summer skin

Thoughts of today:
one. Rug burn/bruises on knees may equal good night but it might also equal the most pain in the ass shower ever and having a hard time walking in tight pants.
two. Maybe something more is wrong with my leg. Can someone please tell me that it's normal to lose feeling in your hip and surrounding area on a regular basis. Because it's happening more then I would like and spreading down my leg. I don't want to wait it out like the doctor said.
three. I have 2 options. I can pull back. Act like this isn't a big deal. Act like it doesn't bother me and otherwise try to go on normally with life. Or I can jump into it and make it a bigger deal then it is. Right now I can't really decide which would be a better idea. I know the second option would most likely make things worse and start more drama but the thing is I'm trying to stand my ground and protect my liability. I did nothing to start this. I get drug into things because of people's insane insecurity and the inability to just move on and handle things like grown ups. So instead up pulling up there panties like real ladies do I get my name slandered and spread around. It would be so easy for me to drop so much down on this, make it explode out of control. Hurt people. Start drama. Go all Matulka. But for what? For what?
four. Smoke, water. Smoke, water. Smoke, water. How much can a body take? I guess I'll find out.
five. I could stay or I could go. I could make something here or I could turn up the white flag and walk away with some sense of dignity. I could try my hardest or I could keep going on the way I'm going with an end in sight. I could screw both me and her over because I'm scared and worried and stressed about the outcome of anything to do with life. I could do one of two things. Which one though?
six. Maybe she is right. Maybe that's all that it is. But yet a part of me hates to believe it. Maybe because if that's right then what else is right? I don't know why I care. I know what it can and can't be but I can't wrap my mind around what's right and what's wrong. I can't decide where to go and how I feel about anything. I want things to feel normal. And in some sense that aspect does but I don't know if it's just me or what it is. I don't even know and I have all these worries about it because I know me. People think they know me. They think that I have a heart of steel and that I'm cold and I can drop things without a second thought. And yeah from the outside that makes sense. I would see that too. But nobody sees what goes on in my head and the struggle I go through. Nobody sees that I do hurt and these things do keep me up at night. And I wonder and I worry and I hurt just like everyone else. Nobody sees me fall. Everyone always just sees me on both feet ready to tackle what's next. And maybe I'm just really good at playing that game. I'm good at my role. I can convince you that everything is good. Miss nobody. Need nobody. Care about nobody. If only that was the truth.
seven. Jealousy. Why?
eight. I can't help but to miss you and now that you are not around it makes things worse because I question everything. Everything you had said and everything that people say to me now. And I know that if you were here really what difference would it make? And the truth is, probably not much. I wish I could believe your words but I'm pretty sure it's all part of your game. And I'm just another one of your pawns in it. Either way I miss you. This city just reminds me of you. So I'll miss you and walk down the memory lane until, well until something. I don't know yet but something.
nine. I'm lonely. I don't like being alone but the thing is I'm not really ever alone. I don't think I've been alone for longer then maybe half an hour for the past week and I'm still lonely. Lonely in the aspect that there is usually a number 2 in my life. And right now I can honestly say there is no number 2. And the cuddling and kisses and whatever don't fill that void because it's a game. Just a game. And I don't want to play right now.