Too young.

It stared off with me just wanting to know that he was okay. I just needed to make sure he was fine and doing good. That life was going his way, that he was happy now. That his life was on track or on the way of getting there. But, now.. I'm not too sure. I feel different. I think he made me stop and look at my life in perspective. I can't remember who I was then. I don't remember that Lisa. That naive, innocent, honest and pure Lisa. It's so unreal how 2 years can change a person. 2 years, yet some days it feels like yesterday. Just talking to him today made it feel like just yesterday. It felt like it was completely normal to talk to him and it's not over a year we are catching up on. At least the beginning of the conversation. I don't know. I'm at a loss for words. I want so much just to go back to the way things were those days. Back when I had ambition. I wrote all the time and drew and painted and.. just created in general. Where did I lose that? That was what made me, well.. me. Now who am I? I want to go back to stupid puppy love and not know what it feels like to get my heart ripped out repeatidly. Back to cute innocence. Hand holding innocence. Cuddling on the c-train and being scared of the city. I don't know when I lost my fear. The city just feels like a playground to me, my own backyard. Nothing unusual and frightening. It doesn't seem that big anymore. I miss it feeling big, I feel like I've already conquoured this place. I want to go back before everyone started dying. Back to appreciate the precious moments with people. Cherish the connections. Say what needed to be said. I think all this death has made me bitter and harsh to the real world. It changed my outlook on life in a negative way. I want to go back and change the words I said. Take away the hurt and bitter resentment I left on him. I feel in a way responsbile for his life being the way it is now. I started him down that slippery slope. I just couldn't have imagined what I said to him could affect his life so much. Best friends he called us. Best friends who just walked out on the other ones life and wasn't to be heard of again. I guess I'm not that great of a best friend. I feel like a horrible person. Maybe I've waited too long. Maybe it's too late to make it feel okay again. I don't think he's okay, and well to be honest maybe I'm not okay either. Maybe we both arn't okay. On the phone I was all happy and giddy talking about life and what I've done and been up to and then the phone is placed to the side and I'm just overcome with feelings of guilt and shame. I mean, who have I become? I seriously need to sit down and figure my stuff out. Get real goals in life, go somwhere and become something. These goals of becoming a drunk and all this stuff arn't who I am. I feel like I've been given a second chance and so far I'm not doing too good at it. After Bryan died my life just sort of plummited. Since when did I have such a huge potty mouth? Since when did I smoke? Since when did I do drugs or approve of drugs or anything? I've become such a hyprocrite about that. I was the anti drug of high school. I stayed away and didn't talk to people because they did drugs. And now look at me, saying I want to develope a slight drug problem. That's not who I am. I lost myself bad. I don't know why it took this to figure it all out. Since when did I hide my emotions and was afriad of putting them out there? Is it so hard to tell someone that you miss them? Because it is a struggle for me. I think talking to him what exactly what I needed to get a wakeup call in life. I need to set alot of things straight with people. I need to get who I was back again. I think this is going to be my first goal. I need to make things right with him.