to his place but I said no thinking this was going to be a good night here. I guess no, I mean Dave said he was going to make me food hours ago, but getting caught up on his ex seemed more important. That sounds so bitter. Maybe I am.
I was told not to worry about him or Chris or anything and not to let it affect me. The question of his faithfulness came up and put to question. He had already slept with another girl, probably his ex too even though he said they just kissed. He also had kissed like 4 or more girls so I don't know why I feel so bad about it all. I think I just wanted to feel like I was someone special. The only one for somebody and tonight just proved that is completely untrue. I know Chris feels that way about me, so why isn't that enough?
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