Le sigh.

I'm not in a good mood and I'm not even too sure why. Well, that's probably a lie. I do know why but at the same time it feels like I should just be over it and okay. It shouldn't be a big deal and I shouldn't be dwelling on anything or overreacting as I turn the same things around and around in my head.

I'm wearing myself thin. How can you tell you ask? Well, let me explain. My body is basically rejecting itself. Pretty much everywhere on me hurts. Head, shoulders, back, legs, feet, you name it it's probably hurting. I know I need to let myself rest but I just keep pushing myself further and harder and not letting myself have a moment to rest. I get up at 7:30 every morning, bike to work, start work early and then after work I usually bike around and am pretty much on my feet doing something until around 1:30 or so every night. I pass out from being so exhausted and so sore and start it all over again the next morning. Every day, day in and day out. And I'm just tired. I want a good nights sleep. I want my bed. I want some place to call my own so I can relax. It's just a never ending cycle. My knee hurts because when I walk my knee cap shifts and it inflames my knee. But I can't stop working. I can't just not put weight on that leg or use it so there's nothing I can do. Each night it gets to the point where I can barely walk, it rests overnight and then back to the grind the next morning.

On that note, did I get fat overnight or something? A part of me feels like I did. I've been way too hypercritical about my body lately and I'm pretty sure I have no reason to be. I just feel like I should be in better shape. I bike everywhere and I'm always just going so hard all day long. I'm up for hours on my feet and just going and going. Everywhere on me burns from working so hard and yet it's like it's not even making a difference at all. I feel fat and out of shape. I tried on clothes today and nothing fit. Nothing. I couldn't even fit my legs into have the shorts and stuff. Do you have any idea how depressing that is? And I mean I have been eating really good lately. Way better then I have before and trying all these new healthy things and yet I feel cuishy and out of shape. I'm probably just PSM'ing but still come on.

Is it just me or is my family completely ignoring me? For the past week or two every time I try to talk to them or say anything I get nothing in return. It's as if I fell off the face of the planet and it's really starting to bum me out. I left and in a way I have been forgotten. I just need that kind of connection to home. I don't know.