seasons changed

It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling right now. It's always times like these where I need to write and get it out but nothing wants to come out. My thoughts want to stay tucked away in the darkest corners of my minds and nag me on. I'd like to say that I've done some growing up but putting that down might be too concrete of a thing to do because I'm not really sure. At times it feels like I've grown into me a little better. I understand the way I work, the way I want things, the way I let go of things and the way I hold on. I understand that sometimes you have to let go before you want to because in the end it will hurt less. I know now that maybe most of the problems do come back to me. Because I can't let go. Because I can't move on. Because maybe I don't know what's worth holding onto and what's not. I've got more in touch with who I really am and the aspects of me I can't change. At least not right now. And maybe I'm still a major work in progress. That eventually all the pieces will fit together. Even for a fraction of a moment and I can finally reveal what all this work was for. I know what can and can't be. In my mind that is. In my mind I'm pretty sensible. I can work things out and place those onto the reality of the situation. In my mind I know what's in reach and what I've been reaching towards for far too long. It's my heart that leads me astray. That part of me believes that anything can be possible. That if you love something or someone enough then it will change reality. Time can stop in a moment and change direction to give you what you want. In my heart I'm still that naive little girl that nobody really paid that much attention to. But the thing is even though I know what's possible and what's not I am still a dreamer. A believer that there is a chance that people can change. That situations will look up and become ideal. And maybe that's what crushing me right now. Because after all the so-called growing I've done a part of me is devastated at the thought of living in a place where your life will leave a giant void. With the past in the past and maybe a little in the present I don't want to be in a place like that. In some weird way the city brings people together. Paths collide and for that moment you can relive the past. Dwell on the moment when you were together in the city and it was nothing to do with coincidence. It's hard to picture life like that because even at the worst times I still was always waiting to run into you on the street. And I know soon enough that won't be a possibility. Because even at the times where I hate everything you have done to me and all the ways you've hurt me there's a moment where I see your face, or even just the back of your head and every angry part of me melts away. I wish people were more likely to take risks. To jump on the chances they had and to give love a chance. And maybe I'm just the worst hypocrite at practising what you preach.