Hotbox

I'm starting to realize how completely messed up the whole concept of this program is. It starts by tearing you away from your comfort zone. The people who knew you, whatever description of you that you want to be know, that you play off. Or it detaches you from the reality you know and offers you a place to take it all out. This isn't a program of a go our and volunteer in the community. It's everyone's "Out" as some might say. The excuse placed down to cover up the secret missions of the program. It's someone's rehab. It's a motivation and confidence boaster. It's someone's only hope to make it in the world. But it's sugarcoated so beautifully that until you get under the surface and imprisoned in the center of it all that you then do realize it. You are surrounded by these complete strangers. These blank canvass, ready to be come who they want to be. Showcase the person they have felt inside the whole time but couldn't let be known. They create a completely new meaning of family and the bounds of it. Because these blank canvas are going to become your family. You are tossed down in, at times, feels like a whole different country. A place taking up such a role that you forget to sit down and realize the extremes of it. How you can be living a whole different life. In a room you are quick to realise how out of place you really are. Stuck in a place with different customs, with sayings and mannerisms that will never make sense. They will never feel like the norm, not ever been painted in our brains. Could someone on the outside ever really make there home here without leaving behind everything you thought you knew? There are eyes on you everywhere you go. Like a life-size Where's Waldo game, but instead of Waldo it's like they are searching for the English person in the room. It's not hard, if anyone is staring, whispering in any manner then follow their gaze and sure enough we will all be at the end of it. It takes you back to a time in life where there was no independence. If you wanted something then it had to be asked for by someone else. Words needing to be translated and explained in the pettiest fashion in order to be understood. Dropping letters and blurring together of words. Mono-tone. Misunderstood. And then there are the moments. Moments where you forget where you are, forget you're the elephant in the room. You forget and you live. Live together as broken members of a mismatched family. But it's not long-lived because they rip you apart. Take away your care towards it all. You create these bonds so complicated and intricate that you could never understand it. Unless you are within these walls you could never grasp even the most minute portion of it. These bonds so bizarre on their own because they feel so normal despite being not. So normal that you forget the time having been past and just feel it. Time speeds up. Time crawls by. Days are undefined within the limits of time. Already blocked out in the mind what section of day goes where. A day in the life is like four or more. Placed separately together to form a series of events. The passing by of time where forgot to be put together. You bond. Bond with no limits as to what should be shared. Who should be who. The role naturally takes place. The love you feel, the incomplete feeling when not fully around. Thinking of leaving drives me insane. Spinning around and round. To miss them all or to miss one? They create this family just to shatter it at the end. Willing so easily to retract there statements and erase all the potential progress to be done. Time stands still as the hope drops and the knot untangles. It throws you back into a place that longer fits. With people that once were known but lovers turn to strangers and strangers each way. You are no longer you. The person you were. With no guidance for what to do. Or a hand directed towards the beating heart. The stepping stones are slick. We need to stand up for each other. We need to build our own links in each other's spines. Building up that backbone with our hearts and helping hands. So hard to keep your head up and see through the clouds. See through the tearing apart of the paper bonds. I feel like life was correct to bring me to this place. This situation. Because I was meant to meet these people and become part of their lives. It wouldn't feel this natural and comfortable if it didn't. It can't question my feelings because it's the only thing I know as fact. So you won't understand the connection. You won't understand how close people can become within a month and a half with each other. A month with each other. Even a week with each other. You can try to understand but don't regress. You just won't. Can't. Could never. You can't rebuild this dynamic. The laughter or the heartache. So where do we go? What do we do?