Life's sort of funny. It's like walking down familiar streets and ending up in a part of the city you've never been before. It suddenly changes from familiar into something new. And you're not too sure if you should be scared or venture in further. Because everything you do is a risk. You risk what is possible to come and you risk not taking the chance on something new. Every day it's a choice you make. Do you let your life linger in the past or do you wander aimlessly into the future. You just have to judge what's best in each situation. What you on your own are willing to risk and for what outcome. Sometimes I get stuck in the past. I like familiar settings. I like knowing that when I go to a set place I will see certain people there. I like my belongings to be in a set place. I like my people to be in a set place and I like my feelings to be in a set place. But you see, life does not like to follow these rules. It likes to pick up people and scatter them about. Taking emotions and placing them upon people and places without questioning you beforehand. I want to stand up and say I'm in control of my own life but truth is, who is really? I want to say goodbye to the past and walk heads up in the future but a part of me will always be stuck there. I miss more then I look forward to. I live in my memories. I live in past feelings and past places. Maybe it's because right now my future is day to day. Get up, go to work, clean, bed. Get up, go to work, get drunk. Get up.. go to work.. get up.. go.. get.. go. Over and over. What really do I have to look forward to? Sometimes I wonder what I have to offer people? I look at my situation. The life I lead and it all makes sense why I'm single. I wonder if I would really want to be a part of all of this if it wasn't my choice.
"One smoke is never enough and the drinks go down too easy."
Let's be real for a second. I'm glad for where I am. I'm so greatful to who I have in my life and where I have got so far in life. But there are so many things missing. I hide my feeling behind beer googles and laugh off life instead of facing problems head on. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of not being good enough and letting people down. It's so easy to just put it aside and act like there isn't a worry in the world. But the nights come when all I want is someone to lay beside me and be proud of me. I guess what I'm trying to say is, well. You left me behind. You went ahead in life. You followed your dreams, you followed your plans and you left me behind wondering every day if you're going to be okay and where you are. You left me behind and took a part of me with you. You left as the person I thought could fill that mold. You left as the guy that I would settle for. The guy that I thought was different from the others. You left. And now you are back. Back in my city. Your city. And it's raining because it's always raining when things happen. It's like the city is crying for me because I can't myself. Because deep down I don't know how I should feel. Maybe I put a little too much of myself on you. Maybe I had too much expectations or cared too much. Or maybe you realized what I'm realzing. That I just don't really have too much to offer. Or maybe it's just really over and I'm coming to terms with that.
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